Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies
Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
From "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Return Again
"Home is not only a place you remember, but a place that remembers you, even if you have never been there before, the place that holds some essesntial piece of you in trust, waiting for you to return." Oriah
Return Again
Return Again
Return to the Land of my Soul
Return to who I am
Return to what I am
Return to where I am
Born and Reborn Again
These are the words to a Hebrew song we sang many times in Circle on my Ireland Trip as we visited the sacred sites
Commentary:
The Shaman in me feels a deep connection to certain lands. My first deep connection, even before I realized it, was with the forests, trees and rivers of Mt. Hood. It has been over a year since I sold my cabin, and even longer since I have spent any time on the land just listening and being filled.
For an unknown reason, I feel a deep pull to return there this week. At first I didn't know why, but as I unpacked boxes, I came across our sweet dog Nelly's ashes. She had expressed a desire to be placed there after her death, but we have not been willing or ready to part with them.....until now. And it is really time now. Don't know why, but I'm trusting it. I have assured Laura we will save some of them for our home, but the rest will go to the base of the tree right outside our cabin, with more on the riverbank which we spent many hours exploring and swimming and more up on the Badger Creek Wilderness Trail where we often hiked.
The other land that called me for years was Ireland. She finally claimed me for good last April. I felt so close and connected to certain places, especially La Crough and the Cliffs of Mohr. I cannot begin to understand on a logical level what happened to me at the Cliffs. As soon as my eyes got even the slightest glimpse, tears began pouring from my eyes. I wasn't crying really, but I could not stop the tears for almost 2 hours. Of course it is a breath-taking place of natural beauty, but that wasn't it. But...I don't know what it was. I wanted to just sit there on the ground and let them come, but unfortunately we didn't have time. It was one of our quickest stops. Our tour guide Kathleen Verigan reported the exact same experience to me when she first saw them. Someday I will go back and do the sit and the cry and walk the entire length.
This woman was there that day playing the harp, which really got the tears going. I'm going back!
Return Again
Return Again
Return to the Land of my Soul
Return to who I am
Return to what I am
Return to where I am
Born and Reborn Again
These are the words to a Hebrew song we sang many times in Circle on my Ireland Trip as we visited the sacred sites
Commentary:
The Shaman in me feels a deep connection to certain lands. My first deep connection, even before I realized it, was with the forests, trees and rivers of Mt. Hood. It has been over a year since I sold my cabin, and even longer since I have spent any time on the land just listening and being filled.
For an unknown reason, I feel a deep pull to return there this week. At first I didn't know why, but as I unpacked boxes, I came across our sweet dog Nelly's ashes. She had expressed a desire to be placed there after her death, but we have not been willing or ready to part with them.....until now. And it is really time now. Don't know why, but I'm trusting it. I have assured Laura we will save some of them for our home, but the rest will go to the base of the tree right outside our cabin, with more on the riverbank which we spent many hours exploring and swimming and more up on the Badger Creek Wilderness Trail where we often hiked.
The other land that called me for years was Ireland. She finally claimed me for good last April. I felt so close and connected to certain places, especially La Crough and the Cliffs of Mohr. I cannot begin to understand on a logical level what happened to me at the Cliffs. As soon as my eyes got even the slightest glimpse, tears began pouring from my eyes. I wasn't crying really, but I could not stop the tears for almost 2 hours. Of course it is a breath-taking place of natural beauty, but that wasn't it. But...I don't know what it was. I wanted to just sit there on the ground and let them come, but unfortunately we didn't have time. It was one of our quickest stops. Our tour guide Kathleen Verigan reported the exact same experience to me when she first saw them. Someday I will go back and do the sit and the cry and walk the entire length.
This woman was there that day playing the harp, which really got the tears going. I'm going back!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Have Patience
"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like the locked rooms and like the books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot be given to your because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At the present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." Rainer Maria Rilke
Commentary:
I have such an active, powerful, logical mind which has been both my salvation and my undoing. The longer I live the more I realize that it is my heart and my intuition that lead to the ultimate truth. My mind picks apart and analyzes. Plans and draws lines.
