A Bite of Wisdom

"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."
Rilke

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Gifts from the Sea

I was able to go to the beach this Fall with some girlfriends. They mostly scrapbooked and I mostly read. We all talked and laughed and ate and shared. We had an ocean-front home and I was in heaven listening to the waves crashing. I couldn't wait to get out there and walk. I was in the middle of reading the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" so I stuffed it in my pocket in case my walk called for a time to sit down and read or rest. Little did I know that one of my sweetest, most coveted gifts was about to be bestowed, or maybe only realized.

It was a sunny, warm November day and I soaked it all in, knowing it may be the last for the season. The sound of the surf, the sight of the water moving over and around the rocks, the presence of the people, alone and in groups warmed my heart. I can't put my finger on it, but the beach appears to cast a magical spell on people. I saw it on their faces and felt it within myself as we shared the same strip of sand.

I found myself in a spontaneous cyle of walking and reading, enjoying both equally. During what turned out to be my final reading stop, I finished a chapter and as I lifted my head to take in the water...it happened. The words of my intention from my time at Vision Quest rushed, word for word, into my mind and I had the realization that I had received all that I had asked for.

I can't honestly say if it had been slowly seeping into my marrow over time, or was lovingly bestowed in that moment. But it was tangibly there in my body and soul. It was cellular and I cried with the realization of it's deep presencewithin me and the completeness I felt with it there. And it has not left me since. Much of what was healed was around the fatigue brought on by 2 tiring years, but really, it originated in my soul, only brought to the surface by my life as it unfolded. I have felt pulled toward another area of service in my life, and although I climbed to my quest site not having a clear picture of it, I knew I didn't have the energy and drive to do it myself.

Michelle, my teacher, had said our lives would never be the same, but the heretic within me really wondered at her words. As we stood in a circle, at the base of the hill, ready for 3 days on our own without food, and for me, little water and no artificial light, she told us to look around at eachother. She told us that this would be the last time we would be these people.

What happened on that hill was magical and sacred, yet profoundly simple as well. Some of it makes no sense to my logical mind, but my spirit was opening and I could feel it. The details of my time belong only to myself and a small circle of trusted friends. Although I didn't necessarily FEEL any difference when I came down, I knew the time had been sacred and intensely altering on some unforseen level. But things have certainly changed since coming home, for all of us. It isn't that I am living a new life. I am still working 2 jobs and still live in the same temporary home, but I am living the life that I have been given in a new way, perhaps intangible to those around me.

The things I asked to receive from that time alone begin manifesting within weeks of coming home. It started with the sale of my cabin, which had sat on the market for over 18 months. While nothing I asked for was on the material plane, it has been changes on the material plane that have opened the room in my life and my heart for the inner changes I asked for. I am being completely supported and cared for each day in a new way.

After sitting in gratitude for some time, I rose to my feet to head back to the house. The previous night had been windy and rainy, so the ocean had left the beach scattered with a miriad of treasures.

I had only walked about 10 feet when a small floating ball of seaweed with a large crack in it caught my eye. I picked it up and heard the words, "You know, all those times you felt broken? You were never really broken, you were just being opened."

As I continued my trek home, I kept being taught. I noticed a stone, carved deeply by years of water running over, and now through it. "Let life shape you. Don't fight it, let it mold you."

An unbroken floater seaweed; "Just float. Don't try to control your course. You'll end up right where you belong."

Another rock, housing many small shells, "Let others live within the safety of your home. Be a safe haven for others to rest."

An opened shell, shiny like abalone on the inside,"Let your inner light show."

By the time I got to the house, my hands were full. I didn't want to forget a single lesson, so I carried each until I could rest them safely on the table to write down later.

While what I specifically asked for and received that day, is sacred to me, I will share that it has given me what I needed to move into living more powerfully and peacefully, a beautiful, joyful life, no matter what happens around me. And that it is in nature that I can always go to get everything I need to do and be all that life asks of me.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

REAL life stuff

Wow, life has surely picked up the pace this week. Right now there are clothes to fold and vacuuming to do, but I will take some time for me and be with inspiration for awhile. A small gift for myself on a very ordinary day (although we may go see a movie this afternoon). For me, writing is one way I tap into time with the Beloved. It's an effortless way to hear not only my voice, but that higher voice that brings me peace. I find it in meditation as well, but I seem to need both. It makes me appreciate the ebb and flow and rhythm life naturally brings. I had plenty of time on the couch nursing my knee injury over the holiday break (not by choice) and the kids were with their dad, so the dish and laundry duty was down to almost nothing. It gave me the time to bask in thought and inspiration. Whether I like it or not, it's back to life as normal despite less than a full recovery. I almost don't remember not being in pain anymore. There was a teaching there for me....for the first time in my life, learning to relax into rather than resist pain. I spent several days in resistance and anger about it, and got sick of the emotional feeling; the sense of desperation and tension got old as I realized it wasn't going away quickly. There was also fear as I have watched my mother struggle with painful arthritic knees for so long and I wasn't ready OR willing to walk that path.

