What a ride...

And I'm so glad I've been on it. So much learning...so much growth. So much joy. So much pain.

It's culminated in Justin arriving home from Russia about 9 days ago. What a joyful reunion for all of us. He is an integral part of our family..and his presence makes a difference for all of us. Seems he has brought home all of his best qualities while growing out of the more difficult ones....I may be premature in that statement.

It appears that my foreclosure will commence uninterrupted on Monday and the bank will most likely still hold the note as no one will likely buy it, but I am not even sure that I want the HUD counselor to continue to try to negotiate. We had an HOA meeting last night and many important things became very clear as to the future reality the owners will face. I am very angry and disappointed by that tonight. That moreso than the loss of the home.

I want to go soak for a few minutes before an early turn in. I have a busy, fun day planned.

I made the decision to go through with a suggested surgery in March, so it will entail a 6 week recovery this spring. The surgery is scheduled for March 16th.

LOve ya

The Guest House

Please enjoy one of my favorite poems by Rumi by clicking on the link below...it is worth it!

Rumi The Guest House

This last 2 weeks have felt very intense. So much transition, so much letting go, so much joy present to receive....and all of it, all at once. And as much as it is intense, I still am enjoying it very much, as I have come to understand that it is the stuff life is made of, and I am completely willing to believe that if I do lose the money I have in my home next week, then I am simply being swept out for a new arrival.

Have I told you lately that I love you? I do...

Letting Go Hurts...and it seems there has been so much of it

I am in the garage sorting through what is mostly left over and excess from downsizing over the last 4 years. I had to stop for a moment and come in the house and breathe. I am surprised how difficult it is and how I feel physical pain in my chest doing it. I have given so much away already and don't miss any of it, and so I expected that since I knew the truth of the process, this last small bit would be easier this time. Sadly, I'm finding not so. Much of it I have carried around, allowing it to sit in piles in garages and closets. Thankfully, my new home does not allow me to continue the clutter. I have made numerous trips to Goodwill and Deseret Industries and given away lots of furniture to friends and strangers. That part feels good...now if only there was someone standing at my door with arms open for what remains....

Dear Mr. President

It is with deep disappointment in the current administration and reserved, but optimistic hope that I anticipate the Inauguration next week. It can't be any worse. At least Obama seems to have his priorities more in line with my own. I love this song by Pink, which expresses my sentiments exactly....

Ch..Ch..Ch...Changes

"It is far more creative to work with the idea of mindfulness rather than the idea of will. Too often people try to change their lives by using will as a kind of hammer to beat their lives into proper shape. The intellect intellect identifies the goal of the program, and the will accordingly forces the life into that shape. This way of approaching the sacredness of one's own presence is externalistic and violent. It brings you falsely outside yourself, and you can spend years lost in the wilderness of your own mechanical programs. You can perish in a famine of your own making." John O'Donahue


This is the time of year everyone is focused on self-improvement. Last year at this time I too had a chosen destination to reach. Long story short...my soul had a different route to take me than the one I had planned. This one is slower, more deliberate, more joyful...but VERY, VERY slow. But I have come to see that all of my so-called detours are truly getting me there and when I finally DO get there, I will have learned so much more on the way, and truly have the internal strength to make it 'stick'.

My plan had me participating in a formal program. I did take the time to journey about whether I should participate, and received an affirmation, but after only 2 months it was clear it was the right time, but the wrong place. In confusion, I journeyed again, and what I was told challenged me and called me to the truth on so many uncomfortable levels. In a nutshell, I was told that indeed it was time to leave. When I inquired as to why I had received original direction to participate, now only to be told to quit, I was told, "That was the teaching and the lesson. Think back, my dear...way back. You don't know how to quit. Think back and remember. Remember all the times, all the things, all the people that you KNEW were not right for you and yet you wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave, wouldn't quit. So many reasons. Fear, embarrassment, avoiding confrontation, not wanting to disappoint. All the same non-action; for so many different reasons, but ALL because you don't know how to quit. Now is the time.

