Thank you, for being so irreplaceably yourself, so quirky and infectious and a fresh breath of integrity so distinct it took mine away.
Thank you for scaring me so badly. Meeting you felt like someone jumping out of a closet, and catching me completely off gaurd. It made me look at my stuff deeper and with more ownership than before, and yet, it still wasn't enough...at the time.
But now is the time and I realize in hindsight that it wasn't even really you that scared me at all... I scared me. In you, I saw ME, myself staring back at me; loving like I wanted to love; feeling the way I really felt, valuing what I really valued and living the life I really wanted to live...but wasn't..for SO MANY pretty weak, but frozen in time reasons.
TRUTH: I was insanely, unabashadly jealous. Jealous to watch someone else have the courage I didn't have; the courage to stop doing what didn't serve you. To spend your time doing what was truly interesting to you. To (and this is what scared me most of all) allow yourself to live in the lostness of your own heart and mind. To wait patiently (or not) for a new direction. To live a life that others might judge. Others like me.
Thank you for wearing the same worn out jumper and shoes without a care in world. For your simple love of salmon and butter sandwiches and the sacredness of your tea ritual. Not sacred as in religious, but sacred in it's inflexibility and dedication.
What I realize now is that even though I was insanely, unabashedly jealous as you spent your days living in my cabin full time that I wanted to live in full time, sleeping in my bed without me, spending your days doing what I craved almost as much as oxygen, is that ultimately the only person stopping me was ME...and my fears. Fears of becoming indefinetely lazy, fears of not having enough money to buy stuff I really don't need, but wanted at the time. You were my dream come true and my worst nightmare in one. All I ever wanted in another and all I wanted to give myself, but wouldn't.
But...it must have helped on some level because life gave me another chance to learn the lessons and I'm relieved to say that this time I heeded the call. So, thank you, my friend, for being my inadvertant teacher; giving me a living, breathing, loving picture of what it looks like to live a life of your own choosing. I'll always love you for that, N.
So, I'm telling my story...gettting it out of my body, healing....
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