My path this summer was to "Be Love", and now to "Live no more than one month at a time in my mind". And act on the new belief that that I could have both my sovereignty AND a relationship......So all that is up for me now..learning to walk my talk...learning not to think too much, learning more about myself through love. It's a challenge. It's a blessing.
Commentary:
I have such an active, powerful, logical mind which has been both my salvation and my undoing. The longer I live the more I realize that it is my heart and my intuition that lead to the ultimate truth. My mind picks apart and analyzes. Plans and draws lines.
My path this summer was to "Be Love", and now to "Live no more than one month at a time in my mind". And act on the new belief that that I could have both my sovereignty AND a relationship......So all that is up for me now..learning to walk my talk...learning not to think too much, learning more about myself through love. It's a challenge. It's a blessing.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
This Place of Feeling
"This place of feeling sqeezed is a very important part in our lives where we can really learn something. The point where we are not able to take it or leave it, where we are caught between a rock or a hard place, caught with both the upliftedness of our ideas and the rawness of what is happening in front of our eyes-that is indeed a very fruitful place.
When we feel squeezed there's a tendency for the mind to become small. We feel like a victim, like a pathetic, hopeless case. At that moment of hassle or bewilderment or embarrassment, our minds become bigger.
Instead of taking what's actually occurred as a statement of personal weakness or someone else's power, instead of feeling stupid we could be there, feeling off guard, not knowing what to do, just hanging out there with the raw and tender energy of the moment. This is the place where we begin to learn.
We're so used to running from discomfort, and we're so predictable. If we don't like it, we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when we actually have no ground to stand on at all.
The next time there is no ground to stand on, don't consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck. We have no ground to stand on, and at the same time it could soften us and inspire us. Finally, after all these years, we could finally grow up."
Pema Chondron
Commentary:
And so it is. I sit with all my thoughts. All my feelings. All my dreams. All my fears. All my needs. All my desires. All the bottomless ground and the empty, infinite space. All my blessings. All my gifts. All my struggles. Filled with Gratitude, knowing that right where I am today is right where I belong and what has occurred today is the perfect teaching at the perfect time. And for the first time in my life I consciously choose not to put something in my mouth, not to call someone to talk just to make noise and disperse the energy. Not to turn to the television or a book. But just sit and feel and Be with myself, for myself. Present. Not running away from or toward. Not grasping, but releasing. My will to the Great Mystery and the perfect order than I have learned always exists.
When we feel squeezed there's a tendency for the mind to become small. We feel like a victim, like a pathetic, hopeless case. At that moment of hassle or bewilderment or embarrassment, our minds become bigger.
Instead of taking what's actually occurred as a statement of personal weakness or someone else's power, instead of feeling stupid we could be there, feeling off guard, not knowing what to do, just hanging out there with the raw and tender energy of the moment. This is the place where we begin to learn.
We're so used to running from discomfort, and we're so predictable. If we don't like it, we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when we actually have no ground to stand on at all.
The next time there is no ground to stand on, don't consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck. We have no ground to stand on, and at the same time it could soften us and inspire us. Finally, after all these years, we could finally grow up."
Pema Chondron
Commentary:
And so it is. I sit with all my thoughts. All my feelings. All my dreams. All my fears. All my needs. All my desires. All the bottomless ground and the empty, infinite space. All my blessings. All my gifts. All my struggles. Filled with Gratitude, knowing that right where I am today is right where I belong and what has occurred today is the perfect teaching at the perfect time. And for the first time in my life I consciously choose not to put something in my mouth, not to call someone to talk just to make noise and disperse the energy. Not to turn to the television or a book. But just sit and feel and Be with myself, for myself. Present. Not running away from or toward. Not grasping, but releasing. My will to the Great Mystery and the perfect order than I have learned always exists.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Happy Birthday Ritz!
The "First Wives Club" was reunited tonight to celebrate a Birthday, as well as to meet her new Partner. It was a wonderful time, as usual with TONS Of laughter and love.
In honor of her new Relationship and the beginning of something beautiful and well-deserved in the life of an amazing friend I post the poem
"The True Love" by David Whyte
"There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours
especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never
believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held
out to you this way.
