God's Greatest Truth...Chocolate...or Strawberry

When the intellect, or mind, is exposed to a new idea, concept or experience, it is faced with a choice; incorporate the new information into the existing paradigm or dismiss it as irrelevant. We do this a thousand times a day without even noticing. But...what if we started paying attentioon? Made it more conscious?

This new 'stuff' usually arrives at our 'operating system' via sensory input at some level; either eyes, ears, mouth or nose and when it does, a littel window pops up asking us to choose if we want to "save it, open it now or cancel ". I would pose the idea that just because we decide to hit cancel does not in actuality correspond to whether it had in actual relavance, only whether we thought it did.

If we choose to "open it", perhaps that allows the 'thing' to enter the mind, or intelligence, which deals mostly with logic and past exerience, the lizard brain and gray matter (if I remember my anatomy). I would suggest that choosiing "Save" is like letting it enter our soul, or deeper self, allowing for more long term options and maybe even 'free downloads' and 'upgrades'....perhaps our cerebral cortex, which has many more 'options'. We can commune with our higher source about it and receive all that it can offer, but it requires more time and patience.

I ran across this quote in a book I'm reading that says,

"God's greatest truth is that there is not one way, but many ways home. There are thousands of paths to God and every one will get you there. Indeed all paths lead to God because there is no other place to go."

I have sat with those words all week. It brought up for me the thought that although it was true for me, many people I love and who love me, might not agree, or feel confused as to what it meant. A part of me sought, once again, to reconcile my personal journey with God in the context of what I was raised to believe, how those beliefs have changed over time and how that has impacted others.

I think it's harder for them to ask about it than it is for me to talk about. I'm not actually sure they really want to know, and I respect that. Perhaps it is easier to hit cancel have the story you have told yourself about something so that it will make sense to you or hit open and let your mind give you all the reasons it doesn'tfit with the way you look at things rather than try to comprehend something entirely outside the realm of your personal experience. I am not attached to being believed or validated and the only respect that matters to me is my own. The only one who can truly disappoint me is myself.

I remember when someone tried to teach me to play chess. I didn't really have any internal desire to learn, but I knew how much others liked it and thought it would be 'a good skill to acquire'. But as soon as they started telling me the rules I couldn't keep my brain on. I don't know why but some part of me shut down. Maybe that's what happens for them. When I am asked, I soon find the subject changed. With chess, t all just seemed too hard, and besides, I was perfectly content with checkers. I didn't want to have to 'work' that hard at 'playing a game' I told myself. Games are supposed to be fun.




Perhaps that is what happens when poeple try to unerstand what "happened to me". After many wonderful, personal, spritual experiences in the church of my birth, I began to be lead by that same presence in ways that were slightly intimidating to me at first. Books appeared in my life. I met many amazing people who lived lives of integrity and joy. I had the good fortune to be invited to observe and experience worship within other churches and participate in spiritual practices of many different cultures. I had little fear of doing so, which I get the impression surprises some poeple who have been taught not to experiment outside their current faith under the guise that 'satan will get you if you go too far away'. Well, you might say, "It's a Test". In response I would ask, "would God be so under-handed that he would design a test that he ultimately wanted you to pass, but fill it with trick questions?" I believed, and still believe that if a place or a thing was not good or good for me, I wouldn't feel good being there or doing it, and that would let me know. I had been taught through scriptures, "By their fruits ye shall know them", and I saw good fruit. That same spirit was also telling me that these other things were also true, and sometimes more true. And as I did what I had been taught to do, which was to use faith, and plant the seed and see if it grew, and if it did then it was a 'good seed'. As time paseed I begin to have experiences that would show me that the basic tentants were based in ultimate truth, but the way that religion, in general, tried to get you to be a "good" and the way "good" was defined were merely a distraction to what spirituality was really about for me... being in communion with God, and feeling God's presence within me and being lead through my life so that I might have peace and share than peace and love with others. And I had been taught that if the Spirit was with you, you were on the right track. So why was everyone so upset and concerned?

Now here is where the mind games begin.....

Somewhere along the line I had been told, "Satan will tell you 9 truths to get you to believe 1 lie." I honestly don't know where I heard that, but it was an almost constant voice in my head and some days I felt literally like I was going crazy. I feared I was being lead 'astray' and I just didn't know it yet. In that respect it was an almost hourly choice; follow the Spirit or follow my fears. I chose Spirit, knowing that if that peace ever left me, I would know I was off course. Sort of my own, internal GPS :)

Depending on your beliefs, you may or may not like the questions this experience brought up for me.

How can one person, or a group of people, rationalize and explain what another person, or group of people is experiencing in their own heart, mind and body?

If someone finds God in a place or through a practice, how can it be called into question? Isn't it arrogant and presumptuous to assume that you, who are not in their heart mind and body, can independently judge that experience for them, and render it either valuable or invaluable, true or untrue?

