My Heart

My original plans for NY eve were changed, and so I decided to spend some time looking through a journal I have kept this year of some of my favorite books and the things that I have learned from them. I used a highlighter on key words in the quotes to easier locate favorites in the future. I was actually looking for a quote that most represented 2008 for me...I think this may be it:

"A heart made crooked through loss and change is a heart that can love the world and its less than perfect people." Elizabeth Lesser

I looked back on what I wrote last New Year's Eve, just to see where I had come from. I share a portion:


2008 is descending gently upon us. I feel her hovering sweetly on the outskirts, patiently waiting her turn. As nature is....magical, rhythmic, patient, gentle...transformative, changing always and not fighting or resisting the cyclical births and deaths it brings.

I feel her magic. I feel the changes (or should I say the evolution) coming within me, ready to emerge. I have surely been in labor the last few months and at times the contractions have been so acutely painful I have shrunk back from this new life trying to be born. I'll still be 'me', but more fully alive....more in the moment. More gentle with myself. More in integrity with my truth. More still and quiet yet allowing the dancing and movement stirring inside me to have it's way...and I will let it.

2007 was a fire year...and in the end, it will burn up all that isn't necessary and for the best in our lives, but what an ashen, charred landscape it sometimes leaves in it's path.

Just as in nature; if a baby stays inside it's mother too long, not only will it die, but it eventually kills the mother. This child inside me is ready to come out and play and I can't hold her back any longer....the consequences are now too great and my body is showing signs of a prolonged gestation. It's now more painful to hold it in than to let it emerge. No more resistance; just surrender and with that surrender has come joy and peace. The fear is gone....

So often in life, endings can bring melancholy and sadness. Our minds think that all "good" things must/should last "forever", or at least until we don't hold value in them anymore and then carelessly toss them "away". But remember...there really is no 'away'. Our culture views specific endings as failures. For example, an illness, a lay off, a divorce...a physical death. We fear them, we fight them, we hold them at bay and often judge ourselves and others as we watch ending happening. It reminds us that really, we have no ultimate control, and that makes us uncomfortable....to say the least, excurutiating at best.

If I have learned one thing in the last 15 years, it is that change is never REALLY bad; even though it is painful and dark and scarey at the beginning and in the middle. Each change has brought me, in the end, more of all the things that make life rich and delicious. I (l)earned this year, a joyful relationship with death. I have no fear of death, and we (me and death) have this sort of unspoken secret that we can laugh about together, cause now I get "the joke". I understand that won't make sense to many, but oh, well. If it makes sense to you...congratulations.

Both birth and death are painful...and unavoidable.

Ask a woman who has gone through childbirth. It's an intense mix of physical and emotional sensations. It's all of it, wrapped up in one package and once it starts you're along for the ride....But, also ask that woman if all the pain of childbirth was worth it and she will wisely smile, even if she can't put it in words, because words fail in comparison to what she gained from it, and continues to gain from that one experience that keeps on giving.

So as 2007 comes to a close I will thank him. For it All. The pain, the joy, the synchronicities, the downright miracles, the teachings, the ending of this section of time, but never will I forget what amazing, often buried, treasures were brought in each day. I learned to ride the waves of uncertainty with new curiosity. I learned to endure the absence of much loved children, whether that absence was physical or emotional, and rejoice more fully in their return or anticipate a future return; and trust in the necessity of both. I learned how to let emotion flow through me; I learned that I can survive without food, or artificial light much longer than I thought possible; that nature trully supports ALL of life and ALL of my needs, whether I recognize her as the giver or not, that all quests are easier and more powerful when supported by community. I learned how to take care of myself to a new level and to surrender to the wisdom of my body and heart; to let go of the expectations put on me by anyone or anything, including myself. I learned how to "Do Nothing" in total stillness and peace and embrace all the gifts of fallow time...to name just a few.

So I vow to myself to show up fully in this magical Nature ride of 2008. Bring it on!

I embrace it and ALL it will bring as it emerges, in the cold and darkness of night, so will I more fully be born unto myself. I will gently cradle and wrap us up, vowing to raise it up as itself; not trying to fix it or mold it into what my mind tells me it should look like, act like or feel like......as it should be in all of my life.

Now. Today, the end of 2008, I can say that I did show up fully. I learned to really be present. I allowed myself permission to access and grieve many old events that I somehow had never found the space and time to feel and process. It was amazing that my body could so access those times and places and fully embrace the difficulties and disappointments. The gift of the trek being a newfound lightness and increased capacity to love and have compassion, hense my chosen quote.

2007 was a year of gestation, 2008 was a birthing and nurturing year. I spent more time alone last year than in my entire life combined, and in that time was able to rest and play and learn to love myself and accept myself, warts and all. The 'new' me faced some monsters in the closet, but with my new strength I was able to act in faith. I let go of a lot, the largest being my involvement in trying to save my equity and sanity at the same time in my condemned townhome. In the end, I chose sanity. I was able to have complete peace (after a few days of absolute terror) in letting the bank and my lawyer know I was done. I truly believe that I will be fine without that money. THe mantra that emerged for me was, "I will no longer spend my time, energy, money or resources on things, people or ideas that do not hold inherent value to me." It was one of the most freeing experiences of my life to let go of something that at one time meant so much to me, and put myself completely in God's hands to show me the way forward. I get the impression the lessons here are all designed around teaching me to distinguish priorities and values and see more clearly how unattached my heart and soul really are to material things.

I had been shown almost 2 years ago, in a journey, a far off island and told "That is where you are going." I inquired as to how I would get there and the message was an obvious, but enigmatic, "Well, the first thing you need to know is that you'll never get there unless you leave here." That was disconcerting considering that I was happy 'where I was'. So, I'd largely ignored the message and went on. It was not until this fall that finally had the guts to volunteer to 'go there', ho matter what it took. The first piece to fall into place was a move to a more suitable housing situation. Then an awareness to move forward with some areas of service that had been patiently waiting my attention. The last big letting go has been necessitated by trying to fit the contents of a 4 bedroom house, a cabin and an office into a 2 bedroom townhome. I have a garage full of things that still need to be tossed, but we will make it by Spring. It was fun to give so much of it away rather than sell it. It blessed our lives and I got all my value from all of it, so it was time to let it go.

So, 2009 I think will be a year of stepping forward. Being of service as a CASA, exploring adoption, becoming a grandma, the return of my only son for a few months before he leaves for school, and a training that in the end will solidify my service path in the world and produce some sort of ministerial license to boot. Life is blessed for sure.

Living With Paradox

The longer I live, and the more I explore my inner world and the outer world that it creates for me, the more clear it becomes that it is in finding and sitting with the paradoxes in life, that I grow. It is uncomfortable, for sure, but I find that as I become aware of where they exist and what the dilemmas that surround them are, the more congruent my inner and outer life can become.

Perfect example...today. I get home from yoga (a humbling and uncomfortable experience after several weeks away)and am clearly aware of a low hovering mist of darkness around me. It could be any combination of premenstrual hormones, the New Moon, or simply post holiday fatigue and overwhelm. The why doesn't really matter...it's here and this is where I find myself today.

During yoga, the consequences of weeks of holiday fare are impossible to ignore as they hang around my mid-section, making twists uncomfortable. I am, at that moment, actually beginning to crave what became a breakfast staple all summer and fall...my green smoothie. I vow to go home and treat myself to one and 'get back on track'. Instead I walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. Stare at the spinach and instead, reach for the cheddar cheese and sausage. What the....?

My house is demanding more of me than I want or have to give. I feel angry when I look at it. With kids home full time for a couple of weeks, and dogs inside more than out due to weather, created a never ending flow of vacuuming and dishes. I have managed to mostly keep up, but for some reason, in the last couple of days I cannot seem to get on top of the piles. I woke up yesterday and could no longer stand the clutter of my Christmas decorations, so I set out to get them all 'down'. However, now they sit in a huge pile on my dining room table as I have been too lazy, or something, to go out to the garage for the boxes to finish packing them up so they are out of my way. The sight of this mess feels overwhelming as well.

