A Bite of Wisdom

"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."
Rilke

Friday, September 18, 2009

Autumn

As we approach this new season, this time of growing darkness, I remembered this piece was sitting in my stuff, waiting to be shared. Also, with the New Moon tonight, also a time of letting go....

AUTUMN

Urge me to drop every leaf I don't need
Every task or bad habit I repeat past its season
Every sorrow I rehearse
Each unfulfilled hope I recall
Every person or possession to which I cling-
Until my branches are bare, until I hold fast to
Nothing

Tutor me through straining night winds
In the passion of moan and pant
The gift of letting go
At the moment of most abundance
In the way of falling apples, figs, maple leaves, pecans.

Show me the way of dying in glorious boldness
Yellow,gold, orange, rust, red, burgundy.

Monza Naff

Friday, July 31, 2009

There I Go Again

The past few months have been different financially. Let's just say I'm adjusting. Feel mostly caught between a rock and a hard place. I made an honest attempt to work less hours this Spring and the balance it brought was healing and helpful in so many ways, but in a matter of a couple of months it was obvious ends would not be able to meet. I cut back in areas I could without it being stressful and then begin a process I have done to myself as long as I can remember...a mostly harsh and inflexible talk with myself that wreaks with self-judgment with a mix of "what's wrong with you...you have it so much better than so many others...you must just be lazy...who do you think you are to think you should only have to work 3-4 days a week. The rest of the world has to do 5 and so just get off your pity stick and go make some money"...it goes on from there, but I will spare you the details.

Here I am a month or so later...living with my decision and I feel my life has lost all balance. I am stressed, exhausted, eating to comfort myself and give me the energy to get going and keep going. My previous months of weight loss and a high raw diet I must have dropped somewhere along the roadside as I was forcing myself out the door or driving home hurting and resentful.

As I contemplated my future as a single parent over 10 years ago, most of the territory was a mystery, but two things I knew for sure were...I would need to be self-supporting in a few years and that if I had to do more than 3 days of dental hygiene on a regular basis I would go insane. That awareness was the motivation for the search that lead me to massage school. I figured I'd do both and it would give me balance. I was blessed at one point to even be able to do massage from home full-time for awhile. That was a dream come true. Circumstances changed in 2006, but little did I know I was heading for the future I was trying to avoid. I'm now living it....I'm not happy. I'm tired. My body is suffering. I'm not really left with the choice to add massage thereapy back into the world of production as Dental Hygiene has ruined my right thumb and the economy has hit the massage industry hard.

I've done the numbers...over and over. My choices seem to come down to a crazy reality...the main way to save money monthly would be to move to a cheaper place to live...but that is not possible with the dogs, who need a yard and those that even take dogs are about the same price I pay here. I've asked the universe several times to send me someone to share housing with...hasn't happened. I've explored the possibility of getting rid of my four-leggeds. It's not going to happen. They are my babies and I cannot give them away. I'm still open to the house-sharing idea, but it hasn't shown up. I've gotten rid of cable, cut back to minimum phone, could save some on groceries if I cut coupons and quite buying organic and raw, but I can no longer even find anything at Winco that I can put in my mouth considering my food sensitivities...and health is priceless. I do love where I live...the neighborhood, the yard, the location, the floorplan (would love an extra bedroom and a little more floor space, but 350 days a year it is perfect. I do eat out a couple of times a week, but even if i quit that and ate at home I would save about $100 a month at the most...that is saves me less than 3 hours of work a month...not significant. I have no debts except monthly living expenses...utilities, and rent. My car is paid for and insurance is only about $50/month. In order to have a work schedule that does not ruin my body and make me feel crazy my monthly expenses need to go down by at least $1000. If I could share housing that would save at least $500, maybe more. If I gave up my car that would be maybe $150 between insurance and gas...but a bus pass is over $80, so really...it's only a less than $100 savings. I could limit Laura to one dinner a night and limit snacks(seriously that kid eats like a teenage boy) and I bet I'd save $200 by becoming a kitchen Nazi. Dog food and grooming and Vet...that is a conservative estimate of $100, with health. But like I said, Laura and the dogs are my kids...I could get rid of my cell phone. That is $45/month. I don't use it that much anymore without my massage business. I've considered it. Maybe just go to an emergency only type of phone...less than $100 minutes might cost half that. With a teenager to keep track of, it feels risky...After considering all the possibilities I realized I just needed to get realistic and work a 'normal' work week and it would all be fine...wimp that I am....But now all I am is a tired, miserable, gaining weight slave. I compassionately remind myself that I am a Projector...not here to work...but to use my mind and be a guide to others...but does that pay the bills?

I did attempt to solve the work schedule by lobbying to work Fridays instead of Wednesdays, my logic being that a day off during the week would give me the rest and balance I needed. It seemed the perfect solution, until the Friday doctor cut his days and hours.

