Letting go of the pain...

A torn knee meniscus was the impetus for a deeper listening and forced me to finally listen to a message I had long been ignoring. Finally my body completely rebelled, and I don't blame it, as I truly took it to the 'breaking point'. So, now it has my full attention. I have been asking for performance without changing the oil or putting good gas in the tank.

Those few days in bed following the injury gave me pause to think...and listen. And what I heard was not new. I have been working on bodies in pain, and often, despite my best efforts, taking it into my own body. I have been burning the candle at both ends, working 2 jobs and not taking time for my yoga and exercise since losing my home 2 years ago. I could feel the burn out creeping in, slowly, like a cat, stalking me patiently. This sabbatical will be indefinite. I held it at bay, feeling so afraid to let go without a plan to return. My mind 're-minded' me of the success and joy, the time and money I invested in my education, my equipment and most importantly, my wonderful clients who offer up their bodies to the healing power of touch and count on me to take their pain away. What if...they won't come back and I lose my practice all together. What if after what if. But it feels for now, like I had a door close behind me as I folded up my table. I am trusting us all to be taken care of. I'm not the only, or the best therapist in the world and somehow they will survive and I trusted that they money would come as I moved forward in faith. Amazingly(or not)the day after deciding to extend my sabbatical the dentist I work for offered extra hours. So I'm trusting that ultimately, in this time of discovery and uncertainty, we will ALL be perfectly taken care of. From a body/mind perspective, the knees represent moving forward in the world, and pain or injury there is about fear of moving forward in your life. It was truly relevant. It was an emotional Fall, trying to find my place within a family and church that struggled with the 'new me'. It felt like so much to lose not to see Courtney married, and the emotions coursing through both of us as I felt judged and she felt....disappointed? Angry? Confused? I surely felt 'stuck'; not accepted if I was fully myself and not able to pretend to be something I no longer was. In the end, I learned a lot about myself and many things will be done differently 'next time'. The important things remained intact. My integrity, my love for her, my respect for my history and ancestors. Another chance to walk me talk and learn to be "Loving What Is". I also got relief using the Hawaiin practice of Ho'oponopono. It was also relative to the procrastination i was doing around taking a break from massage.....for many very good reasons, but from what I've seen so far, "All is well".

As I folded up my table, I realized that perhaps the stones in my roaster also needed a rest. In the Shamanic tradition, the stones hold the stories, tell the tales and in this case, surely took in the stories of many pained bodies. So a friend sweetly offered to escort us all down to the coast where I placed them in the running water at Hug Point State Park. The beach was a sea of stones, so they will be right at home, and the water will wash away and cleanse us all. As I take the time to slow down a little and feed myself healthy food and rest and move in healthy ways, I too am letting some old stories wash away. Letting go of stories and beliefs that no longer serve me. Listening more carefully to the messages of this body. My pain is washing away and a new phase of life is being born. For the first time in my life, I'm perfectly at peace with not knowing ANYTHING.....if or when I will return to my bodywork practice, where I will live after May, etc. There are too many wonderful things to watch and do and experience, so I'll just enjoy the ride.