Anna, our personal version of a "Marley Dog", has once again found something to chew up all over the living room floor, so that needs to be vacuumed up, OR...deal with the frustration of staring at it.

The yard is full of at least 2 weeks of dog shit (please forgive my language, but at this point, saying poop is just a little to bland) that snow prevented the usual daily pick up. That I can sort of ignore because it's outside, except when I go into the kitchen and spy all the piles staring back at me through the windows, and the last thing I want is the dogs tracking it back in.

There is a dishwasher to unload and reload. A product of a late night macaroni and cheese binge from Amber.

There is laundry to be done before the work week starts in the morning.

All of this in my face work is frankly pissing me off because what I really crave is a toss up between a nap and/or a book in front of a warm fire. Yet...there is this aspect of me that has forced myself to sit down in this uncomfortable chair and honor my need to write. At the moment that is winning, probably in the hopes that it will bring some form of clarity, and fear that if I don't put this all down, the experience will be lost forever.

In addition, there is the pull of the year end bonus check pinned to the refrigerator, which would make it possible to buy this lap top computer at Costco that caught my eye. I keep telling myself I don't really need it and reminding myself of all the other times I thought I did need something, only months later to realize it wasn't true. But this morning, here the check sits and Costco is calling my name. I rationalize it by telling myself it is the perfect solution to my current excuse for not writing more...which is that I write best laying on my back on my bed with a lap top propped against my stomach and knees or sitting in a big comfy chair with my legs crossed, and I remind myself of the fact that it would solve that problem...and I know it would be very enjoyable to be able to write like that again. Currently, I am stuck on a hard dining room chair...it does interfere. My safe and sane persona cautions me to put the money in the bank...after all, I have a formidable drop in income next week. There is also the fun me, telling me to relax and reward myself and reminds me of how hard I've worked this year and how much I deserve it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly clear that I have it no worse than anyone else. My intention is not to garner sympathy, but to voice, to myself as much as anyone, the many choices and the current lack of clear direction. I either betray my true desires for rest and/or pleasure and force myself to once again put equally valuable things off in the interest of responsibility and getting rid of the stress of looking at the mess.

For more years than I wish to count, the need to keep up a persona of 'having it all together' reigned supreme. The last couple of years, out of pure exhaustion, rest and play was most important...and the wrath and judgment of others was painful. I realized a few months ago that perhaps some balance could be achieved...today I am struggling with that balance...

I suppose the question that may begin to bring some clarity may be, "What will cause the greatest relief at this moment?"

So, what will I do? The responsible grown-up vs. the rebellious child vs. the wounded warrior......tune in next time.

The Work

Even Accidents Aren't Accidental

I got to have lunch today with my friend Shelley who I haven't seen for a very long time. As I dressed this morning I was remembering the circumstances that lead to our meeting. I was training to do the Honolulu Marathon in 2004 and at the peak of the training regimen was rear ended in my car and even though the injury to my low back was not major, it was enough that I could not continue to run the miles necessary without aggravating the injury, so I dropped out, very disappointed and confused as to why this had happened, interfering with my goal.

I was training through TNT to raise money for cancer research, so in their program I was able to delay my participation to a future event. I picked Alaska June 2005 and let my body heal..

When we started training the next February I met many amazing women, some of which I'm still in contact with, one being Shelley. We shared a love of learning, spiritual exploration, and even Golden Retrievers. We didn't get to train together much because she was doing the half and I was the whole, but we did warm up together a couple of times. It wasn't until the plane trip up to Anchorage that we really formed the deep bond of friendship. I think we talked the entire trip up without taking a breath, and an ongoing friendship resulted. I grew to respect and love her more and more as time went on....

So, as I was dressing this morning, I had to pause and be thankful. For, if I was not in that car accident, we would never have met. And...it gave me pause to consider all the other incidents, big and small, that have initially seemed like an imposition, and surely were not part of MY plan, but that brought the next perfect thing into my life.

For me, the lesson was, and is, to embrace ALL that happens and trust in the bigger picture...let go of my attachment to the way things look and pause in curiosity and wonder, rather than frustration whenever there is a detour.....it could be God's next blessing....trying to happen. And...if I just relax and listen and follow flow instead of fighting it...then I'll be quiet enough and have my heart and eyes open to see the gift, and surely Shelley is a gift. Love ya darlin'.

Neshume-le

Neshume-le: Hebrew for "Beloved Little Soul"

Who is this soul? This blessed little soul, in embryo, coming to our family? I anxiously await the unfolding of their story. What will their physical attributes be? Who's personality will they mirror? What lessons do they have to teach us? What lessons have they come here to learn? What Karma have they carried in, ready to work out in all that life offers?

Surely, they are already deeply loved...a still, calm lake of love abides in their soon to be home; parents who love each other and respect each other and are kind to each other.

I already love him/her. I find myself looking forward to just sitting and holding while Courtney takes a much needed nap or a shower.

This year will be full of precious gifts. Justin returning, a grandchild arriving, to name only two.

I will share, at this time of gifting, another piece I wrote, also to my children as stood wrapping what seemed like empty presents one Christmas Eve. There were so many things, REALLY important things I wanted them to have and to know.


If I Could Give You Anything

If I could give you anything it would be...
An assurance of how perfect you are RIGHT NOW
That everything you were meant to have, and be, and do is within you now
You don't have to go searching outside yourself
Or look to others to show you or tell you how.
You have come with all you need to have joy, and purpose, and success.
And my love for you is unchanging and ever-present.

I would give you a vision of who you really are
And why God sent you here
To this time and place
To this family and these friends
To the stuggles you came to face and embrace
As well as the gifts that make you so wonderful...so unique...so you...so loved

I would give you a reason to get out of bed every morning in joy.
And the ability to lay down at night recalling the miracles that crossed your path.
That you may be able to close your eyes in gratitude, and sleep in peace
With an absolute knowledge of the hand of Spirit in your life.

I would give you the gift of curiosity
And a desire to seek knowledge and find truth
So that when you find it you may be full.
And trust in yourself, your intelligence and your intuition
Refusing to change your path or defer your truth to the thoughts and opionions of others.

I would give you depth of spirit.
To look within to discover that place and space that exists inside you always
Where God and you unite
Where perfect peace, and perfect knowledge and perfect truth are one.
Then when all else feels lost...for it will
You can return there and find the peace, love and rest that can be found nowhere else.

I would give you the Humility to reach out for help when you need it.
The blessing of good friends to reach to;
Who remind you of the truth about yourself when you forget.
To escort you back home when you wander away from yourself....and us
Your good and true home.

I would give you the dignity to know that your life is a journey.
And the choices you make are but experiments in truth.
So that when you wish you would have chosen differently,
You can stand in pride and call it learning...not a mistake.
Then act from that wisdom when life asks you to choose again..for it will.

I would give you a mirror
In which you see only your beauty and splendor, both inside and out.
That through your reflection, others see only the best in themselves.

I would give you a candle to light your way
And a pocket full of faith to take one step at a time when it is too dark to see any further.

I would give you courage,
So you can cross each bridge before you
And trust that something better is waiting on the other side
Knowing that smooth and familiar are not what bring growth.
So even if you have to close your eyes, or be pulled kicking and screaming
That in the end you will do it....Just JUMP!

I would give you a surety that God is always there for you.
That there is nothing you could ever do, or think, or be that changes your value.
So that when circumstances feel hopeless,
When those who are supposed to love and support you fall short...for they will
You will know that one thing never changes
God is always there....and so am I

Even when you can't see us with your human eyes,
Or hear our voice in your ear
Stop
Be silent
Be still
And you will feel
Our arms around you
Our LOVE surround you

Your Mother on earth
And your Father in Heaven
God will give you all that you ever need
And YOU are his precious gift to ME!