Thankfully, the warrior in me made a turn on New Year's Eve. I had planned on joining my Ecstatic dance friends to dance in the new year, but couldn't imagine how that was possible considering my condition. I had a phone conversation where I considered my options with my friend Peter and told him I needed to sit with it and call him back. As soon as I put the phone down, I felt it. I call it my "Phoenix Rising", cause I have no other analogy. It's energetic and it rises up through my core unconsciously. During some of the struggles of my life I have wished it away, wondering WHY I cannot be like others and pull the covers over my head and let the calvary rush in and save me from the pain and work required in the circumstance. My Human Design Study would 'blame' it on the '3' in my profile. A '3' is here to learn by trial and error and 'bumping into' the next right thing, but in the process there is the downside of the bell curve, and with that comes built-in courage and strength. So there you go....

It didn't take but a minute after putting down the phone and I felt it. Next thing I know, I'm on my feet and ready to defy the odds. I call Peter, declaring my intention to do my best to dance my way into 2008; that I would stay until the pain got too bad or 12:30am came, with no promise for which would come first. So, I did it. I danced through the pain and inspite of it. I was actually amazed at the movmements I was able to do in light of the mobility of my body in the previous days. But I enjoyed every second for sure. I found it didn't matter what I was doing, I hurt, so I may as well enjoy myself. Dancing is my way to connect with the kid in me, who really didn't allow herself much of a childhood when she had the chance. And after years of dancing in the traditional, cultural sense of standing there waiting to be noticed and invited, feeling pretty damn invisable 99% of the time, then when I did dance it was some controlled, socially normal thing. I think I like Ecstatic cause even though you are sharing the floor with many, you are mostly there by and for yourself. It is only about allowing your body to move and be the vehicle to express your emotions, although lately I feel my body taking the helm and unwinding years of physical holdings in deep places, which is cool.

So, today I'll rise and dance through the laundry and dishes, I guess?

I was given an invitation last weekend (through my Shaman Sister Sandy) to go to Ireland with a woman I heard speak years ago, and I really was impressed with. If you want to know more about her, go to www.triplespiral.info. Laura and I had seen the movie "PS, I love you" over break and I had really soaked in the beauty of Ireland during the movie, perhaps even craving it. Sometimes a place comes in front of me and I just KNOW I am supposed to go there. It happened with Heartwood in 2003, and it was one of the greatest gifts in my life. It was where I woke up and got reacquanted with myself and my connection to the earth. The first time I heard nature's voice (in decades) and remembered the sacred nature of myself and all beings. I also met one of my best friends in the world, Shoshana. And she has been there for me in a way that no one else could have, even though we are far away from eachother in miles, I feel her love and support. I can say anything to her and I know I will still be loved and accepted. So, here I am with another place I'm supposed to go and I anxiously await what is ahead. I am also getting the gift of bringing Laura along with me. And the fact that she is excited to go, makes it even better. I have the feeling that this trip is in some way important for her spiritually, and I wouldn't be surprised if by next year at this time, she wouldn't be caught dead with me for that long alone. My dear friend Trish, who was my supporter at Vision Quest last summer is also going. We will tour many of the ancient, spiritual sites of the country. Laura will turn 12 during the trip, actually the night of a 24 hour spiritual retreat. And what better way than with 20 other highly conscious, crazy women to welcome her into the Clan of being a Woman? So we are busy getting passports and all that! Amber was invited, but feels it's too close to her graduation, so she will be in our thoughts and will take great care of the dogs, I'm sure. And proabably LOVE having us out of the house.........

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Relax.....

The cloud does not insist upon it's form,
The wave does not force it's way over the ocean,
So why should you clutch so tightly your little map?

Follow your heart
And know joy in all things.
The path of freedom
has no markers,
Yet leads to fulfillment;
The path of confusion
Is crowded with signs,
Pointing in different directions.

The Great Way is a humble, solitary path
Leading home;
Follow it closely and be guided.
How do you know you are on the Way?

When your map no longer serves you.