I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man
who would walk every morning on the gray stones
to the shore of baying seals, who would press his
hat to his chest in the blustering sald wind and say his
prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.
And I think of the story of the storm and the people
waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure,
far across the water calling to them.
And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking
and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes!
Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically,
but more subtly, and intimately in the face
of the one you know you have to love.
So that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them we find, everything holds us,
and everything confirms our courage.
And if you wanted to drown, you could,
But you don't, because finally, after all
this struggle and all these years,
you don't want to anymore.
You've simply had enough of drowning
and you want to live, and you want to love.
And you'll walk across any territory,
and any darkness, however fluid,
and however dangerous to take the one
hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours."
In honor of her new Relationship and the beginning of something beautiful and well-deserved in the life of an amazing friend I post the poem
"The True Love" by David Whyte
"There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours
especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never
believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held
out to you this way.
I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man
who would walk every morning on the gray stones
to the shore of baying seals, who would press his
hat to his chest in the blustering sald wind and say his
prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.
And I think of the story of the storm and the people
waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure,
far across the water calling to them.
And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking
and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes!
Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically,
but more subtly, and intimately in the face
of the one you know you have to love.
So that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them we find, everything holds us,
and everything confirms our courage.
And if you wanted to drown, you could,
But you don't, because finally, after all
this struggle and all these years,
you don't want to anymore.
You've simply had enough of drowning
and you want to live, and you want to love.
And you'll walk across any territory,
and any darkness, however fluid,
and however dangerous to take the one
hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours."
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Love Anything.....
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. TO love is to be vulnerable." CS Lewis
No comment necessary.
No comment necessary.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The Question
I honestly had every intention of being fast asleep by now. Finishing up my move has almost done me in. If it were not for the help of angelic others, who have most likely worn themselves out as well, I wouldn't be as far done as I am. BUt I'm probably 97% done...but am left with some leg/knee pain so I can't sleep until the pain med kicks in.
I have been re-reading some of my favorite books the last couple of months. Tonight I found myself cracking open Oriah's "The Call". In it, she asks a question that when I first read it about 3 years ago, it totally opened my mind to a new possibility in how to live my life and it became a path I chose.
She states,
"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"
And so it was. I began to live and make choices out of a different place...no more trying to change myself. Attempting to choose from who I really was instead of who I thought I wanted to be or should be or could be.
It's beautiful.......
I have been re-reading some of my favorite books the last couple of months. Tonight I found myself cracking open Oriah's "The Call". In it, she asks a question that when I first read it about 3 years ago, it totally opened my mind to a new possibility in how to live my life and it became a path I chose.
She states,
"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"
And so it was. I began to live and make choices out of a different place...no more trying to change myself. Attempting to choose from who I really was instead of who I thought I wanted to be or should be or could be.
It's beautiful.......
Friday, November 14, 2008
My Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Grace.......Welcome Home
"I do not understand the mystery of grace- only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us." Ann Lamott
If the last few years have taught me anything, it is that the only real home exists in your heart, not to be found a building, a person, a relationship, a possession, or a job. These things are aspects of a life that swell the joy that abides within in our own heart, allowing that joy ot blossom and grow to greater capacities.
I have been on a sweet, crazy, some would say intense spiritual journey the last 6 years. Sometimes I question "why me?". Why does this call to explore happen to some and not others? I was very happy in my life as it existed when I heard the call and followed. Little did I know that once I started out, that reality I had built my life on would disappear and leave me with nothing to do but turn around and keep going.
After my Vision Quest experience I felt the need to rest and recuperate. I spent more time in silence and alone in the last year than in my entire life combined. It was new and strange for me to not crave the company and companionship of friends and community, but for some reason, for the first time in my life I just let myself trust in what was there and not judge it or deny it even though it made no logical sense.
What has happened in the end is that I feel a sense of arrival. No where to go, no desire to learn more or be more or do any more. It's a wonderful place to be. It's quiet and still and like living in a cozy room with a big comfy chair and a quilt just waiting for me whenever I want to cuddle up and find my center.
This quote from TS Elliot is fitting:
"We shall not cease from exploring
And at the end of all our exploring
We will arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."
