As I took a few minutes for contemplation today I was lead to my bookshelf, and to a classic book, "The Prophet", by Kahlil Gibran. I have been so grateful this week for the healing that has happened in my knee. I have had 2 days with little to no pain, and it was fitting, with that in my heart, that the book opened to this:
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wonderous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
and the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."
And so it is, that I thank my inner physician in silence and tranquility......Alder
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Calling the Circle.....
And so it is!
The time has come. It was never a matter of if, but when. This coming full moon has been causing a rising tide, tsunami, actually, within my first and second chakras in the last few days. At times I thought I would go crazy with the stirrings. I felt like an animal at times, feeling actual instinctual 'compulsions', for lack of a better word. I'd find myself getting busy doing something just to make it go away, and it would work....for a few hours. Finally last night I sat down with it and just let it be, and let it have it's way with me. I sat in darkened silence, my favorite insense to stir my passions, and welcomed in the sensation, eventually recognizing it as a physical creative impulse. I opened my mind and heart and asked to conceive it, and so now, tonight, I sit gestating the inevitable birth of another part of my vision....a circle of women. Women of all ages, and girls, especially young girls, all supporting and loving eachother as we gather each month on the New and Full Moons and birth and celebrate our lives and our connection to the earth and the sky. I remembered the words in "Circle of Stones"....
"How might your life have been different, if as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be with women? A place where you could be received as you strove to order your moments and your days.
A place where you could learn a quiet centeredness...to help ground yourself in daily patterns that would nurture you through their gentle rhythms...and after the fires were lighted and the drumming and the silence, you heard for the very first time...each woman slowly speaking into the stillness, sharing her feelings of how she saw her life and what she wished to say of it...weaving the threads of her life into a fabric to be given and named.
And as the shadows of the day lengthened into dusk and you leaned your head against your mother's shoulder, you pondered in your heart a different sense of a woman's life.
If someone had been able to see that you were taking the first tiny baby steps toward feeling your own feelings, of knowing that you saw life differently than those around you. If you had been helped to experience your own uniqueness, to feel the excitement of sensing, for the very first time, your own awareness of life. What if someone had helped you to own all of this...to own your own life.
And the women helped you to go inside yourself and consider all the experiences of your life and to reflect on them...if the women had helped you draw your thoughts and feelings together and to weigh them...so that you could come to a clearer knowing of what your life was about. And if the women had listened as you told them of your whole life and the meaning that it held for you.
And at the end of that process...the oldest women in the lodge had come and sat in a circle and you saw that they had left an empty place....a place for you. And you softly and timidly made your way to the empty space and quietly claimed your wisdom. The wisdom of your soul.........How might your life have been different?"
Please, come. Enter into this sacred circle. Bring yourselves. Bring your sisters and your daughters and your mothers. Bring your hearts and your drums and your light, and your own unique stone, to our circle.
First meeting...on the next New Moon, March 7th.
7pm, Location: TBD
Let me know if you are interested.......Namaste
The time has come. It was never a matter of if, but when. This coming full moon has been causing a rising tide, tsunami, actually, within my first and second chakras in the last few days. At times I thought I would go crazy with the stirrings. I felt like an animal at times, feeling actual instinctual 'compulsions', for lack of a better word. I'd find myself getting busy doing something just to make it go away, and it would work....for a few hours. Finally last night I sat down with it and just let it be, and let it have it's way with me. I sat in darkened silence, my favorite insense to stir my passions, and welcomed in the sensation, eventually recognizing it as a physical creative impulse. I opened my mind and heart and asked to conceive it, and so now, tonight, I sit gestating the inevitable birth of another part of my vision....a circle of women. Women of all ages, and girls, especially young girls, all supporting and loving eachother as we gather each month on the New and Full Moons and birth and celebrate our lives and our connection to the earth and the sky. I remembered the words in "Circle of Stones"....
"How might your life have been different, if as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be with women? A place where you could be received as you strove to order your moments and your days.