I have no epiphany...no words of wisdom to end this all. I feel increasingly envious of friends who have spouses that allow them to stay home with children or have other means of support. It's not that I don't want to work at all. It's just that I can't do THIS particular job more than 3-4 days without serious repercussions short and long term. I find that when I have to work the 4 and/or 5th day I am so tired and burned out there is no desire or energy to be productive or play on the home front. And even with the extra work, some or the things I'd like to enjoy I cannot afford...a weekend at Breitenbush...a massage....I do still get a pedicure about every 6 weeks. I do have someone mow my yard and clean my house; something I was going to give up if it meant being able to work less, but again, it costs me less than 2 hours of working to pay her to do 6 hours of work a month...and it would take me that long at least. That is a luxury that can go and would go...if I knew I could make ends meet on 3-3.5 days a week. It also costs me less than 2 hrs to make the money to pay the yard guy....so I am spending one half day out of the month earning that money.

I am aware I sound like a spoiled baby...wah, wah, wah. That is not my intention. I am thinking out loud more than anything. There were 2 changes that are making it tough to make ends meet. First, am not receiving more than a few hundred in support anymore and second, since not owning a home or being self-employed taxes are eating me frickin' alive...seriously. I could make it on the lesser work hours if I didn't have to pay Uncle Sam. That extra day a week is just to pay taxes. I must have fallen over some invisable line and I lost the earned income tax credit and suddenly I am hurled into the 30% tax bracket where before, I hadn't paid federal taxes in over 5 yrs and now they want almost a third. I'll shut up now. This makes me sound and look very unattractive and whiney....

I am supposed to spend this weekend calling in the solution...and I feel to tired to even participate in the process today. I did manage to do a little toward that end, but am not participating in the process like I planned. I just want a nap and the world to go away.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Juicy Life

I haven't blogged for so long that I had to stop and think to remember the address...that's crazy.

THis past 3 or 4 months have been intense to say the least. So much loss, so much darkness, so much healing, and now, finally, so much light. In the midst of it all I don't think I had the energy to even put anything other than a status on FB. No writing muse present in this life.

In the aftermath of going deeper into the Abyss than I have ever been, I lost all perspective and there was, for the first time in this life, in this body, no light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. I wasn't ready to leave this body, but I didn't want to go on, could find no reason to keep going. Breathing was an effort.

Thanks to patient, loving friends, and the passage of time, the use of Shamanism and Naturopathic Medicine, I feel alive and more present than ever. The part of me that felt done and washed up, worn out and weary has re-awakened and reappeared more alive and present than before.

Life just feels juicy right now. Blessings are showing up; some in very unconventional, but still perfect ways. I am enjoying each moment and am (sorry to my pessimistic friends) back to the half-full way of seeing things. I am more in my body, more in my heart and it feels great. Laura is probably getting tired of my longer, tighter hugs, but she will just have to adjust.

I want it all. And....I am willing to enjoy my life whether all the pieces look like they are in place yet or not.

My body feels good since re-entering a mostly raw food diet. I'm slowly losing the weight I gained since the townhouse slid. I now see I needed all this time to process it all and I am thankful I was kind and patient with myself and indulged the part of me that thought sugar and fat were the answers. I, like probably most of us, am a slow, stubborn learner. Once I stopped putting the junk in I started feeling so alive I couldn't sleep well. I felt restless. My first and second chakras were spinning so fast it almost carried me away.

I am able to love, all of humanity, more deeply than before. I love this quote:

"Being love means that you are responsible for gathering all the parts of your fractured self, the parts you have abandoned or become ashamed of, and carrying them tenderly to the alter of your heart for repair." Maureen Moss

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Irony of Worry

On my way to my follow-up mammogram today I was feeling pretty peaceful and calm and I was pondering why some things make us literally sick with worry while other things we don't think twice about. Namely, on the way to the appointment I was considering all that could change for me IF I got a diagnosis and at times how cancer can still make me crazy when I consider it entering my body and life again....and yet, it occurred to me that I jump in my car usually several times a day without even a hint of concern for my safety. The truth, when I consider it, is that statistically I am much more likely to be seriously injured or killed in my car than I am of being diagnosed with cancer this particular day of my life. That realization caused me to consider how conscious I am of how I pick what to spend mental energy on...

To spend any time worrying about cancer and none worrying about driving a car is, in acutality...REALLY stupid. For that matter, to spend time worrying about ANYTHING that hasn't happened isn't too smart either....just sayin'.

I was given an 'ok' today, by the way. My mammogram does still show an abnormal area, but from the ultrasound they were able to confirm that the area is smaller in size than last check.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Under This Full Moon

Since last Fall this notion of "Storycatching" has captured me; much to my dismay. Everywhere I turn...there it is. I have read way too many books on writing your personal history...taken workshops....and have yet to acutally put 'pen to paper', as it were, and start. I've distracted myself in a million and one ways. I guess I have been waiting for it to be easy; for someone to offer me a soft, comfy chair and my to do list completed for me...and that I've gone through all my excuses not to. I started a blog and invited others to tell their stories; hoping it would get me going to. That seems to have all but fizzled and I feel sort of funny being the only one writing....like I'm hogging the space or something rediculous. Just another excuse, really.