Valerie 2003

Due to my lack of techno mojo I have been unable to figure out how to post the image of Courtney's first ultrasound...however, in the spirit of tenacity, I will post the link and you can try to pull up the image.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=60100222#/photo.php?pid=30437794&id=60100222&ref=nf

A Holy Silence

While most of the country runs around shopping and spending and thinking of gifts, and some also acknowledge this at the time to honor the birth of Christ, I find my soul celebrating most what will transpire on Sunday morning as my Holy Day (Holiday). Christmas is another incarnation of Solstice. The Birth of Christ, the Son of God, we celebrate at this time of year, even though this is not the time on the calendar that it most likely actually occurred. We celebrate it very close to the Solstice, the re-birth of the Sun. Both, the Son and the Sun, Born and reborn again. In our hearts and minds. In the physical and in the spiritual. In form and in formlessness.

When I did my Vision Quest over a year ago, I knew I would be stepping forward in making a difference in the world. I'd been given a general idea of what that would look like, and since returning, it seemed that not much showed up around that being an actual opportunity. At times I wondered if I was skirting it. In the meantime, I have witnessed and gone through a continual shifting of pieces of my life. My work, my home, my heart, my mind all transforming in many big and small ways, all for the good.

As we approach this Solstice, I have a growing feeling that 'it is time'. Time to step forward. Time to let go of fear. Time to stop playing small. Time to let go of the excuses, supposedly valid, or not.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm sort of leaping on faith and that it wasn't scary. I don't have all the answers yet. I'm full of questions...the biggest ones being 'how will I make ends meet' and 'where will I find the time and energy'? I think of the teaching that my job is not to worry about the HOW, my job is just to know that WHAT and step forward in faith and ask. I think of the scripture, "I stand at the door and knock". That knock has been getting louder and I can't ignore it any more.

I take responsibility for the ways I've been distracting myself for months now...cruising the web, reading and many more. I guess I thought maybe if I ignored the impulse long enough it would simply go away? No matter. Now I know and I accept.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally had the courage to face it and say "Yes". So I started with a Journey, asking for a teaching, for one small thing I could do to step forward. What I was shown was far from small. It was definitely intimidating and since then I've done a little hiding again. But as I prepare for the Solstice, for the return of the Sun, the return of the light I can no longer hide my own under a bushel and I acknowledge that I know enough to take some small steps in the direction. So, this morning I lit a candle, said a prayer and reaffirmed my "YES".

There will be many Journey's to guide me through and I know now that each the time between my Quest and today was vital. It was preparatory, it was a time of healing and growth so that I would have the courage and strength to offer my time and energy in service to others.

I feel a time of prayer and silence descending. A Holy Silence. Laura goes to her dad's tomorrow for a week and I sense that this will be the beginning of a new beginning. And reverence is where I start. Prayer is where I start. Silence and Faith will be my traveling companions.

As light reenters our earth and therefore our lives on Sunday, I offer this new year, 2009 as a year of service. A year to give back and make a difference in whatever way I am lead.

I offer myself as a servant. I let go of anything that will get in my way. I embrace the people and things that will support me. I ask for the discernment to know the difference. Blessed Be!

ME

I love this song.....It is the truth of me...and a fitting reminder of the truth

I'll post the lyrics as well so you can take it all in.




Lyrics to Me :
I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

CHORUS:

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

Chorus

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
That I love (6 times)

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, I know, yes I know

That I love (5 times overlapping chorus)

But it's me
And it's me
But it's me (4 times)
[ Me Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Love Song By Rilke

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn't touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

So Long Samsara

The Buddhists use the term Samsara to refer to the world of illusion. I usually experience illusion as my mind, or my ego trying to run a racket on my soul and/or body.

For some unknown reason, I have always wanted to participate in a Native American Sweat Lodge. For some reason, it has taken years to actually happen. I was surprised that I wanted to do it because it combined several of my insecurities in one. Dark, Hot, Small spaces. When I was invited to one on November 29th, it worked out. I didn't like the idea that it wasn't to start until after dark, but I figured I'd go for it anyway. I had to go by myself and the location was pretty remote. I mapquested the address, but as sometimes happens, it lead me to a dead end. At this point, I began to question if it was meant to be. It would have been easy to just turn and head for home, but before doing so, I said a silent prayer and asked that if it was important that I be there, that I be lead to the property. Strangely enough, I just followed my 'instinct' and within 15 minutes I was lead straight to the property. I took it as a sign that there was something there for me to experience.

I was familiar with Prayer Ties from my Vision Quest Experience, but they were made for me. This night I was given instruction in making my own, which was fun. It is typical to enter the Sweat with a prayer or intention.

I asked for the purification of my heart around the masculine. I was in the early stages of exploring a couple of relationship options, and could feel my ego fighting hard to prevent me from experiencing these possibilities with an open heart and pure intentions. One of my ties was for my friend Jade. Things with Jade were actually perfect at the time, but I wanted them to stay that way, with neither of us striving for something more, or pulling away in fear...just as we were about to enter the lodge (you crawl in through a low door on your hands and knees) his prayer tie fell and I could not find it in the dark. For a second, I looked, even experiencing a moment of apprehension around it's loss. Just before I was about to search in earnest I heard the words, "This love has already been through the fire. It exists currently in it's purest state". I had to admit it was true and I entered in peace.

Stones are used to heat the small space. They are carefully chosen, and are asked if they want to participate. They are lovingly referred to as "Stone Poeople" or "The Grandfathers" because of their age, and it is believed that they have witnessed much and that they hold the stories of the earth and the people. I have had great experiences working with stones.

The stones are brought in one at a time to the lodge on a pitchfork and greeted with with the NA words meaning, "All my relations".

After the stones are all in (quite a process) the door is closed (it's more like a blanket that covers the door), water is poured over the stones and it gets very hot very fast.

The ceremony is done in 'rounds', with each being dedicated to either singing or prayer. Between rounds, the door is lifted and water passed. After the first round, I wasn't sure I would make it through, but by the end, I felt actually amazing. I only survived though by laying down on my back and burrowing as much of my skin into the wet, cold dirt as possible. But in that position I could sweat and not really suffer. It was as if I could feel the changes happening in my spirit, the purification happening.


I got quite sick a few hours after the ceremony. Probably a combination of detox and dehydration.....but it was worth it. I have been able to see the truth in all situations and act from a place of truth and purity in my best interest without conflict between my heart and mind.

No more illusion..........

Soulful Friendships

I woke up this morning with two things really present, and I will be honest in admitting that sitting her, now, is the manifestation of avoidance of the second, which is the unabashed dread of spending the day mucking through the rest of my belongings in the garage in an attempt to make space to park in it again....Goodwill will be forever grateful, and profit, from my downsizing. So, I lull myself into an agreement to get out there AFTER a hot cup of tea and some time spent with words.

So, more to the enjoyable point......I am SO THANKFUL to be blessed with such intimate friendships. Such amazing souls in my life who truly care for and about me. Who know how to truly show up with an open heart and mind and listen and witness and support, and counsel....you know who you are! Namaste!

I've been working inwardly and outwardly with what I have coined a "21st Century Relationship", which is what I see as my current ideal. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am still the little princess wanting the knight in shining armor to show up and take me to his castle, but in reality, my soul finds that ultimately boring and I recongnize that I have no desire, or even ability to be someone's possession or property in the least. Nor do I care to possess or feel control of another's heart, mind, soul or body.

I like the way that Thomas Moore speaks of relationship when he says,

"Our problem in relationships is how to have an ongoing, intimate life with another person at the same time as we invite this completely unpredictable depth to have a significant place in our lives. It isn't easy to live with the power and mystery of another's soulful personality. For one thing, you can't depend on what the person promises, since the soul isn't willing to be chained to intentions or even to commitments. If the individual doesn't understand everything going on in the soul, how can one who is close, who is seriously wrapped up in the other, have even the remotest understanding?

