A Time to Bring Balance

How ironic it is, that just as the Equinox is upon us, a recognition of the balance of light and dark and moving toward an increase in darkness, a time to let go of that which no longer serves us, that life is FORCING ME, kicking and screaming inside, to deal with any and all of my external unfinished business, and in the process it's bringing up internal unfinished business. I'm being forced to look at things that I haven't wanted to look at (in an effort to avoid discomfort), but I know that the TRUTH is that these things are weighing me down and that in stepping into the darkness of them with eyes wide open, ready to do whatever is necessary to wrap them up, I will feel lighter and free.

The foreclosure should be resolved, one way or another by the end of this month, and now I have been told by the HOA that I need to get everything out of the lower level of my Townhome by the end of the month so they can start working on the foundation.

When we were told we had to evacuate almost 3 years ago, they literally gave us about 18 hours notice that the utilities were to be turned off and then we only had a few days to find other living arrangements, so sorting and cleaning up during and after the process was not possible...no water.. no vacuum, no time. I was moving into a very tiny place, so I didn't have room for anything but daily essentials, and didn't have the money to pay for or the energy left to deal with 'that other stuff', so I left it....to deal with later. Well...later has come. I left my garage almost completely intact. You know how that garage stuff is....you hardly ever need it. Well, it's been almost 3 years, and I have grabbed my Christmas decorations and a couple of other things over the years. I know all my camping equipment is still there. I haven't been camping in literally years, but I want to go again someday, so I am hesitant to let it go, but my gut is telling me to be brutal with it....just call 1-800-got-junk and let them have it all and be done. No sorting and loading and trips to the dump and goodwill and filling up the garage at my current home with more clutter. I estimate that the sorting and loading and renting of trucks and paying dumping fees would easily take 3 days and hundreds of dollars, not to mention the cost of my time and the wear & tear on still recovering knees....so the got junk man is looking like how I'll go.

I'm experiencing a strange, new phenomenon and awareness around it all. I realize how much unadulterated, absolute shame it is bringing up that I didn't even know existed that I feel about the mess that exists over there. I can hardly bear the thought of not only looking at and through the stuff myself, let alone letting anyone else see the mess I left. It's profound, it's deep, overwhelming and incapacitating and yet, it is giving me a vital teaching; showing me in stark, physical, ordinary reality, how self-conscious I am about letting anyone see the messy parts deep inside me or seeing me being emotionally messy, and the coping mechanism of not wanting to look directly at what I have yet left undone, lurking, unfinished, cramping up and weighing down my psyche and my soul in the dark, forgotten corners.

The clean out needs to be done by the end of the month so they can have access to our foundations and start the repair process. As I celebrated the arrival of Equinox yesterday, I realized that in being forced by external forces to clean up my unfinished physical mess, so that I may get a new foundation on my home, that this season will also be a time for me to clean out my own internal basement/bottom floor so that I can make way to receive a brand new, fully repaired internal foundation.

Jung compares the basement of a home/our homes, to the subconscious mind; the things we have no every day awareness of......it's incredible when I consider the timing of it all, and that what is being asked of me outside is what is left to deal with inside.

The myth and lore around the Equinox, the return of the dark, surrounds the story of Persephone, the beloved daughter of Zeus and Demeter. Autumn is the time that, as parents, they must let their daughter leave them and take her yearly descent down, into the darkness of the underworld for the next 6 months, off on her own, but knowing she will return in the Spring. The story goes that her descent brings the Winter and the return of the darkness. And in my own life, I am being asked to let go of one of my sweet daughters as I dropped her off at college today, but also knowing she will return, coincidentally about the time of the Spring Equinox.

She will do well, this I know. Although it is a sort of underworld, in terms of her first time living on her own, making all her own daily choices. She has always followed a path of her own choosing and has not been easily influenced by others, parents included, as far as her desires and opinions. She knows what she likes and believes and that is how it is for her. I say to her, "Blessed Be, my child. And so it is...Aho!

I got the eye roll this morning as I placed in her hands some tokens from home...from her Mom, the Shaman. A small piece of Bear Skin, for protection. I quartz heart-shaped stone filled with my love, and an Asian Coin, for luck and prosperity. I told her she could place them completely hidden if she wanted, but they were what I wanted with her from here, this home she goes forth from, and from the heart and womb of the woman who carried and birthed her.

In her honor, I share a piece from one of my favorite artists and writers.

My Hands

"May I tell you the intensity, the excruciating joy, of participating in your life and watching you grow?
You are my favorite song
On life's list of accomplishments...you are my finest.
Accompanying you to this place has been my sweetest journey
You have been the vast question for which all my endevours have been the answer
As you travel to this place which shall be your home
My hands meet in applause
And clasp in prayer
My hands wave you on, and remain open-
An invitation to return freely to this place
Where you learned to fly."

Mary Ann Radmacher