My lightbulb for today

After a soul nourishing day like today I felt all back at home in my heart and present in my life in my 'usual', grateful way. I was also filled by time with my friend Jade. I was thinking about how my understanding of friendship has evolved through my friendship with him. I was recalling how much he used to piss me off and disappoint me with his 'flakiness' and 'selfishness'. I recalled how it had been a very long time since I had experienced a strong emotional reaction to anything he had said or done. I wondered within myself what was different because he had not changed in a profound way. I have noticed that he does tend to make fewer promises and yet when he does is is much more likely to keep them, but not perfect at it. So...why am I no longer reacting, I wondered?

In that moment I realized that my understanding of what having and being a friend had changed more than anything. I think I use to view my friends more from a place of what I got from them rather than what I wanted to offer them. It wasn't all about what I got, but I do think I kept some sort of unconscious track in a sort of tit for tat way and that there were often times that I really needed or expected something in the exchange...I wanted to be fed more than I wanted to feed. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times I need my friends or something from my friends but I have learned that if I need a specific something to come out and ask for it and other than that I mostly showed up just be present and enjoy the company of my friends without any expectation of what would transpire. Jade taught me this through pain but also example.

I remember in 2003 being in a time of adjustment and grief over an interaction with him. I was telling a woman of the disappointment and she said to me, "Oh, so you had an expectation, did you?" "Well, yes", I replied quite justified. "He said he was going to be this for me and do that for me so I had every right to be disappointed. He set the expectation. Not me.." "Well that's where you get into trouble...when you expect things from others." Honestly, I thought she was a total freak. I'd never heard such a concept. I realized though that I lived in all my relationship from a place of expectation. I had expectations of everyone. I began paying attention to this in myself. I experimented with what it was like to be in friendship with expectations and without and found that if I let go of expectations of others I was at peace most of the time. I'm not really sure how I did that, but I believe as we set an intention we can experience transformation and just by me saying I wanted to let go of expectation and being open to change, over time, it happened.

I focused more on providing for my own needs instead of always looking to others to fulfill them. I became more kind and compassionate with myself and that transformed into more kindness and compassion for others.

So today as I sat with this whole process within myself I realized that in giving myself permission to take care of myself first before diving in to take care of others I had much more to give to others in terms of my time and energy and my presence as well. So my light bulb moment today was that one major shift in letting go of expectation was that I now gave my friends permission in my mind and heart to take care of themselves before worrying about how I wanted them to take care of me and that my true desire is for their well being ahead of mine. I like my life so much better that way...it's like the proverbial story of the airlines instructing you to place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.

Today I found this video from one of my teachers that to me, illustrates the concept. The right and left hand do not compete or judge each other...they recognize their interconnectedness...and that is what my friends do for me; give me permission to be myself and do my thing and above all...they want what is best for me more than what is best for them.

Oriah, one of my favorite authers writes in her poem, "The Invitation" that someone is 'faithless and therefore trustworthy' and that many people, myself included read it as 'faithful' rather than 'faithless'. I have to admit being initially confused and changing the wording too. She goes on to explain that someone can 'disappoint another rather than betray themselves'. That was also a new concept at the time. But I have come to understand that the most trustworthy individuals are the ones who you can count on to tell you the truth, including what is in their own best interest and that the friendships I most enjoy are like that...I give you permission and expect that you will not overextend or betray yourself...enjoy