There I Go Again

The past few months have been different financially. Let's just say I'm adjusting. Feel mostly caught between a rock and a hard place. I made an honest attempt to work less hours this Spring and the balance it brought was healing and helpful in so many ways, but in a matter of a couple of months it was obvious ends would not be able to meet. I cut back in areas I could without it being stressful and then begin a process I have done to myself as long as I can remember...a mostly harsh and inflexible talk with myself that wreaks with self-judgment with a mix of "what's wrong with you...you have it so much better than so many others...you must just be lazy...who do you think you are to think you should only have to work 3-4 days a week. The rest of the world has to do 5 and so just get off your pity stick and go make some money"...it goes on from there, but I will spare you the details.

Here I am a month or so later...living with my decision and I feel my life has lost all balance. I am stressed, exhausted, eating to comfort myself and give me the energy to get going and keep going. My previous months of weight loss and a high raw diet I must have dropped somewhere along the roadside as I was forcing myself out the door or driving home hurting and resentful.

As I contemplated my future as a single parent over 10 years ago, most of the territory was a mystery, but two things I knew for sure were...I would need to be self-supporting in a few years and that if I had to do more than 3 days of dental hygiene on a regular basis I would go insane. That awareness was the motivation for the search that lead me to massage school. I figured I'd do both and it would give me balance. I was blessed at one point to even be able to do massage from home full-time for awhile. That was a dream come true. Circumstances changed in 2006, but little did I know I was heading for the future I was trying to avoid. I'm now living it....I'm not happy. I'm tired. My body is suffering. I'm not really left with the choice to add massage thereapy back into the world of production as Dental Hygiene has ruined my right thumb and the economy has hit the massage industry hard.

I've done the numbers...over and over. My choices seem to come down to a crazy reality...the main way to save money monthly would be to move to a cheaper place to live...but that is not possible with the dogs, who need a yard and those that even take dogs are about the same price I pay here. I've asked the universe several times to send me someone to share housing with...hasn't happened. I've explored the possibility of getting rid of my four-leggeds. It's not going to happen. They are my babies and I cannot give them away. I'm still open to the house-sharing idea, but it hasn't shown up. I've gotten rid of cable, cut back to minimum phone, could save some on groceries if I cut coupons and quite buying organic and raw, but I can no longer even find anything at Winco that I can put in my mouth considering my food sensitivities...and health is priceless. I do love where I live...the neighborhood, the yard, the location, the floorplan (would love an extra bedroom and a little more floor space, but 350 days a year it is perfect. I do eat out a couple of times a week, but even if i quit that and ate at home I would save about $100 a month at the most...that is saves me less than 3 hours of work a month...not significant. I have no debts except monthly living expenses...utilities, and rent. My car is paid for and insurance is only about $50/month. In order to have a work schedule that does not ruin my body and make me feel crazy my monthly expenses need to go down by at least $1000. If I could share housing that would save at least $500, maybe more. If I gave up my car that would be maybe $150 between insurance and gas...but a bus pass is over $80, so really...it's only a less than $100 savings. I could limit Laura to one dinner a night and limit snacks(seriously that kid eats like a teenage boy) and I bet I'd save $200 by becoming a kitchen Nazi. Dog food and grooming and Vet...that is a conservative estimate of $100, with health. But like I said, Laura and the dogs are my kids...I could get rid of my cell phone. That is $45/month. I don't use it that much anymore without my massage business. I've considered it. Maybe just go to an emergency only type of phone...less than $100 minutes might cost half that. With a teenager to keep track of, it feels risky...After considering all the possibilities I realized I just needed to get realistic and work a 'normal' work week and it would all be fine...wimp that I am....But now all I am is a tired, miserable, gaining weight slave. I compassionately remind myself that I am a Projector...not here to work...but to use my mind and be a guide to others...but does that pay the bills?

I did attempt to solve the work schedule by lobbying to work Fridays instead of Wednesdays, my logic being that a day off during the week would give me the rest and balance I needed. It seemed the perfect solution, until the Friday doctor cut his days and hours.

I have no epiphany...no words of wisdom to end this all. I feel increasingly envious of friends who have spouses that allow them to stay home with children or have other means of support. It's not that I don't want to work at all. It's just that I can't do THIS particular job more than 3-4 days without serious repercussions short and long term. I find that when I have to work the 4 and/or 5th day I am so tired and burned out there is no desire or energy to be productive or play on the home front. And even with the extra work, some or the things I'd like to enjoy I cannot afford...a weekend at Breitenbush...a massage....I do still get a pedicure about every 6 weeks. I do have someone mow my yard and clean my house; something I was going to give up if it meant being able to work less, but again, it costs me less than 2 hours of working to pay her to do 6 hours of work a month...and it would take me that long at least. That is a luxury that can go and would go...if I knew I could make ends meet on 3-3.5 days a week. It also costs me less than 2 hrs to make the money to pay the yard guy....so I am spending one half day out of the month earning that money.

I am aware I sound like a spoiled baby...wah, wah, wah. That is not my intention. I am thinking out loud more than anything. There were 2 changes that are making it tough to make ends meet. First, am not receiving more than a few hundred in support anymore and second, since not owning a home or being self-employed taxes are eating me frickin' alive...seriously. I could make it on the lesser work hours if I didn't have to pay Uncle Sam. That extra day a week is just to pay taxes. I must have fallen over some invisable line and I lost the earned income tax credit and suddenly I am hurled into the 30% tax bracket where before, I hadn't paid federal taxes in over 5 yrs and now they want almost a third. I'll shut up now. This makes me sound and look very unattractive and whiney....

I am supposed to spend this weekend calling in the solution...and I feel to tired to even participate in the process today. I did manage to do a little toward that end, but am not participating in the process like I planned. I just want a nap and the world to go away.