I had one story that had poked it's painful, ugly head up immediately demanding attention. It was a very private, embarrassing, deeply suppressed memory. One that I thought had been 'dealt with'. I had been forwarned that the February Full Moon would bring upheaval. That it would 'tear me apart only to put me back together again in a better way'. That it would have to do with my relationship with the Masculine. It came in innocently enough.

I had signed Laura and myself up for a Self Defense class and that afternoon as we practiced at the punching bag. What I assumed was long forgotten and surely forgiven all came flooding back like a Tsunami. I had never punched anything or anyone in my entire life and was impressed, shocked really, at the power it brought to me, but in the same instant I enjoyed the power, came a flashback to a time period in my life that I often played the victim...just lay there and accepted assault on every level. The intensity almost dropped me to my knees. I quite hitting the bag and walked away and somehow managed to wishit away for later.

That night in the hot tub, coincidentally under the Full Moon, I let the emotions come. The shock, the grief, the pain, the shame....None of it about the perpatrator, but simply for my own internal experience. Complete shock that it never even occurred to me to do anything except take it. Compassion for myself for not doing anything. Not speaking up, getting out, fighting back. I allowed a deep, cleansing cry to overtake me. I allowed deep growning howls to overtake me and release the long held emotions. It wasn't until I was done that I remembered the forecast for a powerful Full Moon. "I wonder if this is what he was talking about?" I thought to myself. It certainly did have to do with my relationship to the Masculine. The cry released the heaviness and I thought I was done. "That wasn't so bad", I thought to myself.

Little did I know that it was only the beginning of the process. Most days since then I still feel torn apart, fragmented to some degree. I have trouble staying in the moment, in my body...I guess it isn't done with me yet. Not yet time to be back together. In one piece. I have done my best to surrender to the process. I touched on it a couple of posts ago. Each day brings it's own gifts. I'm learning not to fear or run from the darkness and I'm trusting that things are healing and shifting inside at a level not perceptable to me consciously. I am grateful to kind friends who have let me fall apart in their presence. Others who take the time to let me know with a note that they love me and are thinking of me. Those who have reminded me of the truth about life and myself....even though I have often figuratively flipped them off in my mind as they remind me. I even sat and wrote the story of that time; put it on paper for the first time, hoping to speed up the process. Instead it brought an onslaught of dark and forgotten memories. I'm letting them happen and I'm really trying to be present with each of them. Acknowledge them. Allow the images, the feelings of all of them to flow through. To sit with myself and those around me with deeper compassion. Be kind and gentle with myself each day. Rest as I heal.

I can't help but wonder if the surgery is not partly to blame. The pelvis is energetically our 'ocean of emotion', and mine certainly endured a good physical stirring, so surely it brought up the 'bottom dwellers' to be cast on the beach to be noticed and examined, whether I wanted or not.

So...in this Full Moon I will start my "Her-Story" in earnest.

I'm learning that some paths must be walked mostly alone and yet don't have to be completely lonely. And so, I try to be patient as I am being 'put back together in a better way'.....And so it is.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Everything is Waiting

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

David Whyte

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Shining Darkness

Somewhere in my usual, Polly Anna, Idealist mind I had 2009 pegged as a whole new beginning. A starting over. The words "Fresh" and "Free" would have flowed off my tongue. It doesn't seem to be any of that...so far.

In the last 15 years I've had other struggles, other trials, bigger threats and losses, and as far back as I can remember I've mostly sailed on through, hardly missing a beat in the daily routine; picking back up right where I left off, hardly falling off the wagon on my way to who knows where...but I never quit moving for long.

This time is different and I have to be honest with myself and admit that I am in uncharted waters. I do have the vague awareness of some sort of life jacket or flotation device. There have been moments that a wave takes me under and in that process I've discovered what at first was a frightening realization. I don't have much, if any, fight left in me at the moment. When I find myself once again under water, rather than panic and make a quick dart for air and oxygen, I find only a faint sigh as my body begins to float to the surface without any effort on my part. More often than not I wake up sort of resigned to the fact that I am still here and go through the motions in vaguely disconcerting way. I don't like this, and although I'd like to feel better I don't have the energy to do what it might take to do anything about it.

The other interesting aspect of this time is that juxtaposed to this internal condition is a simultaneous, spontaneously-appearing joy in the simplest things.

In any given day I can be in both heaven and hell several times with no predictability or consciousness about it on my part.

It doesn't really matter to me what got me here, although early on I was grasping for explanations, there is another part of me that is content and at peace with the process. Although at times the depth of the darkness can take my breath away when I realize how far I've fallen from the surface.

My appetite is finicky at best. My sleep is fitful some nights, and a blissful escape others. Basic self-care is a burden and I struggle just to keep hydrated and survive the surf between nausea and hunger. I manage to take most of my supplements most days, but that is mostly to avoid the consequences of not for this on the border body. I guess the truth is I'm in survival mode and simultaneously wishing for death.

To say I am a walking paradox is an understatement. For example, the other day I had a great conversation with someone and was relishing our relationship and the blessing it was to my life and feeling so thankful in general. I realized I was very thirsty and walked to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator to get my water bottle then picked it up a couple of inches off the shelf only to put it down, close the door and put a square of chocolate in my mouth instead, defying any logic whatsoever...I was denying myself exactly what I wanted AND needed.

