My Heart

My original plans for NY eve were changed, and so I decided to spend some time looking through a journal I have kept this year of some of my favorite books and the things that I have learned from them. I used a highlighter on key words in the quotes to easier locate favorites in the future. I was actually looking for a quote that most represented 2008 for me...I think this may be it:

"A heart made crooked through loss and change is a heart that can love the world and its less than perfect people." Elizabeth Lesser

I looked back on what I wrote last New Year's Eve, just to see where I had come from. I share a portion:


2008 is descending gently upon us. I feel her hovering sweetly on the outskirts, patiently waiting her turn. As nature is....magical, rhythmic, patient, gentle...transformative, changing always and not fighting or resisting the cyclical births and deaths it brings.

I feel her magic. I feel the changes (or should I say the evolution) coming within me, ready to emerge. I have surely been in labor the last few months and at times the contractions have been so acutely painful I have shrunk back from this new life trying to be born. I'll still be 'me', but more fully alive....more in the moment. More gentle with myself. More in integrity with my truth. More still and quiet yet allowing the dancing and movement stirring inside me to have it's way...and I will let it.

2007 was a fire year...and in the end, it will burn up all that isn't necessary and for the best in our lives, but what an ashen, charred landscape it sometimes leaves in it's path.

Just as in nature; if a baby stays inside it's mother too long, not only will it die, but it eventually kills the mother. This child inside me is ready to come out and play and I can't hold her back any longer....the consequences are now too great and my body is showing signs of a prolonged gestation. It's now more painful to hold it in than to let it emerge. No more resistance; just surrender and with that surrender has come joy and peace. The fear is gone....

So often in life, endings can bring melancholy and sadness. Our minds think that all "good" things must/should last "forever", or at least until we don't hold value in them anymore and then carelessly toss them "away". But remember...there really is no 'away'. Our culture views specific endings as failures. For example, an illness, a lay off, a divorce...a physical death. We fear them, we fight them, we hold them at bay and often judge ourselves and others as we watch ending happening. It reminds us that really, we have no ultimate control, and that makes us uncomfortable....to say the least, excurutiating at best.

If I have learned one thing in the last 15 years, it is that change is never REALLY bad; even though it is painful and dark and scarey at the beginning and in the middle. Each change has brought me, in the end, more of all the things that make life rich and delicious. I (l)earned this year, a joyful relationship with death. I have no fear of death, and we (me and death) have this sort of unspoken secret that we can laugh about together, cause now I get "the joke". I understand that won't make sense to many, but oh, well. If it makes sense to you...congratulations.

Both birth and death are painful...and unavoidable.

Ask a woman who has gone through childbirth. It's an intense mix of physical and emotional sensations. It's all of it, wrapped up in one package and once it starts you're along for the ride....But, also ask that woman if all the pain of childbirth was worth it and she will wisely smile, even if she can't put it in words, because words fail in comparison to what she gained from it, and continues to gain from that one experience that keeps on giving.

So as 2007 comes to a close I will thank him. For it All. The pain, the joy, the synchronicities, the downright miracles, the teachings, the ending of this section of time, but never will I forget what amazing, often buried, treasures were brought in each day. I learned to ride the waves of uncertainty with new curiosity. I learned to endure the absence of much loved children, whether that absence was physical or emotional, and rejoice more fully in their return or anticipate a future return; and trust in the necessity of both. I learned how to let emotion flow through me; I learned that I can survive without food, or artificial light much longer than I thought possible; that nature trully supports ALL of life and ALL of my needs, whether I recognize her as the giver or not, that all quests are easier and more powerful when supported by community. I learned how to take care of myself to a new level and to surrender to the wisdom of my body and heart; to let go of the expectations put on me by anyone or anything, including myself. I learned how to "Do Nothing" in total stillness and peace and embrace all the gifts of fallow time...to name just a few.

So I vow to myself to show up fully in this magical Nature ride of 2008. Bring it on!

I embrace it and ALL it will bring as it emerges, in the cold and darkness of night, so will I more fully be born unto myself. I will gently cradle and wrap us up, vowing to raise it up as itself; not trying to fix it or mold it into what my mind tells me it should look like, act like or feel like......as it should be in all of my life.

