Trusting 'Injustice'

When it comes to the course of our lives, most of us have a picture in our mind about how we think things are supposed to go or how ourselves and others are supposed to act/look/behave etc. Whether that image is formed by the words/promises of another, our historical experience, or some imagined timeline or image we've made up based mostly on our own desires springing from impatience, aversion, addiction, attachment, personal preference, etc.

Lately I've been resting in the idea of how often we suffer because of this principle. I know for me, it's the only cause of mental suffering. Hence the Buddhist teaching that "All suffering comes from attachment". I am going to start paying attention to how often my conversations with others (and myself) take the form of discussing THE PAST (whether my own or others) and griping/judging it or them vs. THE FUTURE and my perceived "plans" for it and my expectations of myself and others vs. THE PRESENT and sharing being fully present and expressing my contentment in my life as it is. It's impossible to be ONLY in the present, but if I am going to be in the past, I would like to have my focus to be on seeing the perfection in the way things went (which is easier with 20/20 hindsight), and my expression of the future to be in affirmative statements of faith that there is something bigger and wiser; that even in the chaos, there is perfect order.

Haven't we all had the experience of going through something "awful" and later being thankful for it? This became a personal quest of mine in the early 90's. One of my favorite songs at the time was Amy Grant's "My Father's Eyes". In the song, she says that at the end of her life, what she wants, is to have the "Eyes of The Father"...as in God. She describes that as:

"Eyes that find the good in things, when good is not around. Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found. Eyes full of compassion seeing everything...".

For some reason my soul grabbed those words like a hungry puppy....and I was off to the races. That became my hearts desire, and probably marked the beginning of my very personal quest to know "God". I wanted to see my life, and life around me, through the eyes of God, or as God saw them. I wasn't content to learn second hand from books, or take things solely on the word of others experiences. I wanted a new, pair of glasses...celestial ones!

Well, be careful what you ask for, kids. Although I wouldn't take it back for anything. My life truly became the lesson manual for the class I asked to take. Life is "funny" that way, huh? Although it took a few years to really be able to smile at God's sense of humor.

First semester schedule: Cancer 301 (I'd say 101, but I don't believe there is an entry level course in that curriculum. It's a graduate program in all your worst fears and a "LAB" in physical endurance. Once I got over the shock and grief of the diagnosis and the weeks of diagnostic testing, I settled in to 'the class' curriculum. And what a book it was to crack open. What do they call that? An immersion course? Maybe even 'study abroad'. It seemed I'd been transplanted to a foreign land. Nothing looked the same, felt the same, and certainly everyone around me was acting different...and I'm sure I looked at them, and acted differently as well. Talk about having a new set of eyes! Sleep was my only repreve. I took much solace in my continued study of scripture, and especially the writings of Joseph Smith early in his ministry of setting up the church he felt God had asked him to establish. Much of his life consisted of hiding for his safety, tarring and feathering, and other torture and harrassment. He was away from his wife and children A LOT and at risk of death every day.

If you had asked me at 29 to name my 3 worst fears, I would have told you (greatest fear first):

1. Dying young and not being able to raise my children
2. Being alone
3. Loss of financial security

Fascinating...Thanks, God! Let's not waste any time here, huh? Happy 30th Birthday!

Side Bar: In the 12 years following #1, both #2 and #3 have shown up to be conquered. Talk about the law of attraction in action.

So, one day I was reading in a book of scripture called the D&C (and no, it has no gynecological correlation), Joseph is writing of his present difficult circumstances, when what I read spoke to my heart so deeply that even thinking about it today, I can relive the exact sensory experience. It was one of those few in a lifetime moments, when time stands still. Like a gentle, but life-saving landing back into my heart. There is always a definite 'thud' when I touch down, but the ride through my mind is over and I'm home where I belong once again in a world that makes perfect sense. He writes:

"As for the perils I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life, and for what cause it seems mysterious...Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all things, whether it be good or bad...It all has become a second nature to me, and I feel like Paul (he's speaking of the apostle Paul from the New Testament) to GLORY IN TRIBULATION."

I was in awe. I couldn't imagine that was possible. At least I had never personally experienced it, but in that moment..it became my purpose in the illness I knew could take my life. I wanted to learn to BE that". I wanted to learn to be in glory, especially in the middle of it. Not just when it was over and I was well....if I got well. I was willing to peel off the label of this illness as 'bad' and see the 'good' it had to offer, REGARDLESS of the outcome. I wanted to FEEL like Paul and Joseph in the midst of this tribulation.

Life brings us so many opportunities to experience trust in percieved injustice; whether from others or just as circumstance. And it is so human of us to rail against it, as if we know better.

One of my favorite quotes, although I cannot recall the source, is:

"How do you know that something is God's Will? Because it happened."

While there are many different versions of 'God' and the role of 'God' in our lives, perhaps all believers could agree that regardless of the specifics within each belief, that this power is ultimately capable of making anything happen or stop it from happening, and that surely there are no mistakes in the realm of the path events take....just opportunities for growth, learning, and a chance to get a HIGHER PERSPECTIVE within the course of events. Do we really believe, as we sometimes act, that God uses the word "oooppps"? Is it possible that there is perfection in a situation, even when it doesn't follow 'the plan' as we set it up in our minds?

For some reason, this illness had shattered my belief in 'my will' having anything to do with the ultimate outcome. Suddenly I knew very clearly that it didn't matter what I wanted. I knew it could be 'my time', and if it was, no amount of begging or pleading would change it. I felt compelled to find a way to live in peace no matter what happened; maybe only because I didn't know how much more fear I could tolerate....

One big shift that happened was the way I prayed. I came to see that for years I had prayed as if I believed that God needed my input, and with the arrogance that my version of how things should go might actually be better than what was currently going on.

I laughed at the naivety that often spurned my prayers, as I realized one day that it was silly of me to think that I could propose something to God, whether in a request, a plea, or a demand, that would actually cause God to say,

"You know, that's not a bad idea. Why didn't I think of that."

While I don't think there was anything innately 'wrong' with my requests, I became acutely aware that I could ask for whatever I wanted, but in reality, I didn't see the BIG picture, and perhaps, if I did, it might change what I asked for. So, it made perfect sense in that moment, that there might be a better way. A more peaceful existence than waiting, hoping and begging for my outcome to happen, although I do admit to bargaining early on. Rather than let my mind make a picture and then asking God to paint it, I might have more peace and joy in my life if I simply asked God if I could see the painting already being created. Or, better yet, keep quiet and ask for the peace and wisdom not to interfere until it's done and just be grateful for each day as it was showing up. It would be like insisting on the use of more green and blue paint, when it was actually meant to be a desert scene. And deserts have their own beauty.

So, from that day forward, I quit asking. Well, in actuality, I changed what I asked for. Rather than asking for outcomes, I asked for peace and perspective and wisdom....and tried to express thanks for the blessings I was trying so hard to see. I KNEW that I, little old soul that I was, had no idea what was 'best', and that perhaps if I just gave up my personal expectations, I'd end up enjoying the end product as well as the creation process. Easier said than done...BUT, well worth it. Talk about abiding in peace!

To give the alternative view an equal voice, let's say that there is no "God". Then it all becomes a crap shoot anyway, and therefore, why worry and fret and try to control things and get be angry and afraid? If none of that will change things? Perhaps letting go is the only real way to peace, no matter what you believe, or don't believe in?