As I walked out of the kitchen in observer mode I asked, almost outloud, what that was about....why was I denying myself water? The answer came quickly..."It doesn't matter...I don't really care." "Care about what?", I asked. "To live." was the immediate reply.

I must admit that was the truth, which brought some peace, but the backlash of fear that followed was equal. "What do you mean you don't want to live?" "Thoughts like that will make you sick. You will make yourself sick and die and it will devastate Laura. That is crazy. You are crazy. You need help. You have to fix this. You need to live. What is wrong with me?" My breath became shallow and short. And I realized that some days I was hardly breathing. That it took effort and sometimes the air almost caught in my throat. My mind wandered to all the ramifications. This behavior was obviously a physical manifestation of some part of my subconscious that was acting out on it's death wish. It was doing it's part to get it's way or make evident it's desires...desires I wasn't really on board with. All of this...within one morning...complete bliss and complete dispair. And the best part...It's all true and I can handle it.

With the realization I sat down in my favorite chair and just breathed. Deeply. In and Out. Over and over. And in that moment all was well and all ok. If that part of me that feels done and ready to move on to the next realm has it's way and even if it manages to turn into illness...so be it. I have no control, at least right now, to change that. I can be present with that. And I can be present with my lack of appetite as well as the paradox of today....Relishing my freedom and independence in one moment and an hour later feeling completely alone.

Mostly I have just chosen to accept that this is where my mind and my body are right now and I am being as kind and compassionate to myself as I know how to be. Instead of forcing myself to eat food that doesn't look or sound good or buying groceries that are 'good for me' then having to throw them out spoiled, I am taking one meal at a time and mostly eating out or going to New Seasons when I get hungry and getting just what sounds good. That feels nurturing and kind. Instead of forcing myself to go out and be with people when I feel lonely, I allow the desire to stay in to rule. I accept that even though my body is healed to the point I have my doctor's permission to resume light exercise, another part of me needs more time and isn't ready. I am struggling to accept a changing body and fear that it might not ever change back, but in those moments I breathe and I smile slightly. And I accept this very paradoxical existence.

Final note: If you feel inclined to worry, please don't. I am and will be mindfull and take care of myself...and ask for help if I need it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Right Now....

When I read this message last week I knew it was what was happening to me...and I knew it was a direct message to let go...and yet...I cling...I grip...I won't relax and just stand up and walk gracefully, peacefully, in faith...to the new life waiting..what will it take before I stop holding on?

"Most of us are dragged toward wholeness.
We do not understand the breakdown of what has gone before.
We do not understand.
We cling to the familiar,
refuse to make necessary sacrifices,
refuse to give up habitual lives,
resist our growth.
We do not understand rebirth,
do not accept the initiation rites.
Mot of us are dragged toward wholeness."

Friday, March 6, 2009

Open the Door

When we close the windows and doors of our house and stay inside, we feel very secure, we feel safe, unmolested. But life is not like that. Life is constantly knocking at our door, trying to push open our windows that we may see more; and if out of fear we lock the doors, bolt all the windows, the knocking only grows louder. The closer we cling to security in any form, the more life comes and pushes us. The more we are afraid and enclose ourselves, the greater is our suffering, because life won’t leave us alone. We want to be secure but life says we cannot be; and so our struggle begins.

Life Ahead, p 54

--J. Krishnamurti

Thursday, March 5, 2009

What's in a Name?

I remember years ago hearing the story told of an African tribe that had a defined practice of welcoming in new members.

When a woman discovered she was expecting a baby she went out into the wilderness alone to listen. To listen for a song...the song of the soul of that child...for the name of that child. After a few days of listening alone, the other woman in the tribe joined her to support her in the process and sing the song with her.

Then, after the name is known and the song is heard, they return as a group to the tribe with the name and the song of this new little person. This song is sung to the child throughout the rest of the pregnancy. Then during the birth of the child the song is sung again...it's body emerging into the world surrounded by music and LOVE. THe child knows it's name and it's song. Throughout the life of this growing, emerging person this song is sung. This song is unique, one of a kind. When they need support, when they go astray, when they get lost or forget who they really are..the are sung their song...to remember...to 're-member' themselves; pull themselves together.

What I like about this story is that it honors individuality more than anything. It doesn't use guilt or shame, or pressure, or try to get the child back in any form or box. The tribe honors that each child is unique, each has a different sound, a different voice, an individual life. And it is in and through her own song, sound and name that the person is strengthened and uplifted.

I think so often in this culture, rather than lifting each other up, we subtly try to pull each other back down to earth. "Get back in line". "Who do you think you are?" "That's not the way things are done".

And yet our true friends, our true family, see us in our highest and best light. They know we can fly, they know what our potential is...and even when we struggle and get lost, they don't forget or give up on us. THey sing us our song, re-mind us without correcting us....I have been truly been blessed.