Now. Today, the end of 2008, I can say that I did show up fully. I learned to really be present. I allowed myself permission to access and grieve many old events that I somehow had never found the space and time to feel and process. It was amazing that my body could so access those times and places and fully embrace the difficulties and disappointments. The gift of the trek being a newfound lightness and increased capacity to love and have compassion, hense my chosen quote.

2007 was a year of gestation, 2008 was a birthing and nurturing year. I spent more time alone last year than in my entire life combined, and in that time was able to rest and play and learn to love myself and accept myself, warts and all. The 'new' me faced some monsters in the closet, but with my new strength I was able to act in faith. I let go of a lot, the largest being my involvement in trying to save my equity and sanity at the same time in my condemned townhome. In the end, I chose sanity. I was able to have complete peace (after a few days of absolute terror) in letting the bank and my lawyer know I was done. I truly believe that I will be fine without that money. THe mantra that emerged for me was, "I will no longer spend my time, energy, money or resources on things, people or ideas that do not hold inherent value to me." It was one of the most freeing experiences of my life to let go of something that at one time meant so much to me, and put myself completely in God's hands to show me the way forward. I get the impression the lessons here are all designed around teaching me to distinguish priorities and values and see more clearly how unattached my heart and soul really are to material things.

I had been shown almost 2 years ago, in a journey, a far off island and told "That is where you are going." I inquired as to how I would get there and the message was an obvious, but enigmatic, "Well, the first thing you need to know is that you'll never get there unless you leave here." That was disconcerting considering that I was happy 'where I was'. So, I'd largely ignored the message and went on. It was not until this fall that finally had the guts to volunteer to 'go there', ho matter what it took. The first piece to fall into place was a move to a more suitable housing situation. Then an awareness to move forward with some areas of service that had been patiently waiting my attention. The last big letting go has been necessitated by trying to fit the contents of a 4 bedroom house, a cabin and an office into a 2 bedroom townhome. I have a garage full of things that still need to be tossed, but we will make it by Spring. It was fun to give so much of it away rather than sell it. It blessed our lives and I got all my value from all of it, so it was time to let it go.

So, 2009 I think will be a year of stepping forward. Being of service as a CASA, exploring adoption, becoming a grandma, the return of my only son for a few months before he leaves for school, and a training that in the end will solidify my service path in the world and produce some sort of ministerial license to boot. Life is blessed for sure.

Living With Paradox

The longer I live, and the more I explore my inner world and the outer world that it creates for me, the more clear it becomes that it is in finding and sitting with the paradoxes in life, that I grow. It is uncomfortable, for sure, but I find that as I become aware of where they exist and what the dilemmas that surround them are, the more congruent my inner and outer life can become.

Perfect example...today. I get home from yoga (a humbling and uncomfortable experience after several weeks away)and am clearly aware of a low hovering mist of darkness around me. It could be any combination of premenstrual hormones, the New Moon, or simply post holiday fatigue and overwhelm. The why doesn't really matter...it's here and this is where I find myself today.

During yoga, the consequences of weeks of holiday fare are impossible to ignore as they hang around my mid-section, making twists uncomfortable. I am, at that moment, actually beginning to crave what became a breakfast staple all summer and fall...my green smoothie. I vow to go home and treat myself to one and 'get back on track'. Instead I walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. Stare at the spinach and instead, reach for the cheddar cheese and sausage. What the....?

My house is demanding more of me than I want or have to give. I feel angry when I look at it. With kids home full time for a couple of weeks, and dogs inside more than out due to weather, created a never ending flow of vacuuming and dishes. I have managed to mostly keep up, but for some reason, in the last couple of days I cannot seem to get on top of the piles. I woke up yesterday and could no longer stand the clutter of my Christmas decorations, so I set out to get them all 'down'. However, now they sit in a huge pile on my dining room table as I have been too lazy, or something, to go out to the garage for the boxes to finish packing them up so they are out of my way. The sight of this mess feels overwhelming as well.

Anna, our personal version of a "Marley Dog", has once again found something to chew up all over the living room floor, so that needs to be vacuumed up, OR...deal with the frustration of staring at it.

The yard is full of at least 2 weeks of dog shit (please forgive my language, but at this point, saying poop is just a little to bland) that snow prevented the usual daily pick up. That I can sort of ignore because it's outside, except when I go into the kitchen and spy all the piles staring back at me through the windows, and the last thing I want is the dogs tracking it back in.