Havin Travino, "The Tao of Healing"

Friday, January 4, 2008

Trusting 'Injustice'

When it comes to the course of our lives, most of us have a picture in our mind about how we think things are supposed to go or how ourselves and others are supposed to act/look/behave etc. Whether that image is formed by the words/promises of another, our historical experience, or some imagined timeline or image we've made up based mostly on our own desires springing from impatience, aversion, addiction, attachment, personal preference, etc.

Lately I've been resting in the idea of how often we suffer because of this principle. I know for me, it's the only cause of mental suffering. Hence the Buddhist teaching that "All suffering comes from attachment". I am going to start paying attention to how often my conversations with others (and myself) take the form of discussing THE PAST (whether my own or others) and griping/judging it or them vs. THE FUTURE and my perceived "plans" for it and my expectations of myself and others vs. THE PRESENT and sharing being fully present and expressing my contentment in my life as it is. It's impossible to be ONLY in the present, but if I am going to be in the past, I would like to have my focus to be on seeing the perfection in the way things went (which is easier with 20/20 hindsight), and my expression of the future to be in affirmative statements of faith that there is something bigger and wiser; that even in the chaos, there is perfect order.

Haven't we all had the experience of going through something "awful" and later being thankful for it? This became a personal quest of mine in the early 90's. One of my favorite songs at the time was Amy Grant's "My Father's Eyes". In the song, she says that at the end of her life, what she wants, is to have the "Eyes of The Father"...as in God. She describes that as:

"Eyes that find the good in things, when good is not around. Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found. Eyes full of compassion seeing everything...".

For some reason my soul grabbed those words like a hungry puppy....and I was off to the races. That became my hearts desire, and probably marked the beginning of my very personal quest to know "God". I wanted to see my life, and life around me, through the eyes of God, or as God saw them. I wasn't content to learn second hand from books, or take things solely on the word of others experiences. I wanted a new, pair of glasses...celestial ones!

Well, be careful what you ask for, kids. Although I wouldn't take it back for anything. My life truly became the lesson manual for the class I asked to take. Life is "funny" that way, huh? Although it took a few years to really be able to smile at God's sense of humor.

First semester schedule: Cancer 301 (I'd say 101, but I don't believe there is an entry level course in that curriculum. It's a graduate program in all your worst fears and a "LAB" in physical endurance. Once I got over the shock and grief of the diagnosis and the weeks of diagnostic testing, I settled in to 'the class' curriculum. And what a book it was to crack open. What do they call that? An immersion course? Maybe even 'study abroad'. It seemed I'd been transplanted to a foreign land. Nothing looked the same, felt the same, and certainly everyone around me was acting different...and I'm sure I looked at them, and acted differently as well. Talk about having a new set of eyes! Sleep was my only repreve. I took much solace in my continued study of scripture, and especially the writings of Joseph Smith early in his ministry of setting up the church he felt God had asked him to establish. Much of his life consisted of hiding for his safety, tarring and feathering, and other torture and harrassment. He was away from his wife and children A LOT and at risk of death every day.

If you had asked me at 29 to name my 3 worst fears, I would have told you (greatest fear first):

1. Dying young and not being able to raise my children
2. Being alone
3. Loss of financial security

Fascinating...Thanks, God! Let's not waste any time here, huh? Happy 30th Birthday!

Side Bar: In the 12 years following #1, both #2 and #3 have shown up to be conquered. Talk about the law of attraction in action.

So, one day I was reading in a book of scripture called the D&C (and no, it has no gynecological correlation), Joseph is writing of his present difficult circumstances, when what I read spoke to my heart so deeply that even thinking about it today, I can relive the exact sensory experience. It was one of those few in a lifetime moments, when time stands still. Like a gentle, but life-saving landing back into my heart. There is always a definite 'thud' when I touch down, but the ride through my mind is over and I'm home where I belong once again in a world that makes perfect sense. He writes:

"As for the perils I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life, and for what cause it seems mysterious...Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all things, whether it be good or bad...It all has become a second nature to me, and I feel like Paul (he's speaking of the apostle Paul from the New Testament) to GLORY IN TRIBULATION."

I was in awe. I couldn't imagine that was possible. At least I had never personally experienced it, but in that moment..it became my purpose in the illness I knew could take my life. I wanted to learn to BE that". I wanted to learn to be in glory, especially in the middle of it. Not just when it was over and I was well....if I got well. I was willing to peel off the label of this illness as 'bad' and see the 'good' it had to offer, REGARDLESS of the outcome. I wanted to FEEL like Paul and Joseph in the midst of this tribulation.

Life brings us so many opportunities to experience trust in percieved injustice; whether from others or just as circumstance. And it is so human of us to rail against it, as if we know better.