The only solution is for both parties to respect soul, to acknowledge the mystery , that is inescapably contained in the soulful life, and to treasure that very unpredictability. This may entail a radical shift in values. Ordinarily we honor commitments, promises, fidelities, and reliable habits. If on the other hand, we had a larger picture in mind and honored the tendency of the soul to move in mysterious ways, we might see that the unpredicted developments that come from the soul can have a positive effect on relationship. They demand a great deal of adjustment and allowance, but they also offer continuous deepening of the connection and a grounding of the attachment in soul rather than in any one person's will. Besides, individual willfullness is usually laced with fear and manipulation, and is hardly solid ground for the building of intimacy."

This is my definition of an ideal relatinship.......

Now I'm off to brush my teeth and sort mostly useless possessions.


Ok...one more quote for the day before I deal with it..

"A soulful relationship is not a simple gift; it asks for concentrated cultivation. Anyone can find vernacular sources of soul in the familiar world around them, but there is a spirit in our time that goes against the vernacular. It prefers the abstract, the general, and the numerically insignificant. This abstracting spirit trickles down to our relationships and shrinks the space necessary for the soul. It is a philosophy that finds comfort in knowing what the majority feels and thinks. It's also a moralism that tells us, based on majority opinion, how to be in relationship. But to live a vernactular life and find vernacular intimacy, one has to go against the tide and cherish the things that call out to us in particular, whether or not they are valued by the culture around us." Thomas Moore

Thanks, Ray

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

From "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne

Return Again

"Home is not only a place you remember, but a place that remembers you, even if you have never been there before, the place that holds some essesntial piece of you in trust, waiting for you to return." Oriah

Return Again
Return Again
Return to the Land of my Soul

Return to who I am
Return to what I am
Return to where I am
Born and Reborn Again

These are the words to a Hebrew song we sang many times in Circle on my Ireland Trip as we visited the sacred sites

Commentary:
The Shaman in me feels a deep connection to certain lands. My first deep connection, even before I realized it, was with the forests, trees and rivers of Mt. Hood. It has been over a year since I sold my cabin, and even longer since I have spent any time on the land just listening and being filled.

For an unknown reason, I feel a deep pull to return there this week. At first I didn't know why, but as I unpacked boxes, I came across our sweet dog Nelly's ashes. She had expressed a desire to be placed there after her death, but we have not been willing or ready to part with them.....until now. And it is really time now. Don't know why, but I'm trusting it. I have assured Laura we will save some of them for our home, but the rest will go to the base of the tree right outside our cabin, with more on the riverbank which we spent many hours exploring and swimming and more up on the Badger Creek Wilderness Trail where we often hiked.

The other land that called me for years was Ireland. She finally claimed me for good last April. I felt so close and connected to certain places, especially La Crough and the Cliffs of Mohr. I cannot begin to understand on a logical level what happened to me at the Cliffs. As soon as my eyes got even the slightest glimpse, tears began pouring from my eyes. I wasn't crying really, but I could not stop the tears for almost 2 hours. Of course it is a breath-taking place of natural beauty, but that wasn't it. But...I don't know what it was. I wanted to just sit there on the ground and let them come, but unfortunately we didn't have time. It was one of our quickest stops. Our tour guide Kathleen Verigan reported the exact same experience to me when she first saw them. Someday I will go back and do the sit and the cry and walk the entire length.



This woman was there that day playing the harp, which really got the tears going. I'm going back!

Have Patience

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like the locked rooms and like the books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot be given to your because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At the present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." Rainer Maria Rilke

Commentary:
I have such an active, powerful, logical mind which has been both my salvation and my undoing. The longer I live the more I realize that it is my heart and my intuition that lead to the ultimate truth. My mind picks apart and analyzes. Plans and draws lines.

My path this summer was to "Be Love", and now to "Live no more than one month at a time in my mind". And act on the new belief that that I could have both my sovereignty AND a relationship......So all that is up for me now..learning to walk my talk...learning not to think too much, learning more about myself through love. It's a challenge. It's a blessing.

This Place of Feeling

"This place of feeling sqeezed is a very important part in our lives where we can really learn something. The point where we are not able to take it or leave it, where we are caught between a rock or a hard place, caught with both the upliftedness of our ideas and the rawness of what is happening in front of our eyes-that is indeed a very fruitful place.

When we feel squeezed there's a tendency for the mind to become small. We feel like a victim, like a pathetic, hopeless case. At that moment of hassle or bewilderment or embarrassment, our minds become bigger.

Instead of taking what's actually occurred as a statement of personal weakness or someone else's power, instead of feeling stupid we could be there, feeling off guard, not knowing what to do, just hanging out there with the raw and tender energy of the moment. This is the place where we begin to learn.

We're so used to running from discomfort, and we're so predictable. If we don't like it, we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when we actually have no ground to stand on at all.

The next time there is no ground to stand on, don't consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck. We have no ground to stand on, and at the same time it could soften us and inspire us. Finally, after all these years, we could finally grow up."

Pema Chondron

Commentary:
And so it is. I sit with all my thoughts. All my feelings. All my dreams. All my fears. All my needs. All my desires. All the bottomless ground and the empty, infinite space. All my blessings. All my gifts. All my struggles. Filled with Gratitude, knowing that right where I am today is right where I belong and what has occurred today is the perfect teaching at the perfect time. And for the first time in my life I consciously choose not to put something in my mouth, not to call someone to talk just to make noise and disperse the energy. Not to turn to the television or a book. But just sit and feel and Be with myself, for myself. Present. Not running away from or toward. Not grasping, but releasing. My will to the Great Mystery and the perfect order than I have learned always exists.

Happy Birthday Ritz!

The "First Wives Club" was reunited tonight to celebrate a Birthday, as well as to meet her new Partner. It was a wonderful time, as usual with TONS Of laughter and love.

In honor of her new Relationship and the beginning of something beautiful and well-deserved in the life of an amazing friend I post the poem

"The True Love" by David Whyte

"There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours
especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never
believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held
out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man
who would walk every morning on the gray stones
to the shore of baying seals, who would press his
hat to his chest in the blustering sald wind and say his
prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people
waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure,
far across the water calling to them.
And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking
and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes!
Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically,
but more subtly, and intimately in the face
of the one you know you have to love.
So that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them we find, everything holds us,
and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could,
But you don't, because finally, after all
this struggle and all these years,
you don't want to anymore.
You've simply had enough of drowning
and you want to live, and you want to love.
And you'll walk across any territory,
and any darkness, however fluid,
and however dangerous to take the one
hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours."

Love Anything.....

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. TO love is to be vulnerable." CS Lewis

No comment necessary.

The Question

I honestly had every intention of being fast asleep by now. Finishing up my move has almost done me in. If it were not for the help of angelic others, who have most likely worn themselves out as well, I wouldn't be as far done as I am. BUt I'm probably 97% done...but am left with some leg/knee pain so I can't sleep until the pain med kicks in.

I have been re-reading some of my favorite books the last couple of months. Tonight I found myself cracking open Oriah's "The Call". In it, she asks a question that when I first read it about 3 years ago, it totally opened my mind to a new possibility in how to live my life and it became a path I chose.

She states,
"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"

And so it was. I began to live and make choices out of a different place...no more trying to change myself. Attempting to choose from who I really was instead of who I thought I wanted to be or should be or could be.

It's beautiful.......

My Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Be Here Now....

I think this will be my new morning song as I start my day....

Enjoy!

Grace.......Welcome Home

"I do not understand the mystery of grace- only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us." Ann Lamott

If the last few years have taught me anything, it is that the only real home exists in your heart, not to be found a building, a person, a relationship, a possession, or a job. These things are aspects of a life that swell the joy that abides within in our own heart, allowing that joy ot blossom and grow to greater capacities.