There is a dishwasher to unload and reload. A product of a late night macaroni and cheese binge from Amber.

There is laundry to be done before the work week starts in the morning.

All of this in my face work is frankly pissing me off because what I really crave is a toss up between a nap and/or a book in front of a warm fire. Yet...there is this aspect of me that has forced myself to sit down in this uncomfortable chair and honor my need to write. At the moment that is winning, probably in the hopes that it will bring some form of clarity, and fear that if I don't put this all down, the experience will be lost forever.

In addition, there is the pull of the year end bonus check pinned to the refrigerator, which would make it possible to buy this lap top computer at Costco that caught my eye. I keep telling myself I don't really need it and reminding myself of all the other times I thought I did need something, only months later to realize it wasn't true. But this morning, here the check sits and Costco is calling my name. I rationalize it by telling myself it is the perfect solution to my current excuse for not writing more...which is that I write best laying on my back on my bed with a lap top propped against my stomach and knees or sitting in a big comfy chair with my legs crossed, and I remind myself of the fact that it would solve that problem...and I know it would be very enjoyable to be able to write like that again. Currently, I am stuck on a hard dining room chair...it does interfere. My safe and sane persona cautions me to put the money in the bank...after all, I have a formidable drop in income next week. There is also the fun me, telling me to relax and reward myself and reminds me of how hard I've worked this year and how much I deserve it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly clear that I have it no worse than anyone else. My intention is not to garner sympathy, but to voice, to myself as much as anyone, the many choices and the current lack of clear direction. I either betray my true desires for rest and/or pleasure and force myself to once again put equally valuable things off in the interest of responsibility and getting rid of the stress of looking at the mess.

For more years than I wish to count, the need to keep up a persona of 'having it all together' reigned supreme. The last couple of years, out of pure exhaustion, rest and play was most important...and the wrath and judgment of others was painful. I realized a few months ago that perhaps some balance could be achieved...today I am struggling with that balance...

I suppose the question that may begin to bring some clarity may be, "What will cause the greatest relief at this moment?"

So, what will I do? The responsible grown-up vs. the rebellious child vs. the wounded warrior......tune in next time.

The Work

Even Accidents Aren't Accidental

I got to have lunch today with my friend Shelley who I haven't seen for a very long time. As I dressed this morning I was remembering the circumstances that lead to our meeting. I was training to do the Honolulu Marathon in 2004 and at the peak of the training regimen was rear ended in my car and even though the injury to my low back was not major, it was enough that I could not continue to run the miles necessary without aggravating the injury, so I dropped out, very disappointed and confused as to why this had happened, interfering with my goal.

I was training through TNT to raise money for cancer research, so in their program I was able to delay my participation to a future event. I picked Alaska June 2005 and let my body heal..

When we started training the next February I met many amazing women, some of which I'm still in contact with, one being Shelley. We shared a love of learning, spiritual exploration, and even Golden Retrievers. We didn't get to train together much because she was doing the half and I was the whole, but we did warm up together a couple of times. It wasn't until the plane trip up to Anchorage that we really formed the deep bond of friendship. I think we talked the entire trip up without taking a breath, and an ongoing friendship resulted. I grew to respect and love her more and more as time went on....

So, as I was dressing this morning, I had to pause and be thankful. For, if I was not in that car accident, we would never have met. And...it gave me pause to consider all the other incidents, big and small, that have initially seemed like an imposition, and surely were not part of MY plan, but that brought the next perfect thing into my life.

For me, the lesson was, and is, to embrace ALL that happens and trust in the bigger picture...let go of my attachment to the way things look and pause in curiosity and wonder, rather than frustration whenever there is a detour.....it could be God's next blessing....trying to happen. And...if I just relax and listen and follow flow instead of fighting it...then I'll be quiet enough and have my heart and eyes open to see the gift, and surely Shelley is a gift. Love ya darlin'.

Neshume-le

Neshume-le: Hebrew for "Beloved Little Soul"

Who is this soul? This blessed little soul, in embryo, coming to our family? I anxiously await the unfolding of their story. What will their physical attributes be? Who's personality will they mirror? What lessons do they have to teach us? What lessons have they come here to learn? What Karma have they carried in, ready to work out in all that life offers?

