This Windy Fall Morning

I made a decision last Saturday to be finished with this almost 3 yr. rollercoaster ride and tell Wells Fargo that they could have my townhome, giving me the financial, emotional, spiritual and physical freedom to move forward, to stop living in limbo, waiting to progress until 'it' was over. Clarity came after 2 days on the property sorting and clearing the contents left behind. I've sunk further and further into peace, trusting the answer even deeper, reflecting on all the many times Spirit has guided me to do what seems illogical at least and yet ultimately terrifying and recounting to myself how not even once have I been lead wrong and always saw later the perfect wisdom in the direction I was lead. This process allowed my struggling, gasping ego to release it's grasp.

But this morning I awoke with that familiar tightness in my chest and slight swelling in my throat. "Oh, hello", I say to my old friend fear. "I thought I sent you packing." He informs me that I had, but that a new idea, proposed by a well meaning acquaintance had taken up a home in a tiny corner of my mind, inviting what my ego views as a possible last ditch effort to survive in the manner it has become so accustomed.

My ego survives primarily by telling me stories of what my life should look like and each time I buy in, it's like it gets another 'doggie treat' to survive for a few hours. It tells me I need to have a 'plan' for my life, be responsible and careful above all else and most of all own a home. Aferall, isn't that the prime symbol of responsibility, stability and successs? Hmmmm....if I have learned one big lesson in the past few years, it is that home is not ULIMATELY found in a building that a bank lets you live in while they hold all the cards. It's a fair deal, all in all, but in my case whatever could have gone wrong did as every safety net we can put in place fell out from under me. Homeowner's insurance went running for the hills with my 8 years worth of premiums. Builder's warranty spent months searching and ultimately finding a way not to pay the claim and the savings account I worked hard to build for 'rainy days' was gone so fast my head was spinning. The bank understandably heald all the cards and I allowed myself to be pulled around like a bull with a ring in my nose. The icing on the cake was that the county still wants property taxes. I hate paying the additional income taxes without the interest write off. That's one great thing about home ownership. But when fate/mother nature assert their ultimate dominance, that top of the line insurance policy I bought, as well as all the other paperwork I thought would protect 'my investment' held no water and disappeared.

So.. this morning my little troll fear wants me to make a last ditch effort to save my equity. My logical mind totally buys into the concept and yet my soul is standing there staring at me with her palms facing up wondering what's up.

With this 'new last ditch effort' it seems there might be one last shot (if WF decides to cooperate) to someday recoup some of my equity...possibly. My mind says, "What will it hurt to try? It couldn't hurt anything to propose it." There is a point there....

I feel freedom waiting at the back door, wondering if I'm going on that trip with him or not as ego keeps stopping me from walking out the door with nothing more than a backpack. It could feel amazing to just go with him and see what the adventure holds, living day to day. Ego plays the part of a well-meaning parent, ever reiminding me of my responsibilities and the importance of having 'safety nets'...

This should be an interesting drama to watch.......who will she follow? Freedom or ego? Stay tuned......