I'm settling into a new place that as I nest here I find it's small size and quaint spirit cozy and inviting, whispering to me "Welcome home, my dear.....Welcome home."
If the last few years have taught me anything, it is that the only real home exists in your heart, not to be found a building, a person, a relationship, a possession, or a job. These things are aspects of a life that swell the joy that abides within in our own heart, allowing that joy ot blossom and grow to greater capacities.
I have been on a sweet, crazy, some would say intense spiritual journey the last 6 years. Sometimes I question "why me?". Why does this call to explore happen to some and not others? I was very happy in my life as it existed when I heard the call and followed. Little did I know that once I started out, that reality I had built my life on would disappear and leave me with nothing to do but turn around and keep going.
After my Vision Quest experience I felt the need to rest and recuperate. I spent more time in silence and alone in the last year than in my entire life combined. It was new and strange for me to not crave the company and companionship of friends and community, but for some reason, for the first time in my life I just let myself trust in what was there and not judge it or deny it even though it made no logical sense.
What has happened in the end is that I feel a sense of arrival. No where to go, no desire to learn more or be more or do any more. It's a wonderful place to be. It's quiet and still and like living in a cozy room with a big comfy chair and a quilt just waiting for me whenever I want to cuddle up and find my center.
This quote from TS Elliot is fitting:
"We shall not cease from exploring
And at the end of all our exploring
We will arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."
I'm settling into a new place that as I nest here I find it's small size and quaint spirit cozy and inviting, whispering to me "Welcome home, my dear.....Welcome home."
Monday, November 3, 2008
A film worth your time...at this time in history
I received the link to this film from a friend last week and took the time to watch it between trick or treaters on Friday night. I have always been generally trusting of our leaders, but have to admit that over time this has faded considerably after reading the book "Confessions of an Economic Hitman". It is a good education to help us understand why other countries 'hate america'. I'm including a link to watch a copy of the film, as well as a U Tube clip about the book I speak of.
End of America Film
End of America Film
Sunday, November 2, 2008
There will be more.....
My life started over 14 yrs. sgo. Little did I know the journey that lay ahead. I have never been good at not knowing. Or so I thought. I remember a few months after completing cancer treatment, experiencing what was later diagnosed as PTSD, mostly paralyzing anxiety, waiting and wondering if it was coming back.
I went to the temple one day and stubbornly sat myself in the celetial room and asked what to date was both a brave and cowardly question. Brave in that I was willing to hear 'bad' news; cowardly in that I had yet to experience being ok with not knowing.....I think I'm still better at the former, but have also tasted the grace and openness of a life lived in the wonder and mystery. The truth is, even when we think we know the outcome, we are ultimately kidding ourselves and playing in the realm of ego rather than Spirit. Boxes rather than spaciousness.
"Will this take me life? Will I get sick again and die?", I asked God as I stared at a picture of Jesus. "It's ok to tell me. I'm prepared to know, either way. And...I'm not leaving until I get an answer."
I sat there like a stubborn teenager, staring at the picture, daring God to answer my question. And the truth is, I was ready to hear that I would die. I'd already made peace with my mortality and accepted the idea that if I was not to raise my children, there must be a bigger plan; a plan bigger than I could understand, but still could accept. It seemed better at the time to know than to try to go on with life and have it throw another curve ball at my dreams. I remember getting the feeling God was just smiling and shaking 'his' head at me....silly, sweet, stubborn child, planting my feet on that hollowed ground and stating an ultimatum, as if I had the actual power to force God's hand. Thankfully, my petition, or demonstration, was met with an answer, albeit an ironic, sarcastic, parable-like answer, befitting a Being of much higher intelligence and wisdom than myself.