I was given this analogy in meditation:

There are many flavors of ice cream, probably hundreds, and although some are more popular than others, each flavor would have it's own 'fan club', who would argue it was the "Best", or "only one worth eating". Some people wouldn't pick a favorite at all because to them, "ice cream doesn't taste good in the first place, and besides, it's bad for you". There are also hundreds of different types of music.

At one point I'm sure we've all found ourselves having a discussion over food or music in which someone exclaims how wonderul something is, only to be followed by everyone else's 2 cents, followed by the naming of favorites. Somewhere in the mix someone will usually comment, "Really? I don't like that at all!", seeming actually confused by the idea that it is possible to feel differntly than they do.

When it comes to food and music, the conversation usually ends there, and everyone goes their way all warm and fuzzy, because it is socially acceptable to have a different opinion/experience than someone. Other areas are not so innocent.

When it comes to politics we take it up a notch. The right and wrong of it enter in and the exchanges more spicy. But when it comes to God....the rules change.

We take it VERY personally and find ourselves arguing or feeling threatened or fearful; even worrying or praying for others to believe what we believe; believing that it is the only valid belief. Sometimes make it our quest in life to convince others that they either wrong or mislead in their reality and experience with God. I assume I'm stepping on hollowed ground with my family by comparing Mocha Almond Fudge and John Mayer to God, but really........isn't it just a matter of degrees? It' ok if someone doesn't eat your favorite ice cream, but if they don't worship God (and there is only one of them in Western religion) the way you do, then it's a problem.

When are we going to start picketing at Baskin Robbins or praying for people who eat waffle cones or passing out Mozart pamphlets at Rock concerts? Are we not all open minded enough to see that belief is based on subjective experience, and whether we like it or not, we cannot judge another's experiences. In the words of my favorite, hunky lyricist (is it incenstuous to fantasize about someone who could almost be your son?):

"Belief is a beautiful armour
that makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water,
you never quite hit what you're trying for"

"Some need the exhibition,
some have to know they tried,
It's the chemical weapon for the war
that's raging on inside."


We extend this pattern of society into parenting as well. All parents are guilty of telling their children, at times, that what the child sees and feels doesn't count. I've been guilty. We do it all the time; assume that the child should take on the preferences, beliefs and apirations of the parents. While our intentions are generally honorable, there can't help but be some element of unconscious, unquestioned beliefs and motivations. What if, in the interest of what is best for the relationship and the child, we were to examine ourselves and our parenting in this area?

We tell them when they should be hungry, what and how much they should eat, what should taste good and bad, whether they should like or wear certain clothing, when they should sleep and stay awake, all by some theoretical idea in our head, based on what exactly? For example, should they automatically be hungry when YOU are ready for them to sit down at the meal you may or may not have enjoyed making for them? But...because perhaps because you had to make yourself prepare it, they better make themselves sit down and eat it when you tell them, or deal with whatever you choose to dole out as a consequence, which for many parents, turns out to be incessant nagging and complaining in the child's general direction. And to what end? Often what we expect of our children, both in belief and behavior is based more on what is comfortable or convenient for us, rather than, in actuality, right or wrong, good or bad. We assign those labels, but if we really look at it....

Is there possibly another way? Could it be that they really ARE hungry even though it's not dinner time, or that they aren't tired even though the clock says it's bed time or you're just good and ready to get them out of your hair?

The children being born at this time are different. They won't so easily have their spirits broken, or bend to our wills. They came with another picture in their minds. Many of them know who they are, and they think you're the crazy one when you try to tell them something that if you stopped for a minute to think about, makes little, if any, sense to them. Perhaps they do see a better way. They have a new vision, and we would do well to listen. What if we acknowledged that just because something has always been done a certain way, and perhaps you were even begrudgingly forced to do it that way, and maybe it even worked that way at at that time, can we not admit that many of the ways things are being done aren't working any more. Or is it just easier to medicate and punish them. Let's face it, they are a round peg, and they may not ever it in your round whole.

One of my favorite stories is of an African tribe that has a tradition that when a woman finds she is pregnant, there is a point in the pregnancy where she goes alone, out into the bush, and listens. She listens to hear the "song of the soul of that child". And when she hears it she begins to sing, and when the rest of the women in the village hear her, they come out and they join her, and they too began singing the song. Then they all return to the village and soon everyone knows the song. So when that child is born into this world, the first thing they hear is that song. They are rocked to sleep with that song, that belongs only to them, and with it they get the message that they are unique, and that they are recongized and valued for just who they are. Then when each milestone of life comes, they are sung it again. It is done in celebration of success. It is sung to console them in times of suffering, and it is sung as they die and cross over. I would ask; have you stopped and listened for your child's song, or do you treat them as one of the crowd, a smaller version of you, too busy to stop and listen and sing to them the reminder of what God knows is true about them? Or do you make the truth of who they are annoying or unacceptable?