I have been on a sweet, crazy, some would say intense spiritual journey the last 6 years. Sometimes I question "why me?". Why does this call to explore happen to some and not others? I was very happy in my life as it existed when I heard the call and followed. Little did I know that once I started out, that reality I had built my life on would disappear and leave me with nothing to do but turn around and keep going.

After my Vision Quest experience I felt the need to rest and recuperate. I spent more time in silence and alone in the last year than in my entire life combined. It was new and strange for me to not crave the company and companionship of friends and community, but for some reason, for the first time in my life I just let myself trust in what was there and not judge it or deny it even though it made no logical sense.

What has happened in the end is that I feel a sense of arrival. No where to go, no desire to learn more or be more or do any more. It's a wonderful place to be. It's quiet and still and like living in a cozy room with a big comfy chair and a quilt just waiting for me whenever I want to cuddle up and find my center.

This quote from TS Elliot is fitting:

"We shall not cease from exploring
And at the end of all our exploring
We will arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

I'm settling into a new place that as I nest here I find it's small size and quaint spirit cozy and inviting, whispering to me "Welcome home, my dear.....Welcome home."

A film worth your time...at this time in history

I received the link to this film from a friend last week and took the time to watch it between trick or treaters on Friday night. I have always been generally trusting of our leaders, but have to admit that over time this has faded considerably after reading the book "Confessions of an Economic Hitman". It is a good education to help us understand why other countries 'hate america'. I'm including a link to watch a copy of the film, as well as a U Tube clip about the book I speak of.



End of America Film

There will be more.....

My life started over 14 yrs. sgo. Little did I know the journey that lay ahead. I have never been good at not knowing. Or so I thought. I remember a few months after completing cancer treatment, experiencing what was later diagnosed as PTSD, mostly paralyzing anxiety, waiting and wondering if it was coming back.

I went to the temple one day and stubbornly sat myself in the celetial room and asked what to date was both a brave and cowardly question. Brave in that I was willing to hear 'bad' news; cowardly in that I had yet to experience being ok with not knowing.....I think I'm still better at the former, but have also tasted the grace and openness of a life lived in the wonder and mystery. The truth is, even when we think we know the outcome, we are ultimately kidding ourselves and playing in the realm of ego rather than Spirit. Boxes rather than spaciousness.

"Will this take me life? Will I get sick again and die?", I asked God as I stared at a picture of Jesus. "It's ok to tell me. I'm prepared to know, either way. And...I'm not leaving until I get an answer."

I sat there like a stubborn teenager, staring at the picture, daring God to answer my question. And the truth is, I was ready to hear that I would die. I'd already made peace with my mortality and accepted the idea that if I was not to raise my children, there must be a bigger plan; a plan bigger than I could understand, but still could accept. It seemed better at the time to know than to try to go on with life and have it throw another curve ball at my dreams. I remember getting the feeling God was just smiling and shaking 'his' head at me....silly, sweet, stubborn child, planting my feet on that hollowed ground and stating an ultimatum, as if I had the actual power to force God's hand. Thankfully, my petition, or demonstration, was met with an answer, albeit an ironic, sarcastic, parable-like answer, befitting a Being of much higher intelligence and wisdom than myself.

I don't know how long it took. I'm guessing only 15 minutes. A compassionately quick response to someone like myself, who was literally prepared to be escorted out when they closed late that night. I meant it. I would not leave without an answer. I just stared at the face of Jesus and waited. I think the tears started a few seconds before I heard the words sink into my heart. And just as I heard them, tremendous peace wrapped around me like a warm blanket of love. "There will be more". At the time I remember being aware that I could have, perhaps should have been frightened by that answer, but I wasn't. In my current, somewhat morbid obsession, I took that answer in the negative sense. More to suffer, I guessed, in some way. I think I tried to get a few more details and asked, "More What?" and the answer was simply repeated and so, in my human mind I filled in the blank myself, supposing it to be more to go through, but not enough to assume necessarily cancer, although I couldn't rule it out. It was a total non-answer and complete answer all wrapped in one....the kind of answer that met my dug-in-heels resolve without telling me a damn thing.

There certainly has been 'more' in the last 14 years. I sometimes smile when I think of it. I think I made God smile that day, knowing the naivety of my question. "What if?", I think today, I had been told the road that lay ahead...the ending of my marraige, the transformation of my beliefs, the loss of my home and business, all full of deep pain and yet ultimnately deep joy. I could not have fully taken into my mind or body the thought of that.....I would have wanted to crawl in bed that night and refuse to rise again.

More......
LIfe
Joy
Growth
Grief
Loss
Depth
Passion
Vitality
Laughter
Love
Adventure

And boy.......has it been a wild, worth it ride.

And....."Thank You, God. For your patience and ultimate compassion that day when I thought I was brave enough to know."

Survival International

A part of me is just waiting to be of service outside of this part of the world, and with many amazing great causes, it's hard to choose. I've learned from experience that this process is not intellectual and that true callings come as what I call a "BONK"....it happens to you and you can't not be changed and do something.

Life has allowed me the freedom to finish up my certification as a CASA in the new year, which will be a small thing I can do locally, then last night I ran into this new CD which is a compilation with profits going to an organization call "Survival International". They raise money to support the rights and costs of allowing indigenous people the right and ability to live on their ancient, sacred land.

If you want to know more about their cause you can go to their website

If, during the holiday season, you feel you want to purchase a gift for me, please donate to Survival International in lieu of buying me something.

Here's a short look at the project from Jason Mraz and Brett Dennen's song for the project.

Are you listening?

"If you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more wonder." Andrew Harvey

I found a new artist....Brett Dennen; at least new to me. I guess he has opened for John Mayer in the past and is being called 'the next John Mayer'. I love his lyrics and message. His new song, "Make You Crazy", is CRAZY GREAT! I can't seem to find a video of it, but if your interested, go to www.playlist.com. It is my personal playlist if you want to groove to some of my favorite music and I put a few of his songs at the top of it so it's an easy way to listen..it's feel good stuff.


I actually just found a copy!
Happy Sunny Portland Friday!

Words Awakening....

As I emerged from sleep this morning, in that sort of semi-conscious, floaty place these words kept floating through my mind; like some part of me trying to write a piece of prose. I finally forced myself to open my eyes to see what would happen if I went with it. I guess it has to do with that time in my life when I set off to live in the adult world of marriage, career and family. Here it is....Version 1.0. Raw and Rough, for sure....

Sweet, Innocent One
Eyes wide, heart open
Your fragile and growing dream eggs
Gestating
All in one hopeful, well-chosen (or so you thought) basket.

In such a hurry
Born of boredom
And weary of waiting
So much, so long held back
Bursting at the seams of your someday.

What you only see now
Is how many of those dreams
Were lovingly gifted
From well-meaning others.

You filled your plate
Your cup runneth 'ore
You graciously and anxiously accepted
Grateful at last to have found your place
And busied yourself warming eggs
And feeding others hatching baby dreams
Unaware you held inside
Your own embryos of joy
Growing; patiently waiting
Wondering if you'd ever stop long enough to listen

He was raised as a sheep
At least that is what he was always told
But deep inside
The fangs and fur of a wolf were growing
They suited his spirit and fed the feeling of aliveness he craved

Told bedtime stories of lives lived in happily ever afters
Grazing on grass with the guidance and protection of an outside Shepard.
Sometimes his tongue caught the sharp edge of a canine.
Other times he struggled to push down the urge to run free
Faster than he had been told a sheep could go.

It concerned him, but he never quite dared
Untie the string he'd discovered
Holding the cloak of white, soft wool around and over him.


You were raised as a Shepard Girl.
It suited you
Spending your days tending to others
Occupying your mind with their safety and happiness.
It sort of helped, but inside a little girl wanted to abandon the bonnet
And take off running through the pasture
Not caring where it took you.