Surely, they are already deeply loved...a still, calm lake of love abides in their soon to be home; parents who love each other and respect each other and are kind to each other.

I already love him/her. I find myself looking forward to just sitting and holding while Courtney takes a much needed nap or a shower.

This year will be full of precious gifts. Justin returning, a grandchild arriving, to name only two.

I will share, at this time of gifting, another piece I wrote, also to my children as stood wrapping what seemed like empty presents one Christmas Eve. There were so many things, REALLY important things I wanted them to have and to know.


If I Could Give You Anything

If I could give you anything it would be...
An assurance of how perfect you are RIGHT NOW
That everything you were meant to have, and be, and do is within you now
You don't have to go searching outside yourself
Or look to others to show you or tell you how.
You have come with all you need to have joy, and purpose, and success.
And my love for you is unchanging and ever-present.

I would give you a vision of who you really are
And why God sent you here
To this time and place
To this family and these friends
To the stuggles you came to face and embrace
As well as the gifts that make you so wonderful...so unique...so you...so loved

I would give you a reason to get out of bed every morning in joy.
And the ability to lay down at night recalling the miracles that crossed your path.
That you may be able to close your eyes in gratitude, and sleep in peace
With an absolute knowledge of the hand of Spirit in your life.

I would give you the gift of curiosity
And a desire to seek knowledge and find truth
So that when you find it you may be full.
And trust in yourself, your intelligence and your intuition
Refusing to change your path or defer your truth to the thoughts and opionions of others.

I would give you depth of spirit.
To look within to discover that place and space that exists inside you always
Where God and you unite
Where perfect peace, and perfect knowledge and perfect truth are one.
Then when all else feels lost...for it will
You can return there and find the peace, love and rest that can be found nowhere else.

I would give you the Humility to reach out for help when you need it.
The blessing of good friends to reach to;
Who remind you of the truth about yourself when you forget.
To escort you back home when you wander away from yourself....and us
Your good and true home.

I would give you the dignity to know that your life is a journey.
And the choices you make are but experiments in truth.
So that when you wish you would have chosen differently,
You can stand in pride and call it learning...not a mistake.
Then act from that wisdom when life asks you to choose again..for it will.

I would give you a mirror
In which you see only your beauty and splendor, both inside and out.
That through your reflection, others see only the best in themselves.

I would give you a candle to light your way
And a pocket full of faith to take one step at a time when it is too dark to see any further.

I would give you courage,
So you can cross each bridge before you
And trust that something better is waiting on the other side
Knowing that smooth and familiar are not what bring growth.
So even if you have to close your eyes, or be pulled kicking and screaming
That in the end you will do it....Just JUMP!

I would give you a surety that God is always there for you.
That there is nothing you could ever do, or think, or be that changes your value.
So that when circumstances feel hopeless,
When those who are supposed to love and support you fall short...for they will
You will know that one thing never changes
God is always there....and so am I

Even when you can't see us with your human eyes,
Or hear our voice in your ear
Stop
Be silent
Be still
And you will feel
Our arms around you
Our LOVE surround you

Your Mother on earth
And your Father in Heaven
God will give you all that you ever need
And YOU are his precious gift to ME!


Valerie 2003

Due to my lack of techno mojo I have been unable to figure out how to post the image of Courtney's first ultrasound...however, in the spirit of tenacity, I will post the link and you can try to pull up the image.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=60100222#/photo.php?pid=30437794&id=60100222&ref=nf

A Holy Silence

While most of the country runs around shopping and spending and thinking of gifts, and some also acknowledge this at the time to honor the birth of Christ, I find my soul celebrating most what will transpire on Sunday morning as my Holy Day (Holiday). Christmas is another incarnation of Solstice. The Birth of Christ, the Son of God, we celebrate at this time of year, even though this is not the time on the calendar that it most likely actually occurred. We celebrate it very close to the Solstice, the re-birth of the Sun. Both, the Son and the Sun, Born and reborn again. In our hearts and minds. In the physical and in the spiritual. In form and in formlessness.