A place where you could learn a quiet centeredness...to help ground yourself in daily patterns that would nurture you through their gentle rhythms...and after the fires were lighted and the drumming and the silence, you heard for the very first time...each woman slowly speaking into the stillness, sharing her feelings of how she saw her life and what she wished to say of it...weaving the threads of her life into a fabric to be given and named.
And as the shadows of the day lengthened into dusk and you leaned your head against your mother's shoulder, you pondered in your heart a different sense of a woman's life.
If someone had been able to see that you were taking the first tiny baby steps toward feeling your own feelings, of knowing that you saw life differently than those around you. If you had been helped to experience your own uniqueness, to feel the excitement of sensing, for the very first time, your own awareness of life. What if someone had helped you to own all of this...to own your own life.
And the women helped you to go inside yourself and consider all the experiences of your life and to reflect on them...if the women had helped you draw your thoughts and feelings together and to weigh them...so that you could come to a clearer knowing of what your life was about. And if the women had listened as you told them of your whole life and the meaning that it held for you.
And at the end of that process...the oldest women in the lodge had come and sat in a circle and you saw that they had left an empty place....a place for you. And you softly and timidly made your way to the empty space and quietly claimed your wisdom. The wisdom of your soul.........How might your life have been different?"
Please, come. Enter into this sacred circle. Bring yourselves. Bring your sisters and your daughters and your mothers. Bring your hearts and your drums and your light, and your own unique stone, to our circle.
First meeting...on the next New Moon, March 7th.
7pm, Location: TBD
Let me know if you are interested.......Namaste
Thursday, February 7, 2008
If I Could Give You Anything
I have been through several "Dark Night of the Soul" experiences in my awakening process. The first one was the darkest and most confusing in that it truly descended upon me without warning and for absolutely no logical reason. A close friend could see the change in me and asked me what was wrong. I told him I had no idea and that was the truth. Thankfully, it came and went within a week, but brought in it's wake a gift to me. I have had to other Dark Nights, and if I ever have another I will welcome it in with loving embrace as I now understand that it is merely a process which brings about a burst of fresh creativity and growth. Just the being in labor, giving birth to more aliveness.....
This first one came just after Christmas 2003. As the holiday approached, I was wrapping the gifts I had bought for my kids and thinking about how superficial they were and the fact that in a few weeks they would have trouble recalling what I had gotten them. In the depths of the darkness that came in the weeks following, I sat down with a pen and only one question in my mind. "If I could give my kids anything, what would I give them?"
That is as much conscious thought as I put into it, but as soon as my pen hit the paper, my hand frantically wrote the following piece, in answer to the question I posed. It was truly the words coming through me, not from me, as I never even had a thought, only allowed the pen to move on the paper.
I share it now, wishing it all to everyone. In hindsight, I also see it as what God was giving me, and what was possible to feel and know within myself is true about me, and all beings.
If I Could Give You Anything
If I could give you anything it would be...
An assurance of how perfect you are RIGHT NOW
That everything you were meant to have, and be, and do is within you now
You don't have to go searching outside yourself
Or look to others to show you or tell you how.
You have come with all you need to have joy, and purpose, and success.
And my love for you is unchanging and ever-present.
I would give you a vision of who you really are
And why God sent you here
To this time and place
To this family and these friends
To the stuggles you came to face and embrace
As well as the gifts that make you so wonderful...so unique...so you...so loved
I would give you a reason to get out of bed every morning in joy.
And the ability to lay down at night recalling the miracles that crossed your path.
That you may be able to close your eyes in gratitude, and sleep in peace
With an absolute knowledge of the hand of Spirit in your life.
I would give you the gift of curiosity
And a desire to seek knowledge and find truth
So that when you find it you may be full.
And trust in yourself, your intelligence and your intuition
Refusing to change your path or defer your truth to the thoughts and opionions of others.
I would give you depth of spirit.
To look within to discover that place and space that exists inside you always
Where God and you unite
Where perfect peace, and perfect knowledge and perfect truth are one.
Then when all else feels lost...for it will
You can return there and find the peace, love and rest that can be found nowhere else.
I would give you the Humility to reach out for help when you need it.