He picked you as his Shepard
Hoping you could make him happy in the rolling fields of green
When wandering and hunting were slowly boiling in his blood.

In the darkness you shared you basket of eggs
In exchange for a promise of safety and love

Both innocent actors
Playing parts
Wearing costumes
Long ago assigned
And growing tighter by the day

Both awaking confused
At yoke-covered whiskers
Your mysteriously closing heart
At the sight of missing eggs
But afraid to look for explanations
Not wanting, but wanting the play to end
After all, sheep don't eat eggs
And Shepard's don't leave their flock.


Only recently, through Spectacles of hindsight
Have you dared look back and stare at the set
That was your life
And compassionately embrace
The Broken hearts
The deep, mutual disappointments
The missing dream eggs
The dissatisfaction of subsiding on a diet of grass
And living a life in one pasture
With only one basket of dreams
The empty, but now gone basket
Meant to keep it all together.

In the end, the curtain descended
The wolf took the blame
But also deserves the credit
For in inadvertently eating your eggs
And life hiding your basket

You were left
Perfectly poised
To take center stage
In the starring role...
As Yourself

OUchhhhh

So, in my attempt to simplify my life and invest my time in people, things and ideas that support my deepest values I have managed to give up TV this week, with the exception of a few minutes of the VP debate. In truth I haven't missed it. I've had no cold turkey withdrawl sweats or shakes, so I decided to call Comcast today and downgrade to their lowest package....and what a deal at only $7.82/month!

It's funny how the psyche responds to it's comforts being taken away. I feel like a toddler in a high chair and someone took my cookie. I didn't realize that when I gave up my $55/month package (which is only one teir up from basic), I would have to give up my remote control....damn that hurts. I lost the remote to this dinasaur tv years ago, and had honestly been just waiting for the thing to die..but the thought of having NO REMOTE for my tv is painful....for some reason. In reality it makes no sense. If I'm not going to be watching, who cares? I guess I do. So, I'll dutifully return my digital box and remote today. Maybe I'll take the $50 i'll save and do something kind for myself....any ideas?

This Windy Fall Morning

I made a decision last Saturday to be finished with this almost 3 yr. rollercoaster ride and tell Wells Fargo that they could have my townhome, giving me the financial, emotional, spiritual and physical freedom to move forward, to stop living in limbo, waiting to progress until 'it' was over. Clarity came after 2 days on the property sorting and clearing the contents left behind. I've sunk further and further into peace, trusting the answer even deeper, reflecting on all the many times Spirit has guided me to do what seems illogical at least and yet ultimately terrifying and recounting to myself how not even once have I been lead wrong and always saw later the perfect wisdom in the direction I was lead. This process allowed my struggling, gasping ego to release it's grasp.

But this morning I awoke with that familiar tightness in my chest and slight swelling in my throat. "Oh, hello", I say to my old friend fear. "I thought I sent you packing." He informs me that I had, but that a new idea, proposed by a well meaning acquaintance had taken up a home in a tiny corner of my mind, inviting what my ego views as a possible last ditch effort to survive in the manner it has become so accustomed.

My ego survives primarily by telling me stories of what my life should look like and each time I buy in, it's like it gets another 'doggie treat' to survive for a few hours. It tells me I need to have a 'plan' for my life, be responsible and careful above all else and most of all own a home. Aferall, isn't that the prime symbol of responsibility, stability and successs? Hmmmm....if I have learned one big lesson in the past few years, it is that home is not ULIMATELY found in a building that a bank lets you live in while they hold all the cards. It's a fair deal, all in all, but in my case whatever could have gone wrong did as every safety net we can put in place fell out from under me. Homeowner's insurance went running for the hills with my 8 years worth of premiums. Builder's warranty spent months searching and ultimately finding a way not to pay the claim and the savings account I worked hard to build for 'rainy days' was gone so fast my head was spinning. The bank understandably heald all the cards and I allowed myself to be pulled around like a bull with a ring in my nose. The icing on the cake was that the county still wants property taxes. I hate paying the additional income taxes without the interest write off. That's one great thing about home ownership. But when fate/mother nature assert their ultimate dominance, that top of the line insurance policy I bought, as well as all the other paperwork I thought would protect 'my investment' held no water and disappeared.

So.. this morning my little troll fear wants me to make a last ditch effort to save my equity. My logical mind totally buys into the concept and yet my soul is standing there staring at me with her palms facing up wondering what's up.

With this 'new last ditch effort' it seems there might be one last shot (if WF decides to cooperate) to someday recoup some of my equity...possibly. My mind says, "What will it hurt to try? It couldn't hurt anything to propose it." There is a point there....

I feel freedom waiting at the back door, wondering if I'm going on that trip with him or not as ego keeps stopping me from walking out the door with nothing more than a backpack. It could feel amazing to just go with him and see what the adventure holds, living day to day. Ego plays the part of a well-meaning parent, ever reiminding me of my responsibilities and the importance of having 'safety nets'...

This should be an interesting drama to watch.......who will she follow? Freedom or ego? Stay tuned......

Dangerous Love...ultimate freedom

"Different degrees of domination and servitude are what you know to be love. But love is different. It arrives complete. Just there, like the moon at the window. Seek only that of which you have no clue. This is not a river or some little creek. This is the shoreless sea. Here swimming ends always in drowning." Rumi

Thank you...for the wake up call I wasn't ready to answer...until now

Thank you, for being so irreplaceably yourself, so quirky and infectious and a fresh breath of integrity so distinct it took mine away.

Thank you for scaring me so badly. Meeting you felt like someone jumping out of a closet, and catching me completely off gaurd. It made me look at my stuff deeper and with more ownership than before, and yet, it still wasn't enough...at the time.

But now is the time and I realize in hindsight that it wasn't even really you that scared me at all... I scared me. In you, I saw ME, myself staring back at me; loving like I wanted to love; feeling the way I really felt, valuing what I really valued and living the life I really wanted to live...but wasn't..for SO MANY pretty weak, but frozen in time reasons.

TRUTH: I was insanely, unabashadly jealous. Jealous to watch someone else have the courage I didn't have; the courage to stop doing what didn't serve you. To spend your time doing what was truly interesting to you. To (and this is what scared me most of all) allow yourself to live in the lostness of your own heart and mind. To wait patiently (or not) for a new direction. To live a life that others might judge. Others like me.

Thank you for wearing the same worn out jumper and shoes without a care in world. For your simple love of salmon and butter sandwiches and the sacredness of your tea ritual. Not sacred as in religious, but sacred in it's inflexibility and dedication.

What I realize now is that even though I was insanely, unabashedly jealous as you spent your days living in my cabin full time that I wanted to live in full time, sleeping in my bed without me, spending your days doing what I craved almost as much as oxygen, is that ultimately the only person stopping me was ME...and my fears. Fears of becoming indefinetely lazy, fears of not having enough money to buy stuff I really don't need, but wanted at the time. You were my dream come true and my worst nightmare in one. All I ever wanted in another and all I wanted to give myself, but wouldn't.

But...it must have helped on some level because life gave me another chance to learn the lessons and I'm relieved to say that this time I heeded the call. So, thank you, my friend, for being my inadvertant teacher; giving me a living, breathing, loving picture of what it looks like to live a life of your own choosing. I'll always love you for that, N.

So, I'm telling my story...gettting it out of my body, healing....

A Time to Bring Balance

How ironic it is, that just as the Equinox is upon us, a recognition of the balance of light and dark and moving toward an increase in darkness, a time to let go of that which no longer serves us, that life is FORCING ME, kicking and screaming inside, to deal with any and all of my external unfinished business, and in the process it's bringing up internal unfinished business. I'm being forced to look at things that I haven't wanted to look at (in an effort to avoid discomfort), but I know that the TRUTH is that these things are weighing me down and that in stepping into the darkness of them with eyes wide open, ready to do whatever is necessary to wrap them up, I will feel lighter and free.