I remember the first time I heard this story I had just returned from a month at Heartwood. It was the place of my remembering, my rebirth. I remember attending my first Autumn Equinox celebration/Ceremony. As I completed the Labrynth, my first one, and set my offering down on the alter in middle and spoke words I'd never heard before. From anyone. Where they came from I can't even say....they just came out of my mouth as I knelt toward the ground and stretched out my hand, laying my small feather down. "Thank you, Mother Earth, for waking me up from a bad dream and a long slumber...and singing me the song of my soul." It rather caught me off guard..."What the heck did that mean?" Yet...I knew they were true.

So when I heard this story told a short time later, I recognized it within myself...I had heard MY song...and it saved me.

Now as my daughter Courtney sits, this baby growing inside, I see her listening in her own way...and I sense she is beginning to hear. I honor that process within her and am humbled at her humility, her strength...and resolve to honor the individuality of this soul...coming to our family....and may we all, his family, honor him for just who he is.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

My lightbulb for today

After a soul nourishing day like today I felt all back at home in my heart and present in my life in my 'usual', grateful way. I was also filled by time with my friend Jade. I was thinking about how my understanding of friendship has evolved through my friendship with him. I was recalling how much he used to piss me off and disappoint me with his 'flakiness' and 'selfishness'. I recalled how it had been a very long time since I had experienced a strong emotional reaction to anything he had said or done. I wondered within myself what was different because he had not changed in a profound way. I have noticed that he does tend to make fewer promises and yet when he does is is much more likely to keep them, but not perfect at it. So...why am I no longer reacting, I wondered?

In that moment I realized that my understanding of what having and being a friend had changed more than anything. I think I use to view my friends more from a place of what I got from them rather than what I wanted to offer them. It wasn't all about what I got, but I do think I kept some sort of unconscious track in a sort of tit for tat way and that there were often times that I really needed or expected something in the exchange...I wanted to be fed more than I wanted to feed. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times I need my friends or something from my friends but I have learned that if I need a specific something to come out and ask for it and other than that I mostly showed up just be present and enjoy the company of my friends without any expectation of what would transpire. Jade taught me this through pain but also example.

I remember in 2003 being in a time of adjustment and grief over an interaction with him. I was telling a woman of the disappointment and she said to me, "Oh, so you had an expectation, did you?" "Well, yes", I replied quite justified. "He said he was going to be this for me and do that for me so I had every right to be disappointed. He set the expectation. Not me.." "Well that's where you get into trouble...when you expect things from others." Honestly, I thought she was a total freak. I'd never heard such a concept. I realized though that I lived in all my relationship from a place of expectation. I had expectations of everyone. I began paying attention to this in myself. I experimented with what it was like to be in friendship with expectations and without and found that if I let go of expectations of others I was at peace most of the time. I'm not really sure how I did that, but I believe as we set an intention we can experience transformation and just by me saying I wanted to let go of expectation and being open to change, over time, it happened.

I focused more on providing for my own needs instead of always looking to others to fulfill them. I became more kind and compassionate with myself and that transformed into more kindness and compassion for others.

So today as I sat with this whole process within myself I realized that in giving myself permission to take care of myself first before diving in to take care of others I had much more to give to others in terms of my time and energy and my presence as well. So my light bulb moment today was that one major shift in letting go of expectation was that I now gave my friends permission in my mind and heart to take care of themselves before worrying about how I wanted them to take care of me and that my true desire is for their well being ahead of mine. I like my life so much better that way...it's like the proverbial story of the airlines instructing you to place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.

Today I found this video from one of my teachers that to me, illustrates the concept. The right and left hand do not compete or judge each other...they recognize their interconnectedness...and that is what my friends do for me; give me permission to be myself and do my thing and above all...they want what is best for me more than what is best for them.

Oriah, one of my favorite authers writes in her poem, "The Invitation" that someone is 'faithless and therefore trustworthy' and that many people, myself included read it as 'faithful' rather than 'faithless'. I have to admit being initially confused and changing the wording too. She goes on to explain that someone can 'disappoint another rather than betray themselves'. That was also a new concept at the time. But I have come to understand that the most trustworthy individuals are the ones who you can count on to tell you the truth, including what is in their own best interest and that the friendships I most enjoy are like that...I give you permission and expect that you will not overextend or betray yourself...enjoy


Saturday, February 14, 2009

On Love By Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

L'Chiam

L'Chiam...the phrase the Jewish poeple shout as they raise their glasses in the air, toasting "to life". Racheal Naomi Ramen was told by her grandfather that it means that no matter what difficulty life brings, no matter how hard or painful or unfair life is, life is holy and worthy of celebrating.

I feel this in my own life now...as I come down and out of a 3 year journey trying to return my life to what it was before, both financially and physically. It ended up being as futile as trying to catch water as it ran through my fingers.

Life isn't like that. It's always changing. I knew that before, but now more deeply. Life is very much like water; ever moving, capable of multiple forms of being depending on where it finds itself.

I knew I was holding on, grasping, not letting go, but it was as if I couldn't help myself. It took a very, very long time to accept that what was would never be again.

