Living With Paradox

The longer I live, and the more I explore my inner world and the outer world that it creates for me, the more clear it becomes that it is in finding and sitting with the paradoxes in life, that I grow. It is uncomfortable, for sure, but I find that as I become aware of where they exist and what the dilemmas that surround them are, the more congruent my inner and outer life can become.

Perfect example...today. I get home from yoga (a humbling and uncomfortable experience after several weeks away)and am clearly aware of a low hovering mist of darkness around me. It could be any combination of premenstrual hormones, the New Moon, or simply post holiday fatigue and overwhelm. The why doesn't really matter...it's here and this is where I find myself today.

During yoga, the consequences of weeks of holiday fare are impossible to ignore as they hang around my mid-section, making twists uncomfortable. I am, at that moment, actually beginning to crave what became a breakfast staple all summer and fall...my green smoothie. I vow to go home and treat myself to one and 'get back on track'. Instead I walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. Stare at the spinach and instead, reach for the cheddar cheese and sausage. What the....?

My house is demanding more of me than I want or have to give. I feel angry when I look at it. With kids home full time for a couple of weeks, and dogs inside more than out due to weather, created a never ending flow of vacuuming and dishes. I have managed to mostly keep up, but for some reason, in the last couple of days I cannot seem to get on top of the piles. I woke up yesterday and could no longer stand the clutter of my Christmas decorations, so I set out to get them all 'down'. However, now they sit in a huge pile on my dining room table as I have been too lazy, or something, to go out to the garage for the boxes to finish packing them up so they are out of my way. The sight of this mess feels overwhelming as well.

Anna, our personal version of a "Marley Dog", has once again found something to chew up all over the living room floor, so that needs to be vacuumed up, OR...deal with the frustration of staring at it.

The yard is full of at least 2 weeks of dog shit (please forgive my language, but at this point, saying poop is just a little to bland) that snow prevented the usual daily pick up. That I can sort of ignore because it's outside, except when I go into the kitchen and spy all the piles staring back at me through the windows, and the last thing I want is the dogs tracking it back in.

There is a dishwasher to unload and reload. A product of a late night macaroni and cheese binge from Amber.

There is laundry to be done before the work week starts in the morning.

All of this in my face work is frankly pissing me off because what I really crave is a toss up between a nap and/or a book in front of a warm fire. Yet...there is this aspect of me that has forced myself to sit down in this uncomfortable chair and honor my need to write. At the moment that is winning, probably in the hopes that it will bring some form of clarity, and fear that if I don't put this all down, the experience will be lost forever.

In addition, there is the pull of the year end bonus check pinned to the refrigerator, which would make it possible to buy this lap top computer at Costco that caught my eye. I keep telling myself I don't really need it and reminding myself of all the other times I thought I did need something, only months later to realize it wasn't true. But this morning, here the check sits and Costco is calling my name. I rationalize it by telling myself it is the perfect solution to my current excuse for not writing more...which is that I write best laying on my back on my bed with a lap top propped against my stomach and knees or sitting in a big comfy chair with my legs crossed, and I remind myself of the fact that it would solve that problem...and I know it would be very enjoyable to be able to write like that again. Currently, I am stuck on a hard dining room chair...it does interfere. My safe and sane persona cautions me to put the money in the bank...after all, I have a formidable drop in income next week. There is also the fun me, telling me to relax and reward myself and reminds me of how hard I've worked this year and how much I deserve it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly clear that I have it no worse than anyone else. My intention is not to garner sympathy, but to voice, to myself as much as anyone, the many choices and the current lack of clear direction. I either betray my true desires for rest and/or pleasure and force myself to once again put equally valuable things off in the interest of responsibility and getting rid of the stress of looking at the mess.

For more years than I wish to count, the need to keep up a persona of 'having it all together' reigned supreme. The last couple of years, out of pure exhaustion, rest and play was most important...and the wrath and judgment of others was painful. I realized a few months ago that perhaps some balance could be achieved...today I am struggling with that balance...

I suppose the question that may begin to bring some clarity may be, "What will cause the greatest relief at this moment?"

So, what will I do? The responsible grown-up vs. the rebellious child vs. the wounded warrior......tune in next time.