My mind kindly played me a movie of all the times I'd betrayed myself by staying as well as the way it felt to be in my body. I felt a pit in my stomach and I couldn't even imagine how to start the process of telling the workshop leader that I wasn't going to continue the one year program. THe biggest reason I had stayed as long as I had was that the program was almost not held because there was only 2 of us, so if I quit, then I felt like I was ending her chance to study too. I did quit. It wasn't easy and it wasn't especially pretty or smooth. I made a phone call to the teacher in which I didn't do very well at explaining myself and my reasoning, which left the door open for her to try to talk, almost beg me to staying through the end of the year, to which I did a horrible job holding to my truth and sort of said 'ok'. As soon as I hung up the phone I felt awful. I responded by sending a well written explanation which she graciously accepted.

The point of all of this is that as soon as it was done, it was like I crossed an invisiable threshold of divine help. All the willpower and desire to do all the things I really wanted to do, but wouldn't, for some reason, let myself. I began riding my bike to work and going to yoga to name a couple.

My resolution this year is to continue to be compassionate and kind to myself as I wish for you the accomplishment of all you hope for in your life, but in a kind and compassionate way...not a white knuckle approach.

"The Nativity" By John O'Donahue

This month marks the one year anniversary of the passing of one of my favorite poets. While it is difficult to choose a favorite, this is in the top 10. He is an amazing mystic and philosopher, as well as a poet. He says this also speaks of "New Beginnings" or the "Birth of Ourselves". I dedicate it at this time to my daughter, Courtney, whos body and soul are right in the thick of it.

'No man reaches where the moon touches a woman.
Even the moon leaves her when she opens
Deeper into the ripple in her womb
That encircles dark, to become flesh and bone.

Someone is coming ashore inside her,
A face deciphers itself from water,
And she curves around the gathering wave,
Opening to offer the life it craves.

In a corner stall of pilgrim strangers,
She falls and heaves, holding a tide of tears.
A red wire of pain feeds through every vein,
Until night unweaves and the child reaches dawn.

Outside each other now, she sees him first,
Flesh of her flesh, her dreamt son safe on earth.'

Maitri

Unconditional friendship with one's self...this is what captured my passion in 2008.

Mmmmmmmm

The last couple of evenings have been literally heavenly...except that I have not gone to the gym as I planned, but in support of myself I will say that I think I will benefit more from the quiet and the grounding I have received. I have read and written, but the best part has been being outside. I LOVE being outside and it is so nice to have it warm and dry enough to do it without suffering.

My backyard is on the north side of the house, so this strong southern wind only plays with my hair a little and brushes my cheek. I have been able to sit in the hot tub, warm and safe under the water and watch nature play with all of her many inhabitants. I am witness to the large trees waving warmly at me, their high brances dancing and playing amongst themselves. I feel among friends. I am amazed at the speed with which the clouds are passing...like a freeway of foam, small breaks allowing the pregnant moon to play peek a boo with me. She is so bright that it causes a small flash in the sky when she sppears. It makes me feel so alive. It's like I'm in the middle of a giant melodrama, but only an observer, turning the pages of a well-written play.

Thank you...

Song of 2008

I was sent a list of questions from one of my teachers as a practice in reviewing the last year of my life. ONe of the questions was...if you had to pick a song that represented the last year for you, what would that song be? I have been sitting with that question this week...tonight it came to me.

Here it is, followed by a brief, for me, explanation of why.




This song is representative because last year seemed like the end of a long journey, and in the end, it lead me right back where I started, back home, but this time, it is a joyfully inhabited heart. A heart with purpose and more compassion and depth. I have managed to shed many illusions about myself and about life in general. Part of the journey aspect has also been my travel to Ireland; truly the land of my soul. A place that surely I have lived and loved before and a place I will return, even if only my ashes, spread at Laugh Crew, on top of the Cairn, but also near the Hags Chair. Laura, who accompanied me on the trip, has been instructed, and money is set aside for her return trip to bring me back there when this journey, in this body is complete.

This journey home, to myself, feels complete. No more striving, no more second- guessing or discontent. Abiding peace and a deeper presence have taken their place. I have inhabited my solitude in a way that is deeply nourishing, rather than lonely...and I enjoy the company I keep there.

I have learned to accept the financial trials of the last few years in trust. I have grown to embrace my an aging body, while also learning to respect its limits and nurture my health in a kinder way.

And I ask you........what song would you choose to be your song of the year?