The blessing of good friends to reach to;
Who remind you of the truth about yourself when you forget.
To escort you back home when you wander away from yourself....and us
Your good and true home.
I would give you the dignity to know that your life is a journey.
And the choices you make are but experiments in truth.
So that when you wish you would have chosen differently,
You can stand in pride and call it learning...not a mistake.
Then act from that wisdom when life asks you to choose again..for it will.
I would give you a mirror
In which you see only your beauty and splendor, both inside and out.
That through your reflection, others see only the best in themselves.
I would give you a candle to light your way
And a pocket full of faith to take one step at a time when it is too dark to see any further.
I would give you courage,
So you can cross each bridge before you
And trust that something better is waiting on the other side
Knowing that smooth and familiar are not what bring growth.
So even if you have to close your eyes, or be pulled kicking and screaming
That in the end you will do it....Just JUMP!
I would give you a surety that God is always there for you.
That there is nothing you could ever do, or think, or be that changes your value.
So that when circumstances feel hopeless,
When those who are supposed to love and support you fall short...for they will
You will know that one thing never changes
God is always there....and so am I
Even when you can't see us with your human eyes,
Or hear our voice in your ear
Stop
Be silent
Be still
And you will feel
Our arms around you
Our LOVE surround you
Your Mother on earth
And your Father in Heaven
God will give you all that you ever need
And YOU are his precious gift to ME!
Commentary:
If I could only have one legacy in this incarnation, I would want it to be that others felt valued and accepted in my presence. I truly believe that a loving universe would not have allowed each human to come here without giving them all the strength, tenacity, support and talents to survive what would inevitably be asked of them.
And yet I see.....so many, content to live lives of quiet desperation, when so much glory and joy awaits them if only they would look INSIDE....
This first one came just after Christmas 2003. As the holiday approached, I was wrapping the gifts I had bought for my kids and thinking about how superficial they were and the fact that in a few weeks they would have trouble recalling what I had gotten them. In the depths of the darkness that came in the weeks following, I sat down with a pen and only one question in my mind. "If I could give my kids anything, what would I give them?"
That is as much conscious thought as I put into it, but as soon as my pen hit the paper, my hand frantically wrote the following piece, in answer to the question I posed. It was truly the words coming through me, not from me, as I never even had a thought, only allowed the pen to move on the paper.
I share it now, wishing it all to everyone. In hindsight, I also see it as what God was giving me, and what was possible to feel and know within myself is true about me, and all beings.
If I Could Give You Anything
If I could give you anything it would be...
An assurance of how perfect you are RIGHT NOW
That everything you were meant to have, and be, and do is within you now
You don't have to go searching outside yourself
Or look to others to show you or tell you how.
You have come with all you need to have joy, and purpose, and success.
And my love for you is unchanging and ever-present.
I would give you a vision of who you really are
And why God sent you here
To this time and place
To this family and these friends
To the stuggles you came to face and embrace
As well as the gifts that make you so wonderful...so unique...so you...so loved
I would give you a reason to get out of bed every morning in joy.
And the ability to lay down at night recalling the miracles that crossed your path.
That you may be able to close your eyes in gratitude, and sleep in peace
With an absolute knowledge of the hand of Spirit in your life.
I would give you the gift of curiosity
And a desire to seek knowledge and find truth
So that when you find it you may be full.
And trust in yourself, your intelligence and your intuition
Refusing to change your path or defer your truth to the thoughts and opionions of others.
I would give you depth of spirit.
To look within to discover that place and space that exists inside you always
Where God and you unite
Where perfect peace, and perfect knowledge and perfect truth are one.
Then when all else feels lost...for it will
You can return there and find the peace, love and rest that can be found nowhere else.
I would give you the Humility to reach out for help when you need it.
The blessing of good friends to reach to;
Who remind you of the truth about yourself when you forget.
To escort you back home when you wander away from yourself....and us
Your good and true home.
I would give you the dignity to know that your life is a journey.
And the choices you make are but experiments in truth.
So that when you wish you would have chosen differently,
You can stand in pride and call it learning...not a mistake.
