There will be more.....

My life started over 14 yrs. sgo. Little did I know the journey that lay ahead. I have never been good at not knowing. Or so I thought. I remember a few months after completing cancer treatment, experiencing what was later diagnosed as PTSD, mostly paralyzing anxiety, waiting and wondering if it was coming back.

I went to the temple one day and stubbornly sat myself in the celetial room and asked what to date was both a brave and cowardly question. Brave in that I was willing to hear 'bad' news; cowardly in that I had yet to experience being ok with not knowing.....I think I'm still better at the former, but have also tasted the grace and openness of a life lived in the wonder and mystery. The truth is, even when we think we know the outcome, we are ultimately kidding ourselves and playing in the realm of ego rather than Spirit. Boxes rather than spaciousness.

"Will this take me life? Will I get sick again and die?", I asked God as I stared at a picture of Jesus. "It's ok to tell me. I'm prepared to know, either way. And...I'm not leaving until I get an answer."

I sat there like a stubborn teenager, staring at the picture, daring God to answer my question. And the truth is, I was ready to hear that I would die. I'd already made peace with my mortality and accepted the idea that if I was not to raise my children, there must be a bigger plan; a plan bigger than I could understand, but still could accept. It seemed better at the time to know than to try to go on with life and have it throw another curve ball at my dreams. I remember getting the feeling God was just smiling and shaking 'his' head at me....silly, sweet, stubborn child, planting my feet on that hollowed ground and stating an ultimatum, as if I had the actual power to force God's hand. Thankfully, my petition, or demonstration, was met with an answer, albeit an ironic, sarcastic, parable-like answer, befitting a Being of much higher intelligence and wisdom than myself.

I don't know how long it took. I'm guessing only 15 minutes. A compassionately quick response to someone like myself, who was literally prepared to be escorted out when they closed late that night. I meant it. I would not leave without an answer. I just stared at the face of Jesus and waited. I think the tears started a few seconds before I heard the words sink into my heart. And just as I heard them, tremendous peace wrapped around me like a warm blanket of love. "There will be more". At the time I remember being aware that I could have, perhaps should have been frightened by that answer, but I wasn't. In my current, somewhat morbid obsession, I took that answer in the negative sense. More to suffer, I guessed, in some way. I think I tried to get a few more details and asked, "More What?" and the answer was simply repeated and so, in my human mind I filled in the blank myself, supposing it to be more to go through, but not enough to assume necessarily cancer, although I couldn't rule it out. It was a total non-answer and complete answer all wrapped in one....the kind of answer that met my dug-in-heels resolve without telling me a damn thing.

There certainly has been 'more' in the last 14 years. I sometimes smile when I think of it. I think I made God smile that day, knowing the naivety of my question. "What if?", I think today, I had been told the road that lay ahead...the ending of my marraige, the transformation of my beliefs, the loss of my home and business, all full of deep pain and yet ultimnately deep joy. I could not have fully taken into my mind or body the thought of that.....I would have wanted to crawl in bed that night and refuse to rise again.

More......
LIfe
Joy
Growth
Grief
Loss
Depth
Passion
Vitality
Laughter
Love
Adventure

And boy.......has it been a wild, worth it ride.

And....."Thank You, God. For your patience and ultimate compassion that day when I thought I was brave enough to know."