I don't know how long it took. I'm guessing only 15 minutes. A compassionately quick response to someone like myself, who was literally prepared to be escorted out when they closed late that night. I meant it. I would not leave without an answer. I just stared at the face of Jesus and waited. I think the tears started a few seconds before I heard the words sink into my heart. And just as I heard them, tremendous peace wrapped around me like a warm blanket of love. "There will be more". At the time I remember being aware that I could have, perhaps should have been frightened by that answer, but I wasn't. In my current, somewhat morbid obsession, I took that answer in the negative sense. More to suffer, I guessed, in some way. I think I tried to get a few more details and asked, "More What?" and the answer was simply repeated and so, in my human mind I filled in the blank myself, supposing it to be more to go through, but not enough to assume necessarily cancer, although I couldn't rule it out. It was a total non-answer and complete answer all wrapped in one....the kind of answer that met my dug-in-heels resolve without telling me a damn thing.
There certainly has been 'more' in the last 14 years. I sometimes smile when I think of it. I think I made God smile that day, knowing the naivety of my question. "What if?", I think today, I had been told the road that lay ahead...the ending of my marraige, the transformation of my beliefs, the loss of my home and business, all full of deep pain and yet ultimnately deep joy. I could not have fully taken into my mind or body the thought of that.....I would have wanted to crawl in bed that night and refuse to rise again.
More......
LIfe
Joy
Growth
Grief
Loss
Depth
Passion
Vitality
Laughter
Love
Adventure
And boy.......has it been a wild, worth it ride.
And....."Thank You, God. For your patience and ultimate compassion that day when I thought I was brave enough to know."
I went to the temple one day and stubbornly sat myself in the celetial room and asked what to date was both a brave and cowardly question. Brave in that I was willing to hear 'bad' news; cowardly in that I had yet to experience being ok with not knowing.....I think I'm still better at the former, but have also tasted the grace and openness of a life lived in the wonder and mystery. The truth is, even when we think we know the outcome, we are ultimately kidding ourselves and playing in the realm of ego rather than Spirit. Boxes rather than spaciousness.
"Will this take me life? Will I get sick again and die?", I asked God as I stared at a picture of Jesus. "It's ok to tell me. I'm prepared to know, either way. And...I'm not leaving until I get an answer."
I sat there like a stubborn teenager, staring at the picture, daring God to answer my question. And the truth is, I was ready to hear that I would die. I'd already made peace with my mortality and accepted the idea that if I was not to raise my children, there must be a bigger plan; a plan bigger than I could understand, but still could accept. It seemed better at the time to know than to try to go on with life and have it throw another curve ball at my dreams. I remember getting the feeling God was just smiling and shaking 'his' head at me....silly, sweet, stubborn child, planting my feet on that hollowed ground and stating an ultimatum, as if I had the actual power to force God's hand. Thankfully, my petition, or demonstration, was met with an answer, albeit an ironic, sarcastic, parable-like answer, befitting a Being of much higher intelligence and wisdom than myself.
I don't know how long it took. I'm guessing only 15 minutes. A compassionately quick response to someone like myself, who was literally prepared to be escorted out when they closed late that night. I meant it. I would not leave without an answer. I just stared at the face of Jesus and waited. I think the tears started a few seconds before I heard the words sink into my heart. And just as I heard them, tremendous peace wrapped around me like a warm blanket of love. "There will be more". At the time I remember being aware that I could have, perhaps should have been frightened by that answer, but I wasn't. In my current, somewhat morbid obsession, I took that answer in the negative sense. More to suffer, I guessed, in some way. I think I tried to get a few more details and asked, "More What?" and the answer was simply repeated and so, in my human mind I filled in the blank myself, supposing it to be more to go through, but not enough to assume necessarily cancer, although I couldn't rule it out. It was a total non-answer and complete answer all wrapped in one....the kind of answer that met my dug-in-heels resolve without telling me a damn thing.
There certainly has been 'more' in the last 14 years. I sometimes smile when I think of it. I think I made God smile that day, knowing the naivety of my question. "What if?", I think today, I had been told the road that lay ahead...the ending of my marraige, the transformation of my beliefs, the loss of my home and business, all full of deep pain and yet ultimnately deep joy. I could not have fully taken into my mind or body the thought of that.....I would have wanted to crawl in bed that night and refuse to rise again.
More......
LIfe
Joy
Growth
Grief
Loss
Depth
Passion
Vitality
Laughter
Love
Adventure
And boy.......has it been a wild, worth it ride.
And....."Thank You, God. For your patience and ultimate compassion that day when I thought I was brave enough to know."
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