Then act from that wisdom when life asks you to choose again..for it will.
I would give you a mirror
In which you see only your beauty and splendor, both inside and out.
That through your reflection, others see only the best in themselves.
I would give you a candle to light your way
And a pocket full of faith to take one step at a time when it is too dark to see any further.
I would give you courage,
So you can cross each bridge before you
And trust that something better is waiting on the other side
Knowing that smooth and familiar are not what bring growth.
So even if you have to close your eyes, or be pulled kicking and screaming
That in the end you will do it....Just JUMP!
I would give you a surety that God is always there for you.
That there is nothing you could ever do, or think, or be that changes your value.
So that when circumstances feel hopeless,
When those who are supposed to love and support you fall short...for they will
You will know that one thing never changes
God is always there....and so am I
Even when you can't see us with your human eyes,
Or hear our voice in your ear
Stop
Be silent
Be still
And you will feel
Our arms around you
Our LOVE surround you
Your Mother on earth
And your Father in Heaven
God will give you all that you ever need
And YOU are his precious gift to ME!
Commentary:
If I could only have one legacy in this incarnation, I would want it to be that others felt valued and accepted in my presence. I truly believe that a loving universe would not have allowed each human to come here without giving them all the strength, tenacity, support and talents to survive what would inevitably be asked of them.
And yet I see.....so many, content to live lives of quiet desperation, when so much glory and joy awaits them if only they would look INSIDE....
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Do you see your shadow?
Yesteday was Groundhog's Day (and my Mom's Birthday). And it got me thinking of my "Shadow". This Western culture does not embrace the Shadow aspect of our personalities. Popular culture and thinking is that it is something to be abolished or at least minimally contained. I believe it is a part of us that, if not embraced, can hold us hostage to the peace that so patiently awaits our coming. It has many names...our ego, our shadow, the dragon, to name a few. Many years ago, I became enthralled with the concepts due to the book by Debbie Ford called "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" as well as the writings of Thomas Moore. I knew in my heart what they spoke was true, and it has changed my life, only for good, and only bringing me closer to myself and God. It's about inviting in the dragon of your fears and self-loathing and looking it all straight in the eye, even sitting down to tea with it and asking it to share it's gifts.....for it has many. So? Do you see yours? What gift does it have for you?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Letting go of the pain...
A torn knee meniscus was the impetus for a deeper listening and forced me to finally listen to a message I had long been ignoring. Finally my body completely rebelled, and I don't blame it, as I truly took it to the 'breaking point'. So, now it has my full attention. I have been asking for performance without changing the oil or putting good gas in the tank.
Those few days in bed following the injury gave me pause to think...and listen. And what I heard was not new. I have been working on bodies in pain, and often, despite my best efforts, taking it into my own body. I have been burning the candle at both ends, working 2 jobs and not taking time for my yoga and exercise since losing my home 2 years ago. I could feel the burn out creeping in, slowly, like a cat, stalking me patiently. This sabbatical will be indefinite. I held it at bay, feeling so afraid to let go without a plan to return. My mind 're-minded' me of the success and joy, the time and money I invested in my education, my equipment and most importantly, my wonderful clients who offer up their bodies to the healing power of touch and count on me to take their pain away. What if...they won't come back and I lose my practice all together. What if after what if. But it feels for now, like I had a door close behind me as I folded up my table. I am trusting us all to be taken care of. I'm not the only, or the best therapist in the world and somehow they will survive and I trusted that they money would come as I moved forward in faith. Amazingly(or not)the day after deciding to extend my sabbatical the dentist I work for offered extra hours. So I'm trusting that ultimately, in this time of discovery and uncertainty, we will ALL be perfectly taken care of. From a body/mind perspective, the knees represent moving forward in the world, and pain or injury there is about fear of moving forward in your life. It was truly relevant. It was an emotional Fall, trying to find my place within a family and church that struggled with the 'new me'. It felt like so much to lose not to see Courtney married, and the emotions coursing through both of us as I felt judged and she felt....disappointed? Angry? Confused? I surely felt 'stuck'; not accepted if I was fully myself and not able to pretend to be something I no longer was. In the end, I learned a lot about myself and many things will be done differently 'next time'. The important things remained intact. My integrity, my love for her, my respect for my history and ancestors. Another chance to walk me talk and learn to be "Loving What Is". I also got relief using the Hawaiin practice of Ho'oponopono. It was also relative to the procrastination i was doing around taking a break from massage.....for many very good reasons, but from what I've seen so far, "All is well".