When I did my Vision Quest over a year ago, I knew I would be stepping forward in making a difference in the world. I'd been given a general idea of what that would look like, and since returning, it seemed that not much showed up around that being an actual opportunity. At times I wondered if I was skirting it. In the meantime, I have witnessed and gone through a continual shifting of pieces of my life. My work, my home, my heart, my mind all transforming in many big and small ways, all for the good.

As we approach this Solstice, I have a growing feeling that 'it is time'. Time to step forward. Time to let go of fear. Time to stop playing small. Time to let go of the excuses, supposedly valid, or not.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm sort of leaping on faith and that it wasn't scary. I don't have all the answers yet. I'm full of questions...the biggest ones being 'how will I make ends meet' and 'where will I find the time and energy'? I think of the teaching that my job is not to worry about the HOW, my job is just to know that WHAT and step forward in faith and ask. I think of the scripture, "I stand at the door and knock". That knock has been getting louder and I can't ignore it any more.

I take responsibility for the ways I've been distracting myself for months now...cruising the web, reading and many more. I guess I thought maybe if I ignored the impulse long enough it would simply go away? No matter. Now I know and I accept.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally had the courage to face it and say "Yes". So I started with a Journey, asking for a teaching, for one small thing I could do to step forward. What I was shown was far from small. It was definitely intimidating and since then I've done a little hiding again. But as I prepare for the Solstice, for the return of the Sun, the return of the light I can no longer hide my own under a bushel and I acknowledge that I know enough to take some small steps in the direction. So, this morning I lit a candle, said a prayer and reaffirmed my "YES".

There will be many Journey's to guide me through and I know now that each the time between my Quest and today was vital. It was preparatory, it was a time of healing and growth so that I would have the courage and strength to offer my time and energy in service to others.

I feel a time of prayer and silence descending. A Holy Silence. Laura goes to her dad's tomorrow for a week and I sense that this will be the beginning of a new beginning. And reverence is where I start. Prayer is where I start. Silence and Faith will be my traveling companions.

As light reenters our earth and therefore our lives on Sunday, I offer this new year, 2009 as a year of service. A year to give back and make a difference in whatever way I am lead.

I offer myself as a servant. I let go of anything that will get in my way. I embrace the people and things that will support me. I ask for the discernment to know the difference. Blessed Be!

ME

I love this song.....It is the truth of me...and a fitting reminder of the truth

I'll post the lyrics as well so you can take it all in.




Lyrics to Me :
I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

CHORUS:

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

Chorus

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
That I love (6 times)

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, I know, yes I know

That I love (5 times overlapping chorus)

But it's me
And it's me
But it's me (4 times)
[ Me Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Love Song By Rilke

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn't touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

So Long Samsara

The Buddhists use the term Samsara to refer to the world of illusion. I usually experience illusion as my mind, or my ego trying to run a racket on my soul and/or body.

For some unknown reason, I have always wanted to participate in a Native American Sweat Lodge. For some reason, it has taken years to actually happen. I was surprised that I wanted to do it because it combined several of my insecurities in one. Dark, Hot, Small spaces. When I was invited to one on November 29th, it worked out. I didn't like the idea that it wasn't to start until after dark, but I figured I'd go for it anyway. I had to go by myself and the location was pretty remote. I mapquested the address, but as sometimes happens, it lead me to a dead end. At this point, I began to question if it was meant to be. It would have been easy to just turn and head for home, but before doing so, I said a silent prayer and asked that if it was important that I be there, that I be lead to the property. Strangely enough, I just followed my 'instinct' and within 15 minutes I was lead straight to the property. I took it as a sign that there was something there for me to experience.

I was familiar with Prayer Ties from my Vision Quest Experience, but they were made for me. This night I was given instruction in making my own, which was fun. It is typical to enter the Sweat with a prayer or intention.

I asked for the purification of my heart around the masculine. I was in the early stages of exploring a couple of relationship options, and could feel my ego fighting hard to prevent me from experiencing these possibilities with an open heart and pure intentions. One of my ties was for my friend Jade. Things with Jade were actually perfect at the time, but I wanted them to stay that way, with neither of us striving for something more, or pulling away in fear...just as we were about to enter the lodge (you crawl in through a low door on your hands and knees) his prayer tie fell and I could not find it in the dark. For a second, I looked, even experiencing a moment of apprehension around it's loss. Just before I was about to search in earnest I heard the words, "This love has already been through the fire. It exists currently in it's purest state". I had to admit it was true and I entered in peace.