One of my favorite quotes, although I cannot recall the source, is:

"How do you know that something is God's Will? Because it happened."

While there are many different versions of 'God' and the role of 'God' in our lives, perhaps all believers could agree that regardless of the specifics within each belief, that this power is ultimately capable of making anything happen or stop it from happening, and that surely there are no mistakes in the realm of the path events take....just opportunities for growth, learning, and a chance to get a HIGHER PERSPECTIVE within the course of events. Do we really believe, as we sometimes act, that God uses the word "oooppps"? Is it possible that there is perfection in a situation, even when it doesn't follow 'the plan' as we set it up in our minds?

For some reason, this illness had shattered my belief in 'my will' having anything to do with the ultimate outcome. Suddenly I knew very clearly that it didn't matter what I wanted. I knew it could be 'my time', and if it was, no amount of begging or pleading would change it. I felt compelled to find a way to live in peace no matter what happened; maybe only because I didn't know how much more fear I could tolerate....

One big shift that happened was the way I prayed. I came to see that for years I had prayed as if I believed that God needed my input, and with the arrogance that my version of how things should go might actually be better than what was currently going on.

I laughed at the naivety that often spurned my prayers, as I realized one day that it was silly of me to think that I could propose something to God, whether in a request, a plea, or a demand, that would actually cause God to say,

"You know, that's not a bad idea. Why didn't I think of that."

While I don't think there was anything innately 'wrong' with my requests, I became acutely aware that I could ask for whatever I wanted, but in reality, I didn't see the BIG picture, and perhaps, if I did, it might change what I asked for. So, it made perfect sense in that moment, that there might be a better way. A more peaceful existence than waiting, hoping and begging for my outcome to happen, although I do admit to bargaining early on. Rather than let my mind make a picture and then asking God to paint it, I might have more peace and joy in my life if I simply asked God if I could see the painting already being created. Or, better yet, keep quiet and ask for the peace and wisdom not to interfere until it's done and just be grateful for each day as it was showing up. It would be like insisting on the use of more green and blue paint, when it was actually meant to be a desert scene. And deserts have their own beauty.

So, from that day forward, I quit asking. Well, in actuality, I changed what I asked for. Rather than asking for outcomes, I asked for peace and perspective and wisdom....and tried to express thanks for the blessings I was trying so hard to see. I KNEW that I, little old soul that I was, had no idea what was 'best', and that perhaps if I just gave up my personal expectations, I'd end up enjoying the end product as well as the creation process. Easier said than done...BUT, well worth it. Talk about abiding in peace!

To give the alternative view an equal voice, let's say that there is no "God". Then it all becomes a crap shoot anyway, and therefore, why worry and fret and try to control things and get be angry and afraid? If none of that will change things? Perhaps letting go is the only real way to peace, no matter what you believe, or don't believe in?

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

I have a confession..I'm in love!

With words....So, It came to my utmost attention a couple of years ago yet another way that I am very different than most of society.......and perhaps it explains my lack of a romantic relationship (with a man). True confessions time: I have been deeply committed and involved in a love affair with words. It's not just some fleeting crush that comes and goes, however, I could be accused of being fickle as I swim and soak daily in one persons words, only to take off running to someone else when I find something of theirs that makes my head and heart swoon. I collect them like a squirrel collects nuts in the fall; hording my favorite juicy ones for some special time when I need their nourishment to sustain me. I feel out of sorts when I don't spend some amount of time in their presence daily and have even been made fun of for even reading fiction with a highlighter in hand, to which I defiantly defend, "But what if I need to find that one part again?" If I remember correctly, it started in 1993 with a book about the life of Benjamin Franklin entitled, "The Art of Virtue", followed closely by "Return to Love", by Marriane Williamson and many of the writings of Neal A. Maxwell. I've shared my bed with many authors, but probably had my most intense, longest lasting affair with Wayne Dyer. He expanded my mind and spirit and made me rethink most of my existing paradigms and Thomas Moore seemed to be writing just for me, and helped me understand the deep complexities of life and love, and my deepest inner workings, except for the fact that he often loses me when he spends too much time using Greek Mythology as a metaphor. I have to admit to being pretty naive when it comes to those tales and the timeless lessons they present and represent, although when I have managed to work my way through an entire analogy, I can see the relavance, but it doesn't feed me. Kind of like toast with no jam. I won't bore you with my entire history with words, but perhaps it is that history that has made me who I am today; like it or not. My latest crushes are Andrew Harvey and Elizabeth Gilbert. Perhaps I should think about reading less and dating more? Not so sure...but I guess I might be able to say I'm doing my part to "Keep Portland Weird"