I did celebrate throughout, but looking back, underneath there was always a certain level of grasping. I don't judge myself for it, but I do acknowledge it's presence in the process and hope that next time, simply having met and lived with it before, I can make a different choice.

Today I sit with an underlying restlessness. Feels a lot like boredom. But I know it is more. We have the arrival of the full moon next Monday, the 9th, and last night she started creeping into my bones. It is her doing, this charged, rending energy that feels as if it could overpower me, and because I've had it happen before I'm not looking forward. She did it to me last February and it felt like a madness, really. I could hardly breath, hardly sit still. So, this time I'll do yoga and breathe and see what comes out the other side.

And, I will offer a loud "L'Chiam" as I do so. Because I do bless life, which is about celebrating, rather than trying to fix. Racheal also says,

"Life offers it's wisdom generously. Everything teaches. Not everyone learns. Life asks us the same thing, "Stay awake. Pay attention". But paying attention is no simple matter. It requires us not to be distracted by expectations, past experiences, labels and masks. It asks that we not jump to early conclusions and that those who have courage to imbrace life without judgment and are willing to not know, sometimes for a long time. It requires us to be more fully and simply alive than we have been taught to be. It may require us to suffer. But ultimately we will be more than we were when we began."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Stepping on New Ground

I think the phrase 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life' is sort of over-dramatic, yet those were the words that kept floating through my head yesterday. For me, Friday was a day of clarity and acceptance. Many of my friends and family held me in prayer and practice last week as I navigated the ending of the journey of the last 3 years, and struggled with how much to intervene and how much to let go, and what actions to take, if any.

Last fall, after doing all I could to work with the bank holding my mortgage (even though I owned more of it than they did), I was prepared to write a check allowing me to get current on my past due balance from the funds I received to re-imburse me for some of my living expept. I was not sure how I would manage the larger new payment, due to the restucturing, but I was prepared to do whatever it took not to let the bank take away my life savings...even going back to working 2 jobs and finding new homes for my dogs so I could move into an apartment. I had called the law firm to get the exact balance needed and had the pen out and the check book open when I had one of the most profound messages from Spirit to date. It was like an unseen hand grabbed the top of mine as I held the pen over the check and I heard the words..."Not one more day. Not one more dollar. No more energy. Move on." I did not write the check at that time and I spent the next week trying to make sense of that message and come to terms with the likely outcome of following the advice. Thanks to the help of a few close friends who bring years of personal integrity and wisdom to my table, I received the confimation and courage to not get current and walk away completely from the situation that had consumed my life for going on 3 years. While I did not know why this guidance was being given exactly, I had received some pretty illogical guidance in years past, and following it had always proved wise, that place within me knew that I didn't have to know...I just needed to act on it in faith and maybe someday I would know...or not

Several weeks later my ex-neighbor John shared with me that he had heard on NPR of a non-profit, HUD funded agency that had confirmed with him that not only could they help me, but it was their expertise. I wondered if perhaps it was best to open the can of worms again but decided it wouldn't hurt to meet with them only because it was a free service and I wouldn't have to do anything. After taking my information, the HUD counselor told me he would have no problem not only stopping the foreclosure, but also fixing my credit. I walked away with what I thought was an open mind with no attachement to what happened...and besides at that point, we had over 3 months.

I realized during the holidays that the date for foreclosure was now fast approaching so at the new year I began trying to get in touch with the man. No phone calls or emails were returned in the first 2 weeks, so I finally called the man's boss, thinking that perhaps he was no longer working there. I was assured he did and the next day he called but couldn't find my file or remember anything about the case. I was concerned, but remained a squeeky wheel, hoping that would help. In the end, the sheer number of foreclosures in today's market caused my case to fall through the cracks not only at my bank, but in the agency who in less frenetic times would have been able to solve this large misunderstanding. I freely admit to near panic during the last 2 weeks, mostly because of the senslessness of it all.

Thanks to the prayers and wisdom of many, I spent the last week of this experience mostly in quiet peace as I made the final phone calls and emails that my mind and heart felt were necessary so that SOMEDAY I could look back and know I had done all I could. My inner experience last week was one of feeling a colorful, peaceful veil being pulled over my eyes and mind around the situation. It was as though I was not being allowed to see or think in the direction of the past and my heart soared at the thought of no longer having to deal with any of it anymore. I was reminded of the still unspent money I still had and I was lead to look online a little at what was for sale and how much things were costing to buy and rent and I realized that if I ever decided to buy again, prices were significantly lower...good news as well.

My final phone call to Wells Fargo, as well as my attendence at an HOA meeting Thursday only solidified the absolute wisdom of moving on and away in every way. Letting Wells Fargo have the broken home they refused to wait on seemed like ultimate justice rather than a victimization.

As I sat in Circle with many wise women yesterday in meditation I had a glorious teaching from Spirit. I was reminded of a significant shaminic journey I'd had a couple of years ago where I had been shown that I was supposed to go to a new place, which was represented by a far off island. I had inquired what it was and was only told, "That's where you are going." I answered sort of smuggly and sarcastically, "Well, how I am going to get there?" The answer was, Well, the first thing you need to know is that in order to get there, I would first have to leave 'here'. At that time, that was too tall an order for me in every way and I shrunk back from a new life and brushed it off, chosing to cling to what I was so desperately trying to preserve of my old life. But I never forgot the journey and that is the great thing about dreams...they wait for you.