The foreclosure should be resolved, one way or another by the end of this month, and now I have been told by the HOA that I need to get everything out of the lower level of my Townhome by the end of the month so they can start working on the foundation.

When we were told we had to evacuate almost 3 years ago, they literally gave us about 18 hours notice that the utilities were to be turned off and then we only had a few days to find other living arrangements, so sorting and cleaning up during and after the process was not possible...no water.. no vacuum, no time. I was moving into a very tiny place, so I didn't have room for anything but daily essentials, and didn't have the money to pay for or the energy left to deal with 'that other stuff', so I left it....to deal with later. Well...later has come. I left my garage almost completely intact. You know how that garage stuff is....you hardly ever need it. Well, it's been almost 3 years, and I have grabbed my Christmas decorations and a couple of other things over the years. I know all my camping equipment is still there. I haven't been camping in literally years, but I want to go again someday, so I am hesitant to let it go, but my gut is telling me to be brutal with it....just call 1-800-got-junk and let them have it all and be done. No sorting and loading and trips to the dump and goodwill and filling up the garage at my current home with more clutter. I estimate that the sorting and loading and renting of trucks and paying dumping fees would easily take 3 days and hundreds of dollars, not to mention the cost of my time and the wear & tear on still recovering knees....so the got junk man is looking like how I'll go.

I'm experiencing a strange, new phenomenon and awareness around it all. I realize how much unadulterated, absolute shame it is bringing up that I didn't even know existed that I feel about the mess that exists over there. I can hardly bear the thought of not only looking at and through the stuff myself, let alone letting anyone else see the mess I left. It's profound, it's deep, overwhelming and incapacitating and yet, it is giving me a vital teaching; showing me in stark, physical, ordinary reality, how self-conscious I am about letting anyone see the messy parts deep inside me or seeing me being emotionally messy, and the coping mechanism of not wanting to look directly at what I have yet left undone, lurking, unfinished, cramping up and weighing down my psyche and my soul in the dark, forgotten corners.

The clean out needs to be done by the end of the month so they can have access to our foundations and start the repair process. As I celebrated the arrival of Equinox yesterday, I realized that in being forced by external forces to clean up my unfinished physical mess, so that I may get a new foundation on my home, that this season will also be a time for me to clean out my own internal basement/bottom floor so that I can make way to receive a brand new, fully repaired internal foundation.

Jung compares the basement of a home/our homes, to the subconscious mind; the things we have no every day awareness of......it's incredible when I consider the timing of it all, and that what is being asked of me outside is what is left to deal with inside.

The myth and lore around the Equinox, the return of the dark, surrounds the story of Persephone, the beloved daughter of Zeus and Demeter. Autumn is the time that, as parents, they must let their daughter leave them and take her yearly descent down, into the darkness of the underworld for the next 6 months, off on her own, but knowing she will return in the Spring. The story goes that her descent brings the Winter and the return of the darkness. And in my own life, I am being asked to let go of one of my sweet daughters as I dropped her off at college today, but also knowing she will return, coincidentally about the time of the Spring Equinox.

She will do well, this I know. Although it is a sort of underworld, in terms of her first time living on her own, making all her own daily choices. She has always followed a path of her own choosing and has not been easily influenced by others, parents included, as far as her desires and opinions. She knows what she likes and believes and that is how it is for her. I say to her, "Blessed Be, my child. And so it is...Aho!

I got the eye roll this morning as I placed in her hands some tokens from home...from her Mom, the Shaman. A small piece of Bear Skin, for protection. I quartz heart-shaped stone filled with my love, and an Asian Coin, for luck and prosperity. I told her she could place them completely hidden if she wanted, but they were what I wanted with her from here, this home she goes forth from, and from the heart and womb of the woman who carried and birthed her.

In her honor, I share a piece from one of my favorite artists and writers.

My Hands

"May I tell you the intensity, the excruciating joy, of participating in your life and watching you grow?
You are my favorite song
On life's list of accomplishments...you are my finest.
Accompanying you to this place has been my sweetest journey
You have been the vast question for which all my endevours have been the answer
As you travel to this place which shall be your home
My hands meet in applause
And clasp in prayer
My hands wave you on, and remain open-
An invitation to return freely to this place
Where you learned to fly."

Mary Ann Radmacher

Note to Self.........at 1:30am

coffee ice cream must have caffeine? Naive Mormon Girl Self Questions...But in the future...Don't sit down and eat a bowl of coffee ice cream at 9pm and expect to fall asleep in a timely fashion!

It's that time of year...ROFLMAO over this one Saturday

Messenger

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird-
equal seekers of sweetness
Here the quickening yeast, there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
Let me keep my mind on what matters;
this is my walk.

Which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,

Which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth, with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy, dug up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is that we live forever.

Mary Oliver

Commentary/Question:

Here is the question running through my mind, begging my contemplative answer; which at this point, I don't have one worth writing down:

What is the difference between a comfort zone, a rut, a pit and truly home? Cause I'm in one of them, and I'm wondering if there is a finer line that I realized between them.

I've always been such a doer, so this year has been a new experience for me to learn to slow down. I find myself 12 months later so happily, peacefully quiet and calm; contented with my own company.

This last weekend was probably one of the quietest I've had in years. I witnessed in curiousity how every plan I had made for Saturday melted away on it's own due to other people's change of plans. I just let it happen and didn't try to fill the time with anything or anyone else. So I read and napped and cleaned and cooked and did Yoga and enjoyed the dogs. And out of the stillness came the question, (Fascinating in that tonight is a full moon; a time of new beginnings), "What do I REALLY want?"

All I know at this point is that dispite the looming foreclosure, my life feels really nice. For the first time in years there is no internal (or external) list of things I want to accomplish or places I need to go. I have no grand wish list for changes. There is no illusion anymore around life. I have learned to be content and trust. Yet I also sense that there are some circumstances that are asking for my opinion (speaking metaphorically), before they take a direction of their own. And not choosing is also a choice. As I've contemplated my life I have realized that truly I have two distinct voices asking to be heard, and they are pretty much in opposition to each other. Can't have both, I realize.

What I REALLY want, is not a thing or a place or a person, but an experience. It is the universal answer to the question "What do women really want?" And the cool thing is that right now, I already have it, for the first time in my life, it seems to have taken up permanent residence. However, when I examine what it does for me, I realize how I have walled off some possibilities because I have never experienced being able to have this, and a relationship with a man at the same time. It has been an either/or proposition, and now I wonder if it is possible to find a partner who is capable of allowing my to have it, and still feel secure and loved, and I know that in understanding it's value to me, I am willing to offer the same to a partner.

Hint (on what I really want): Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnell

I cried.....tears of joy

I got the clearance from my PT last Friday to return to Yoga. Laura and I attended a class at LA Fitness last Sunday, which was very physical, with an Ashtanga and Vinyasa flair. I loved it...Laura was bored half way through so I let her leave to explore on her own.

As I was resting in Shavasana at the end of class with a completely empty mind, I found out of nowhere (or should I say 'now-here') that my body was releasing tears of joy. I could have easily (if I was not the new student in class) curled up in a ball on the floor and let them flow...wish I could have. The tears did not arise out of a thought or even an emotion....just a release of joy from my heart, bringing tears.

I have always loved Yoga, but what I learned this morning, is that my soul loves this practice and was so grateful I had returned to the mat. I have always heard and accepted there was a spiritual aspect to the poses, but never experienced it so profoundly, personally before that morning.

Seane Corn, featured in this clip, was one of my first experiences of Vinyasa (flow) practice; my favorite type. This morning I attended another class at LAF, with a different instructor, who I LOVED! Through her practice I was able to feel and understand precisely what has lead to these knee problems; where I am too tight and where I am too loose...

