A Bite of Wisdom

"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."
Rilke

Saturday, February 21, 2009

My lightbulb for today

After a soul nourishing day like today I felt all back at home in my heart and present in my life in my 'usual', grateful way. I was also filled by time with my friend Jade. I was thinking about how my understanding of friendship has evolved through my friendship with him. I was recalling how much he used to piss me off and disappoint me with his 'flakiness' and 'selfishness'. I recalled how it had been a very long time since I had experienced a strong emotional reaction to anything he had said or done. I wondered within myself what was different because he had not changed in a profound way. I have noticed that he does tend to make fewer promises and yet when he does is is much more likely to keep them, but not perfect at it. So...why am I no longer reacting, I wondered?

In that moment I realized that my understanding of what having and being a friend had changed more than anything. I think I use to view my friends more from a place of what I got from them rather than what I wanted to offer them. It wasn't all about what I got, but I do think I kept some sort of unconscious track in a sort of tit for tat way and that there were often times that I really needed or expected something in the exchange...I wanted to be fed more than I wanted to feed. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times I need my friends or something from my friends but I have learned that if I need a specific something to come out and ask for it and other than that I mostly showed up just be present and enjoy the company of my friends without any expectation of what would transpire. Jade taught me this through pain but also example.

I remember in 2003 being in a time of adjustment and grief over an interaction with him. I was telling a woman of the disappointment and she said to me, "Oh, so you had an expectation, did you?" "Well, yes", I replied quite justified. "He said he was going to be this for me and do that for me so I had every right to be disappointed. He set the expectation. Not me.." "Well that's where you get into trouble...when you expect things from others." Honestly, I thought she was a total freak. I'd never heard such a concept. I realized though that I lived in all my relationship from a place of expectation. I had expectations of everyone. I began paying attention to this in myself. I experimented with what it was like to be in friendship with expectations and without and found that if I let go of expectations of others I was at peace most of the time. I'm not really sure how I did that, but I believe as we set an intention we can experience transformation and just by me saying I wanted to let go of expectation and being open to change, over time, it happened.

I focused more on providing for my own needs instead of always looking to others to fulfill them. I became more kind and compassionate with myself and that transformed into more kindness and compassion for others.

So today as I sat with this whole process within myself I realized that in giving myself permission to take care of myself first before diving in to take care of others I had much more to give to others in terms of my time and energy and my presence as well. So my light bulb moment today was that one major shift in letting go of expectation was that I now gave my friends permission in my mind and heart to take care of themselves before worrying about how I wanted them to take care of me and that my true desire is for their well being ahead of mine. I like my life so much better that way...it's like the proverbial story of the airlines instructing you to place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.

Today I found this video from one of my teachers that to me, illustrates the concept. The right and left hand do not compete or judge each other...they recognize their interconnectedness...and that is what my friends do for me; give me permission to be myself and do my thing and above all...they want what is best for me more than what is best for them.

Oriah, one of my favorite authers writes in her poem, "The Invitation" that someone is 'faithless and therefore trustworthy' and that many people, myself included read it as 'faithful' rather than 'faithless'. I have to admit being initially confused and changing the wording too. She goes on to explain that someone can 'disappoint another rather than betray themselves'. That was also a new concept at the time. But I have come to understand that the most trustworthy individuals are the ones who you can count on to tell you the truth, including what is in their own best interest and that the friendships I most enjoy are like that...I give you permission and expect that you will not overextend or betray yourself...enjoy


Saturday, February 14, 2009

On Love By Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

L'Chiam

L'Chiam...the phrase the Jewish poeple shout as they raise their glasses in the air, toasting "to life". Racheal Naomi Ramen was told by her grandfather that it means that no matter what difficulty life brings, no matter how hard or painful or unfair life is, life is holy and worthy of celebrating.

I feel this in my own life now...as I come down and out of a 3 year journey trying to return my life to what it was before, both financially and physically. It ended up being as futile as trying to catch water as it ran through my fingers.

Life isn't like that. It's always changing. I knew that before, but now more deeply. Life is very much like water; ever moving, capable of multiple forms of being depending on where it finds itself.

I knew I was holding on, grasping, not letting go, but it was as if I couldn't help myself. It took a very, very long time to accept that what was would never be again.

I did celebrate throughout, but looking back, underneath there was always a certain level of grasping. I don't judge myself for it, but I do acknowledge it's presence in the process and hope that next time, simply having met and lived with it before, I can make a different choice.

Today I sit with an underlying restlessness. Feels a lot like boredom. But I know it is more. We have the arrival of the full moon next Monday, the 9th, and last night she started creeping into my bones. It is her doing, this charged, rending energy that feels as if it could overpower me, and because I've had it happen before I'm not looking forward. She did it to me last February and it felt like a madness, really. I could hardly breath, hardly sit still. So, this time I'll do yoga and breathe and see what comes out the other side.

And, I will offer a loud "L'Chiam" as I do so. Because I do bless life, which is about celebrating, rather than trying to fix. Racheal also says,

"Life offers it's wisdom generously. Everything teaches. Not everyone learns. Life asks us the same thing, "Stay awake. Pay attention". But paying attention is no simple matter. It requires us not to be distracted by expectations, past experiences, labels and masks. It asks that we not jump to early conclusions and that those who have courage to imbrace life without judgment and are willing to not know, sometimes for a long time. It requires us to be more fully and simply alive than we have been taught to be. It may require us to suffer. But ultimately we will be more than we were when we began."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Stepping on New Ground

I think the phrase 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life' is sort of over-dramatic, yet those were the words that kept floating through my head yesterday. For me, Friday was a day of clarity and acceptance. Many of my friends and family held me in prayer and practice last week as I navigated the ending of the journey of the last 3 years, and struggled with how much to intervene and how much to let go, and what actions to take, if any.