It wasn't until last summer, after letting go of the home, that I finally traveled back to that place with Spirit and willingly volunteered to "Go there". I said that I didn't know where it was, or what it looked like, but I was here now and that I was willing to leave where I was.

What followed was a readiness to pursue some areas of service that had been calling to me and now that I had the energy and time of not dealing with the lawsuit I started in. Those projects and programs are now well in the works and I felt 'on the way'....

With the memory of the journey and the heeding of it's call in my mind I was shown that island (which represents where I'm going) and told that today was a day for letting go and that tomorrow, which I was reminded was the beginning of a whole new month, was the beginning of a new life. An adventure to 'there'. And that before I rose from bed tomorrow I was to journey to that beach and put my foot on the sand and walk up on the beach until I no longer had water at my feet and to just look round. Tears flowed with both sorrow and joy over an ending I thought would never come, and here I was, in this moment, livng my worst fear...and it was all ok. I was still here. I was certainly still breathing and it wasn't nearly as painful as I'd imagined. I heard very distinctly the words, "Where you're going, you don't even need that house. It is simply unnecessary." I was also crying tears of gratitude for my connection to Spirit and it's unwavering guidance.

I did journey to that beach this morning...it was warm and sunny and just being there makes me smile. Just thinking of it now makes me smile...

And that is all I know...and it IS enough. And so it is.

Amen Sister!

At Bodhisattva yesterday Teri shared a quote that I totally LOVED...I share it with you now.

"Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force." Dorthy Sayers

Aho! ("All my relations")

Friday, January 30, 2009

What a ride...

And I'm so glad I've been on it. So much learning...so much growth. So much joy. So much pain.

It's culminated in Justin arriving home from Russia about 9 days ago. What a joyful reunion for all of us. He is an integral part of our family..and his presence makes a difference for all of us. Seems he has brought home all of his best qualities while growing out of the more difficult ones....I may be premature in that statement.

It appears that my foreclosure will commence uninterrupted on Monday and the bank will most likely still hold the note as no one will likely buy it, but I am not even sure that I want the HUD counselor to continue to try to negotiate. We had an HOA meeting last night and many important things became very clear as to the future reality the owners will face. I am very angry and disappointed by that tonight. That moreso than the loss of the home.

I want to go soak for a few minutes before an early turn in. I have a busy, fun day planned.

I made the decision to go through with a suggested surgery in March, so it will entail a 6 week recovery this spring. The surgery is scheduled for March 16th.

LOve ya

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Guest House

Please enjoy one of my favorite poems by Rumi by clicking on the link below...it is worth it!

Rumi The Guest House

This last 2 weeks have felt very intense. So much transition, so much letting go, so much joy present to receive....and all of it, all at once. And as much as it is intense, I still am enjoying it very much, as I have come to understand that it is the stuff life is made of, and I am completely willing to believe that if I do lose the money I have in my home next week, then I am simply being swept out for a new arrival.

Have I told you lately that I love you? I do...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Letting Go Hurts...and it seems there has been so much of it

I am in the garage sorting through what is mostly left over and excess from downsizing over the last 4 years. I had to stop for a moment and come in the house and breathe. I am surprised how difficult it is and how I feel physical pain in my chest doing it. I have given so much away already and don't miss any of it, and so I expected that since I knew the truth of the process, this last small bit would be easier this time. Sadly, I'm finding not so. Much of it I have carried around, allowing it to sit in piles in garages and closets. Thankfully, my new home does not allow me to continue the clutter. I have made numerous trips to Goodwill and Deseret Industries and given away lots of furniture to friends and strangers. That part feels good...now if only there was someone standing at my door with arms open for what remains....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dear Mr. President

It is with deep disappointment in the current administration and reserved, but optimistic hope that I anticipate the Inauguration next week. It can't be any worse. At least Obama seems to have his priorities more in line with my own. I love this song by Pink, which expresses my sentiments exactly....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ch..Ch..Ch...Changes

"It is far more creative to work with the idea of mindfulness rather than the idea of will. Too often people try to change their lives by using will as a kind of hammer to beat their lives into proper shape. The intellect intellect identifies the goal of the program, and the will accordingly forces the life into that shape. This way of approaching the sacredness of one's own presence is externalistic and violent. It brings you falsely outside yourself, and you can spend years lost in the wilderness of your own mechanical programs. You can perish in a famine of your own making." John O'Donahue


This is the time of year everyone is focused on self-improvement. Last year at this time I too had a chosen destination to reach. Long story short...my soul had a different route to take me than the one I had planned. This one is slower, more deliberate, more joyful...but VERY, VERY slow. But I have come to see that all of my so-called detours are truly getting me there and when I finally DO get there, I will have learned so much more on the way, and truly have the internal strength to make it 'stick'.