She shared that she had a difficult childhood and suffered from OCD and chronic depression for years, and it was not until beginning Yoga that things began to shift. She tells of leaving class one day early in her practice when she realized something was happening in her body as she walked home, in exploring it further, what she realized, was she was feeling HAPPINESS...for the first time in years. She had forgotten what it felt like to feel happy and yoga reconnected her with that inside herself. So began her journey.

Hope you enjoy Seane's message as much as I do! Namaste

Mary Oliver "When I Am Among the Trees"

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows, and the honey locust
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I ahave goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often

Around me the trees stir their leaves
and call out, "stay awhile"
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, "It's simple", they say
"and you too have come
into the world to do this, and go easy, to be filled
with the light; and to shine."

More Mary Oliver

"The Journey"

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
through their melancholy
was terrible
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Commentary:
It is always a comfort to read or hear another's personal tale that mirrors my own internal experience; makes me a little less sure I am insane :).

I was thinking the other day, after reading about Buddhism being nontheistic, and mentally recounting the evolution of my own beliefs. Although ultimately I have realized that I cannot really say what I believe to be 'true', as life continues to show me new and bigger ways of seeing things. What is true to one is hidden from others, what is true for some, is false for others...that is an entirely different subject. To me, truth is subjective, just like beauty..in the eyes and senses of the beholder.

I have unintentionally hurt, confused and frightened others when I took on my journey. But, what I can say for sure, is that one of the biggest differences between 'then' and 'now' is my experience of "God". God use to be an external being in a far away place who I hoped to please by being a good person, and thereby earning His blessings and rewards and feel His presence and comfort in my life when needed. I went to church and partook of fellowship and increased my knowledge and participated in ordinances to remind and solidify that relationship in myself. That time too was part of this journey. It was the beginning and middle and this journey is just a continuation of that one.

Then...I got quiet and and still and in the quiet and stillness I found, instead of a God out there, an everpresent God inside, the constant companionship of peace and well-being and joy. And with this presence inside, I find that ultimately there is no where to go, nothing to do to enrich my relationship with God except honor the truth that I am lead to live one day at a time. As hard as that is for some to understand, I am home.....I am at peace. I am in love and wish to express that joy and love in all my relations. It is now easier for me to hear and feel the presence of this Higher Self when I am in Nature, as the sounds, smells and sights slow me down and soothe my mind. Does that mean I no longer believe in God? Well, I suppose it depends on a person's individual definition. This I know; I am loved and lovable and loving and watched over and protected and blessed and abide in and with and around something larger than this local "Me". I believe there is ultimately no duality....or that in the duality there is perfect balance.

We use to walk in the Redwoods when I was a little girl. I loved it on a level I didn't even understand at the time, and had long forgotten until a couple of years ago as I began to study the relationship the Shaman and the Native Americans had with Nature....then I remembered how I felt as a child when I was outside.

Something as simple as taking the time to look up at and appreciate the beauty of the moon in the sky tonight is my prayer and my offering...and to be of service to those who come into my life in a loving way is my mission.

Wild Geese

For this beautiful, almost Fall day, the Shaman in me wants to share one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver

WILD GEESE

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
and mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean, blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

I experienced this during my VQ time last summer. Such a connection to nature and all of life and it sustains me, even today.

Permanent........

As I have sat with this idea of "Being Love" this summer it has brought me so many understandings and realizations. Being confronted with places I'm closed down, my sharp edges and gaping holes and how deeply and naturally I feel love and can give and receive down into my bones for and from others, for life and the gifts of nature and family. Also the pure joy that comes in life when I, or any of us, really open our hearts and be present to love when the opportunity surfaces in our lives.

I do not believe we choose who we love, or especially who we fall in love with. Love happens to us not too differently than being shot in the heart by cupid; sudden and sharp, usually though it can grow over time like a wildflower (or a wart)and our only choice is if we decide to let it continue to flow through us and change our inner landscape and/or picture of ourselves and the world around us. Hopefully, whether it lasts days or years it leaves us ultimately better off in the process. No joking, love hurts as much as it helps. It stretches and tests us as it takes our hearts on the biggest bunge jumps of our lives, and the free-fall can be a doozie, but if we can let ourselves allow our feet to leave the platform, it is that fall that gives us the ride and rush of our lives. Even when it leaves us initially feeling bruised and fragile, if we allow it, the healing process can be equally wild and wonderful...remind me I said this someday if I need it.

Some come into our lives for a moment and teach or demonstrate something for us; sometimes words don't even need to be exchanged. Others stay for awhile, do their job and get outa Dodge quick and dirty like, only until our time together is done, the lessons learned, the gifts exchanged. A few stay a lifetime, becoming a May Pole around which we weave our existence. Some stay forever, even if only in our hearts.

I regret nothing in my life and as I reflect back on those I('ve) love(d) and those who love(d) me, I'm so grateful for all the unlikely places and times we've found each other. You made life worth living. You added color and depth to my life; made is sweet and creamy. Let's keep the magic alive....whether near or far, past or present, then or now, through the way we move through our lives; may we bring the wisdom and the gifts of our time together and let go of the disappointments and pain and offer it up on the alter of suffering so the pain may be burned to ash and used up. Let it be burned there so it doesn't stay inside our hearts, minds or bodies, doing the damage there, where we are tempted to play it over and over like a bad commercial or used as evidence to justify anger or bitterness in this totally new day life has given us; Let's let it go so we can show up fully and joyfully wherever life has lead us. We are born innocent and did our best.

One of my favorite songs is by Jason Reeves, called "Permanent". I'll share it with you, although this version isn't Jason singing, it's easier to understand this guy's lyrics.......

Raw for 30 days

In a quest to cure my arthritis pain and heal my body I have gone on a deep, mostly internal search for what my body wants and needs to heal. No one could be more surprised than myself when I was lead to raw food. I started with a 4 day Master Cleanse, which resulted in the disappearance of years of chronic sinusitis and allergies. I am loving the food. I feel satisfied and more than that, my energy has never been better (in the last 20 years, anyway). No more need for afternoon naps and my blood pressure is normal and my allergies are still gone, in a couple of weeks and the weight is coming off in a healthy way...no counting calories or measuring or deprivation. I am having a blast exploring this whole world of fruits and vegetables. This summer I read the book, "Animal, Vegetable, Mirlacle", in which the author claimed that local organic produce was so much more tasty than the grocery store variety. I was skeptical, but I have found she is right. The funny thing, I wouldn't think twice about paying $4 for a bag of cookies, but why would I wince at paying $3 pound for organic local produce? which usually is a wnole lot more food and amazingly juicy.

Some of the research I did brought me to study the information presented by the institute that made this video. I think it's amazing, and although I don't have diabetes, if I did, I'd be signing up to go to Arizona. For me, I plan to be off all prescription meds. I am off of 2 out of 3 and hope to drop the 3rd in the next month. Take a minute to watch this fun video...



Now, it's not my intent to be on a soap box, and it may not be for everyone, but for me, it is just perfect. I love that it solves my problem of being too lazy to cook. Most of it I can make ahead, and if not, it takes only a few minutes. If worse comes to worse, I can grab some fruit and nuts. I LOVE and look forward to my satisfying green smoothie in the morning and my afternoon dates if a sweet tooth comes up. And there are always the raw chocolate ice cream I can literally whip up in one minute if I need it. Like the lady in the video, I have an addiction to food and a love affair with food. It has been used for every reason BUT nutrition my entire life and I am humbled and grateful that I have discovered it is possible to renew my vigor and stop the degenerative process in my body and eat amazing tasting food, as much as I want. I am not suffering or using white knuckles to stay away from junk. I think with my body finally getting the enzymes and nutrients it craves and getting off the addictive stuff it doesn't take control to eat right. Eating right, for all the right reasons just works for me. It's ironic that it took this much pain for me to make it, but no regret.....all in good time.