As I folded up my table, I realized that perhaps the stones in my roaster also needed a rest. In the Shamanic tradition, the stones hold the stories, tell the tales and in this case, surely took in the stories of many pained bodies. So a friend sweetly offered to escort us all down to the coast where I placed them in the running water at Hug Point State Park. The beach was a sea of stones, so they will be right at home, and the water will wash away and cleanse us all. As I take the time to slow down a little and feed myself healthy food and rest and move in healthy ways, I too am letting some old stories wash away. Letting go of stories and beliefs that no longer serve me. Listening more carefully to the messages of this body. My pain is washing away and a new phase of life is being born. For the first time in my life, I'm perfectly at peace with not knowing ANYTHING.....if or when I will return to my bodywork practice, where I will live after May, etc. There are too many wonderful things to watch and do and experience, so I'll just enjoy the ride.
Those few days in bed following the injury gave me pause to think...and listen. And what I heard was not new. I have been working on bodies in pain, and often, despite my best efforts, taking it into my own body. I have been burning the candle at both ends, working 2 jobs and not taking time for my yoga and exercise since losing my home 2 years ago. I could feel the burn out creeping in, slowly, like a cat, stalking me patiently. This sabbatical will be indefinite. I held it at bay, feeling so afraid to let go without a plan to return. My mind 're-minded' me of the success and joy, the time and money I invested in my education, my equipment and most importantly, my wonderful clients who offer up their bodies to the healing power of touch and count on me to take their pain away. What if...they won't come back and I lose my practice all together. What if after what if. But it feels for now, like I had a door close behind me as I folded up my table. I am trusting us all to be taken care of. I'm not the only, or the best therapist in the world and somehow they will survive and I trusted that they money would come as I moved forward in faith. Amazingly(or not)the day after deciding to extend my sabbatical the dentist I work for offered extra hours. So I'm trusting that ultimately, in this time of discovery and uncertainty, we will ALL be perfectly taken care of. From a body/mind perspective, the knees represent moving forward in the world, and pain or injury there is about fear of moving forward in your life. It was truly relevant. It was an emotional Fall, trying to find my place within a family and church that struggled with the 'new me'. It felt like so much to lose not to see Courtney married, and the emotions coursing through both of us as I felt judged and she felt....disappointed? Angry? Confused? I surely felt 'stuck'; not accepted if I was fully myself and not able to pretend to be something I no longer was. In the end, I learned a lot about myself and many things will be done differently 'next time'. The important things remained intact. My integrity, my love for her, my respect for my history and ancestors. Another chance to walk me talk and learn to be "Loving What Is". I also got relief using the Hawaiin practice of Ho'oponopono. It was also relative to the procrastination i was doing around taking a break from massage.....for many very good reasons, but from what I've seen so far, "All is well".
As I folded up my table, I realized that perhaps the stones in my roaster also needed a rest. In the Shamanic tradition, the stones hold the stories, tell the tales and in this case, surely took in the stories of many pained bodies. So a friend sweetly offered to escort us all down to the coast where I placed them in the running water at Hug Point State Park. The beach was a sea of stones, so they will be right at home, and the water will wash away and cleanse us all. As I take the time to slow down a little and feed myself healthy food and rest and move in healthy ways, I too am letting some old stories wash away. Letting go of stories and beliefs that no longer serve me. Listening more carefully to the messages of this body. My pain is washing away and a new phase of life is being born. For the first time in my life, I'm perfectly at peace with not knowing ANYTHING.....if or when I will return to my bodywork practice, where I will live after May, etc. There are too many wonderful things to watch and do and experience, so I'll just enjoy the ride.
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