More Mary Oliver

"The Journey"

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
through their melancholy
was terrible
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Commentary:
It is always a comfort to read or hear another's personal tale that mirrors my own internal experience; makes me a little less sure I am insane :).

I was thinking the other day, after reading about Buddhism being nontheistic, and mentally recounting the evolution of my own beliefs. Although ultimately I have realized that I cannot really say what I believe to be 'true', as life continues to show me new and bigger ways of seeing things. What is true to one is hidden from others, what is true for some, is false for others...that is an entirely different subject. To me, truth is subjective, just like beauty..in the eyes and senses of the beholder.

I have unintentionally hurt, confused and frightened others when I took on my journey. But, what I can say for sure, is that one of the biggest differences between 'then' and 'now' is my experience of "God". God use to be an external being in a far away place who I hoped to please by being a good person, and thereby earning His blessings and rewards and feel His presence and comfort in my life when needed. I went to church and partook of fellowship and increased my knowledge and participated in ordinances to remind and solidify that relationship in myself. That time too was part of this journey. It was the beginning and middle and this journey is just a continuation of that one.

Then...I got quiet and and still and in the quiet and stillness I found, instead of a God out there, an everpresent God inside, the constant companionship of peace and well-being and joy. And with this presence inside, I find that ultimately there is no where to go, nothing to do to enrich my relationship with God except honor the truth that I am lead to live one day at a time. As hard as that is for some to understand, I am home.....I am at peace. I am in love and wish to express that joy and love in all my relations. It is now easier for me to hear and feel the presence of this Higher Self when I am in Nature, as the sounds, smells and sights slow me down and soothe my mind. Does that mean I no longer believe in God? Well, I suppose it depends on a person's individual definition. This I know; I am loved and lovable and loving and watched over and protected and blessed and abide in and with and around something larger than this local "Me". I believe there is ultimately no duality....or that in the duality there is perfect balance.

We use to walk in the Redwoods when I was a little girl. I loved it on a level I didn't even understand at the time, and had long forgotten until a couple of years ago as I began to study the relationship the Shaman and the Native Americans had with Nature....then I remembered how I felt as a child when I was outside.

Something as simple as taking the time to look up at and appreciate the beauty of the moon in the sky tonight is my prayer and my offering...and to be of service to those who come into my life in a loving way is my mission.