Stones are used to heat the small space. They are carefully chosen, and are asked if they want to participate. They are lovingly referred to as "Stone Poeople" or "The Grandfathers" because of their age, and it is believed that they have witnessed much and that they hold the stories of the earth and the people. I have had great experiences working with stones.

The stones are brought in one at a time to the lodge on a pitchfork and greeted with with the NA words meaning, "All my relations".

After the stones are all in (quite a process) the door is closed (it's more like a blanket that covers the door), water is poured over the stones and it gets very hot very fast.

The ceremony is done in 'rounds', with each being dedicated to either singing or prayer. Between rounds, the door is lifted and water passed. After the first round, I wasn't sure I would make it through, but by the end, I felt actually amazing. I only survived though by laying down on my back and burrowing as much of my skin into the wet, cold dirt as possible. But in that position I could sweat and not really suffer. It was as if I could feel the changes happening in my spirit, the purification happening.


I got quite sick a few hours after the ceremony. Probably a combination of detox and dehydration.....but it was worth it. I have been able to see the truth in all situations and act from a place of truth and purity in my best interest without conflict between my heart and mind.

No more illusion..........

Soulful Friendships

I woke up this morning with two things really present, and I will be honest in admitting that sitting her, now, is the manifestation of avoidance of the second, which is the unabashed dread of spending the day mucking through the rest of my belongings in the garage in an attempt to make space to park in it again....Goodwill will be forever grateful, and profit, from my downsizing. So, I lull myself into an agreement to get out there AFTER a hot cup of tea and some time spent with words.

So, more to the enjoyable point......I am SO THANKFUL to be blessed with such intimate friendships. Such amazing souls in my life who truly care for and about me. Who know how to truly show up with an open heart and mind and listen and witness and support, and counsel....you know who you are! Namaste!

I've been working inwardly and outwardly with what I have coined a "21st Century Relationship", which is what I see as my current ideal. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am still the little princess wanting the knight in shining armor to show up and take me to his castle, but in reality, my soul finds that ultimately boring and I recongnize that I have no desire, or even ability to be someone's possession or property in the least. Nor do I care to possess or feel control of another's heart, mind, soul or body.

I like the way that Thomas Moore speaks of relationship when he says,

"Our problem in relationships is how to have an ongoing, intimate life with another person at the same time as we invite this completely unpredictable depth to have a significant place in our lives. It isn't easy to live with the power and mystery of another's soulful personality. For one thing, you can't depend on what the person promises, since the soul isn't willing to be chained to intentions or even to commitments. If the individual doesn't understand everything going on in the soul, how can one who is close, who is seriously wrapped up in the other, have even the remotest understanding?

The only solution is for both parties to respect soul, to acknowledge the mystery , that is inescapably contained in the soulful life, and to treasure that very unpredictability. This may entail a radical shift in values. Ordinarily we honor commitments, promises, fidelities, and reliable habits. If on the other hand, we had a larger picture in mind and honored the tendency of the soul to move in mysterious ways, we might see that the unpredicted developments that come from the soul can have a positive effect on relationship. They demand a great deal of adjustment and allowance, but they also offer continuous deepening of the connection and a grounding of the attachment in soul rather than in any one person's will. Besides, individual willfullness is usually laced with fear and manipulation, and is hardly solid ground for the building of intimacy."

This is my definition of an ideal relatinship.......

Now I'm off to brush my teeth and sort mostly useless possessions.


Ok...one more quote for the day before I deal with it..

"A soulful relationship is not a simple gift; it asks for concentrated cultivation. Anyone can find vernacular sources of soul in the familiar world around them, but there is a spirit in our time that goes against the vernacular. It prefers the abstract, the general, and the numerically insignificant. This abstracting spirit trickles down to our relationships and shrinks the space necessary for the soul. It is a philosophy that finds comfort in knowing what the majority feels and thinks. It's also a moralism that tells us, based on majority opinion, how to be in relationship. But to live a vernactular life and find vernacular intimacy, one has to go against the tide and cherish the things that call out to us in particular, whether or not they are valued by the culture around us." Thomas Moore