Last fall, after doing all I could to work with the bank holding my mortgage (even though I owned more of it than they did), I was prepared to write a check allowing me to get current on my past due balance from the funds I received to re-imburse me for some of my living expept. I was not sure how I would manage the larger new payment, due to the restucturing, but I was prepared to do whatever it took not to let the bank take away my life savings...even going back to working 2 jobs and finding new homes for my dogs so I could move into an apartment. I had called the law firm to get the exact balance needed and had the pen out and the check book open when I had one of the most profound messages from Spirit to date. It was like an unseen hand grabbed the top of mine as I held the pen over the check and I heard the words..."Not one more day. Not one more dollar. No more energy. Move on." I did not write the check at that time and I spent the next week trying to make sense of that message and come to terms with the likely outcome of following the advice. Thanks to the help of a few close friends who bring years of personal integrity and wisdom to my table, I received the confimation and courage to not get current and walk away completely from the situation that had consumed my life for going on 3 years. While I did not know why this guidance was being given exactly, I had received some pretty illogical guidance in years past, and following it had always proved wise, that place within me knew that I didn't have to know...I just needed to act on it in faith and maybe someday I would know...or not

Several weeks later my ex-neighbor John shared with me that he had heard on NPR of a non-profit, HUD funded agency that had confirmed with him that not only could they help me, but it was their expertise. I wondered if perhaps it was best to open the can of worms again but decided it wouldn't hurt to meet with them only because it was a free service and I wouldn't have to do anything. After taking my information, the HUD counselor told me he would have no problem not only stopping the foreclosure, but also fixing my credit. I walked away with what I thought was an open mind with no attachement to what happened...and besides at that point, we had over 3 months.

I realized during the holidays that the date for foreclosure was now fast approaching so at the new year I began trying to get in touch with the man. No phone calls or emails were returned in the first 2 weeks, so I finally called the man's boss, thinking that perhaps he was no longer working there. I was assured he did and the next day he called but couldn't find my file or remember anything about the case. I was concerned, but remained a squeeky wheel, hoping that would help. In the end, the sheer number of foreclosures in today's market caused my case to fall through the cracks not only at my bank, but in the agency who in less frenetic times would have been able to solve this large misunderstanding. I freely admit to near panic during the last 2 weeks, mostly because of the senslessness of it all.

Thanks to the prayers and wisdom of many, I spent the last week of this experience mostly in quiet peace as I made the final phone calls and emails that my mind and heart felt were necessary so that SOMEDAY I could look back and know I had done all I could. My inner experience last week was one of feeling a colorful, peaceful veil being pulled over my eyes and mind around the situation. It was as though I was not being allowed to see or think in the direction of the past and my heart soared at the thought of no longer having to deal with any of it anymore. I was reminded of the still unspent money I still had and I was lead to look online a little at what was for sale and how much things were costing to buy and rent and I realized that if I ever decided to buy again, prices were significantly lower...good news as well.

My final phone call to Wells Fargo, as well as my attendence at an HOA meeting Thursday only solidified the absolute wisdom of moving on and away in every way. Letting Wells Fargo have the broken home they refused to wait on seemed like ultimate justice rather than a victimization.

As I sat in Circle with many wise women yesterday in meditation I had a glorious teaching from Spirit. I was reminded of a significant shaminic journey I'd had a couple of years ago where I had been shown that I was supposed to go to a new place, which was represented by a far off island. I had inquired what it was and was only told, "That's where you are going." I answered sort of smuggly and sarcastically, "Well, how I am going to get there?" The answer was, Well, the first thing you need to know is that in order to get there, I would first have to leave 'here'. At that time, that was too tall an order for me in every way and I shrunk back from a new life and brushed it off, chosing to cling to what I was so desperately trying to preserve of my old life. But I never forgot the journey and that is the great thing about dreams...they wait for you.

It wasn't until last summer, after letting go of the home, that I finally traveled back to that place with Spirit and willingly volunteered to "Go there". I said that I didn't know where it was, or what it looked like, but I was here now and that I was willing to leave where I was.

What followed was a readiness to pursue some areas of service that had been calling to me and now that I had the energy and time of not dealing with the lawsuit I started in. Those projects and programs are now well in the works and I felt 'on the way'....

With the memory of the journey and the heeding of it's call in my mind I was shown that island (which represents where I'm going) and told that today was a day for letting go and that tomorrow, which I was reminded was the beginning of a whole new month, was the beginning of a new life. An adventure to 'there'. And that before I rose from bed tomorrow I was to journey to that beach and put my foot on the sand and walk up on the beach until I no longer had water at my feet and to just look round. Tears flowed with both sorrow and joy over an ending I thought would never come, and here I was, in this moment, livng my worst fear...and it was all ok. I was still here. I was certainly still breathing and it wasn't nearly as painful as I'd imagined. I heard very distinctly the words, "Where you're going, you don't even need that house. It is simply unnecessary." I was also crying tears of gratitude for my connection to Spirit and it's unwavering guidance.

I did journey to that beach this morning...it was warm and sunny and just being there makes me smile. Just thinking of it now makes me smile...

And that is all I know...and it IS enough. And so it is.

Amen Sister!

At Bodhisattva yesterday Teri shared a quote that I totally LOVED...I share it with you now.

"Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force." Dorthy Sayers

Aho! ("All my relations")