Messenger

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird-
equal seekers of sweetness
Here the quickening yeast, there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect?
Let me keep my mind on what matters;
this is my walk.

Which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,

Which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth, with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy, dug up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is that we live forever.

Mary Oliver

Commentary/Question:

Here is the question running through my mind, begging my contemplative answer; which at this point, I don't have one worth writing down:

What is the difference between a comfort zone, a rut, a pit and truly home? Cause I'm in one of them, and I'm wondering if there is a finer line that I realized between them.

I've always been such a doer, so this year has been a new experience for me to learn to slow down. I find myself 12 months later so happily, peacefully quiet and calm; contented with my own company.

This last weekend was probably one of the quietest I've had in years. I witnessed in curiousity how every plan I had made for Saturday melted away on it's own due to other people's change of plans. I just let it happen and didn't try to fill the time with anything or anyone else. So I read and napped and cleaned and cooked and did Yoga and enjoyed the dogs. And out of the stillness came the question, (Fascinating in that tonight is a full moon; a time of new beginnings), "What do I REALLY want?"

All I know at this point is that dispite the looming foreclosure, my life feels really nice. For the first time in years there is no internal (or external) list of things I want to accomplish or places I need to go. I have no grand wish list for changes. There is no illusion anymore around life. I have learned to be content and trust. Yet I also sense that there are some circumstances that are asking for my opinion (speaking metaphorically), before they take a direction of their own. And not choosing is also a choice. As I've contemplated my life I have realized that truly I have two distinct voices asking to be heard, and they are pretty much in opposition to each other. Can't have both, I realize.

What I REALLY want, is not a thing or a place or a person, but an experience. It is the universal answer to the question "What do women really want?" And the cool thing is that right now, I already have it, for the first time in my life, it seems to have taken up permanent residence. However, when I examine what it does for me, I realize how I have walled off some possibilities because I have never experienced being able to have this, and a relationship with a man at the same time. It has been an either/or proposition, and now I wonder if it is possible to find a partner who is capable of allowing my to have it, and still feel secure and loved, and I know that in understanding it's value to me, I am willing to offer the same to a partner.

Hint (on what I really want): Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnell