Ch..Ch..Ch...Changes

"It is far more creative to work with the idea of mindfulness rather than the idea of will. Too often people try to change their lives by using will as a kind of hammer to beat their lives into proper shape. The intellect intellect identifies the goal of the program, and the will accordingly forces the life into that shape. This way of approaching the sacredness of one's own presence is externalistic and violent. It brings you falsely outside yourself, and you can spend years lost in the wilderness of your own mechanical programs. You can perish in a famine of your own making." John O'Donahue


This is the time of year everyone is focused on self-improvement. Last year at this time I too had a chosen destination to reach. Long story short...my soul had a different route to take me than the one I had planned. This one is slower, more deliberate, more joyful...but VERY, VERY slow. But I have come to see that all of my so-called detours are truly getting me there and when I finally DO get there, I will have learned so much more on the way, and truly have the internal strength to make it 'stick'.

My plan had me participating in a formal program. I did take the time to journey about whether I should participate, and received an affirmation, but after only 2 months it was clear it was the right time, but the wrong place. In confusion, I journeyed again, and what I was told challenged me and called me to the truth on so many uncomfortable levels. In a nutshell, I was told that indeed it was time to leave. When I inquired as to why I had received original direction to participate, now only to be told to quit, I was told, "That was the teaching and the lesson. Think back, my dear...way back. You don't know how to quit. Think back and remember. Remember all the times, all the things, all the people that you KNEW were not right for you and yet you wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave, wouldn't quit. So many reasons. Fear, embarrassment, avoiding confrontation, not wanting to disappoint. All the same non-action; for so many different reasons, but ALL because you don't know how to quit. Now is the time.

My mind kindly played me a movie of all the times I'd betrayed myself by staying as well as the way it felt to be in my body. I felt a pit in my stomach and I couldn't even imagine how to start the process of telling the workshop leader that I wasn't going to continue the one year program. THe biggest reason I had stayed as long as I had was that the program was almost not held because there was only 2 of us, so if I quit, then I felt like I was ending her chance to study too. I did quit. It wasn't easy and it wasn't especially pretty or smooth. I made a phone call to the teacher in which I didn't do very well at explaining myself and my reasoning, which left the door open for her to try to talk, almost beg me to staying through the end of the year, to which I did a horrible job holding to my truth and sort of said 'ok'. As soon as I hung up the phone I felt awful. I responded by sending a well written explanation which she graciously accepted.

The point of all of this is that as soon as it was done, it was like I crossed an invisiable threshold of divine help. All the willpower and desire to do all the things I really wanted to do, but wouldn't, for some reason, let myself. I began riding my bike to work and going to yoga to name a couple.

My resolution this year is to continue to be compassionate and kind to myself as I wish for you the accomplishment of all you hope for in your life, but in a kind and compassionate way...not a white knuckle approach.