My plan had me participating in a formal program. I did take the time to journey about whether I should participate, and received an affirmation, but after only 2 months it was clear it was the right time, but the wrong place. In confusion, I journeyed again, and what I was told challenged me and called me to the truth on so many uncomfortable levels. In a nutshell, I was told that indeed it was time to leave. When I inquired as to why I had received original direction to participate, now only to be told to quit, I was told, "That was the teaching and the lesson. Think back, my dear...way back. You don't know how to quit. Think back and remember. Remember all the times, all the things, all the people that you KNEW were not right for you and yet you wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave, wouldn't quit. So many reasons. Fear, embarrassment, avoiding confrontation, not wanting to disappoint. All the same non-action; for so many different reasons, but ALL because you don't know how to quit. Now is the time.

My mind kindly played me a movie of all the times I'd betrayed myself by staying as well as the way it felt to be in my body. I felt a pit in my stomach and I couldn't even imagine how to start the process of telling the workshop leader that I wasn't going to continue the one year program. THe biggest reason I had stayed as long as I had was that the program was almost not held because there was only 2 of us, so if I quit, then I felt like I was ending her chance to study too. I did quit. It wasn't easy and it wasn't especially pretty or smooth. I made a phone call to the teacher in which I didn't do very well at explaining myself and my reasoning, which left the door open for her to try to talk, almost beg me to staying through the end of the year, to which I did a horrible job holding to my truth and sort of said 'ok'. As soon as I hung up the phone I felt awful. I responded by sending a well written explanation which she graciously accepted.

The point of all of this is that as soon as it was done, it was like I crossed an invisiable threshold of divine help. All the willpower and desire to do all the things I really wanted to do, but wouldn't, for some reason, let myself. I began riding my bike to work and going to yoga to name a couple.

My resolution this year is to continue to be compassionate and kind to myself as I wish for you the accomplishment of all you hope for in your life, but in a kind and compassionate way...not a white knuckle approach.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

"The Nativity" By John O'Donahue

This month marks the one year anniversary of the passing of one of my favorite poets. While it is difficult to choose a favorite, this is in the top 10. He is an amazing mystic and philosopher, as well as a poet. He says this also speaks of "New Beginnings" or the "Birth of Ourselves". I dedicate it at this time to my daughter, Courtney, whos body and soul are right in the thick of it.

'No man reaches where the moon touches a woman.
Even the moon leaves her when she opens
Deeper into the ripple in her womb
That encircles dark, to become flesh and bone.

Someone is coming ashore inside her,
A face deciphers itself from water,
And she curves around the gathering wave,
Opening to offer the life it craves.

In a corner stall of pilgrim strangers,
She falls and heaves, holding a tide of tears.
A red wire of pain feeds through every vein,
Until night unweaves and the child reaches dawn.

Outside each other now, she sees him first,
Flesh of her flesh, her dreamt son safe on earth.'

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Maitri

Unconditional friendship with one's self...this is what captured my passion in 2008.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Mmmmmmmm

The last couple of evenings have been literally heavenly...except that I have not gone to the gym as I planned, but in support of myself I will say that I think I will benefit more from the quiet and the grounding I have received. I have read and written, but the best part has been being outside. I LOVE being outside and it is so nice to have it warm and dry enough to do it without suffering.

My backyard is on the north side of the house, so this strong southern wind only plays with my hair a little and brushes my cheek. I have been able to sit in the hot tub, warm and safe under the water and watch nature play with all of her many inhabitants. I am witness to the large trees waving warmly at me, their high brances dancing and playing amongst themselves. I feel among friends. I am amazed at the speed with which the clouds are passing...like a freeway of foam, small breaks allowing the pregnant moon to play peek a boo with me. She is so bright that it causes a small flash in the sky when she sppears. It makes me feel so alive. It's like I'm in the middle of a giant melodrama, but only an observer, turning the pages of a well-written play.

Thank you...

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Song of 2008

I was sent a list of questions from one of my teachers as a practice in reviewing the last year of my life. ONe of the questions was...if you had to pick a song that represented the last year for you, what would that song be? I have been sitting with that question this week...tonight it came to me.

Here it is, followed by a brief, for me, explanation of why.




This song is representative because last year seemed like the end of a long journey, and in the end, it lead me right back where I started, back home, but this time, it is a joyfully inhabited heart. A heart with purpose and more compassion and depth. I have managed to shed many illusions about myself and about life in general. Part of the journey aspect has also been my travel to Ireland; truly the land of my soul. A place that surely I have lived and loved before and a place I will return, even if only my ashes, spread at Laugh Crew, on top of the Cairn, but also near the Hags Chair. Laura, who accompanied me on the trip, has been instructed, and money is set aside for her return trip to bring me back there when this journey, in this body is complete.

This journey home, to myself, feels complete. No more striving, no more second- guessing or discontent. Abiding peace and a deeper presence have taken their place. I have inhabited my solitude in a way that is deeply nourishing, rather than lonely...and I enjoy the company I keep there.

I have learned to accept the financial trials of the last few years in trust. I have grown to embrace my an aging body, while also learning to respect its limits and nurture my health in a kinder way.

And I ask you........what song would you choose to be your song of the year?