None of us get it automatically all figured out just because we become a parent, yet it seems there is this unspoken belief that because our bodies are larger and they came out of our bodies, that gives us a right to tell them what they think and feel. And that they should automatically, out of respect or telepathy, become and do what we decided was best for them. In the meantime, in the background, we have to admit that we are not respecting or expecting half as much from ourselves as we are from them. And to some degree or another, we are just as confused as ever about how to manage certain areas of our own lives. Perhaps we become so invested in them making us look good precisely because, in truth we feel so bad inside about ourselves. Maybe it's not them that disappoint us. Maybe we disappoint ourselves, but it's easier to blame someone else than look in the mirror. It's always easier to demand more from others than we do from ourselves. As Jesus said, "Remove the mote from your own eye before trying to see the beam in your brother's.".....did I get that backwards?

Perhaps if we got out of their business in areas of opinion and belief and get back into our own, and began trusting ourselves from a place deep within, it would allow us to give them the same privilege.

Perhaps we would all do well to consider our own beliefs. Which ones are truly yours personally, based on your experiences? Which ones have just been blindly adopted by osmosis, but aren't working for you any more? How are those affecting your joy and satisfaction? Have you perhaps been eating only Vanilla in a plastic bowl because somewhere along the line someone told you that it was the only flavor, or at least the only one worth trying.....or better yet "people who eat ice cream in cones don't know what they are missing using a bowl and a spoon".

Life is full of choices, and more than 31. And they are all good in their own way.

Patience...developing "Negative Capability"

Thank you, Anakha, for introducing the concept of "Negative Capability" to me at this pivotal time. It perfectly explains the lessons and inner evolution of the last 2 years, and probably one more year in this lifetime of mine, but in reality, every day of all of our lives. Our ego spends so much time and effort prudently plotting what it decides is a safe and sane state of security than never really exists in the first place. Thankfully, I have experienced incredible internal shifts, but then again, it was either shift or go to the loony bin.

John Keats introduced the concept in 1871, describing it as "when man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries and doubts without any irritable reaching after fact or reason." He believed that "great people have the ability to accept that not everything can be resolved" and that "the truths found in imagination access holy authority". He believed that authority could not otherwise be understood and writes, "This place of uncertainty is a place between the mundane, ready reality and the multiple potentials of a more fully understood existence. It is a state of intentional openmindedness".

Most religious or spiritual systems speak of this. Certainly, Buddhism hinges fundementally on it in the teaching that "all suffering comes from attachment", as surely where else does attachment really exist, except within the mind. And the Christian Bible says in Proverbs, "Trust the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding". We love the concept that we have things all figured out and neatly planned and have covered our bases, but in the end, events completely outside our control can change EVERYTHING in an instant.

And so I sit today in gratitude for a roof over my head, a soft pillow on which to rest at night, and the love I give and receive each day....which is all there really is anyway.

And so it is! Amen! Aho! Namaste

The Breaking of the Shell

As I took a few minutes for contemplation today I was lead to my bookshelf, and to a classic book, "The Prophet", by Kahlil Gibran. I have been so grateful this week for the healing that has happened in my knee. I have had 2 days with little to no pain, and it was fitting, with that in my heart, that the book opened to this:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wonderous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
and the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

And so it is, that I thank my inner physician in silence and tranquility......Alder

Calling the Circle.....

And so it is!

The time has come. It was never a matter of if, but when. This coming full moon has been causing a rising tide, tsunami, actually, within my first and second chakras in the last few days. At times I thought I would go crazy with the stirrings. I felt like an animal at times, feeling actual instinctual 'compulsions', for lack of a better word. I'd find myself getting busy doing something just to make it go away, and it would work....for a few hours. Finally last night I sat down with it and just let it be, and let it have it's way with me. I sat in darkened silence, my favorite insense to stir my passions, and welcomed in the sensation, eventually recognizing it as a physical creative impulse. I opened my mind and heart and asked to conceive it, and so now, tonight, I sit gestating the inevitable birth of another part of my vision....a circle of women. Women of all ages, and girls, especially young girls, all supporting and loving eachother as we gather each month on the New and Full Moons and birth and celebrate our lives and our connection to the earth and the sky. I remembered the words in "Circle of Stones"....


"How might your life have been different, if as a young woman, there had been a place for you, a place where you could go to be with women? A place where you could be received as you strove to order your moments and your days.

A place where you could learn a quiet centeredness...to help ground yourself in daily patterns that would nurture you through their gentle rhythms...and after the fires were lighted and the drumming and the silence, you heard for the very first time...each woman slowly speaking into the stillness, sharing her feelings of how she saw her life and what she wished to say of it...weaving the threads of her life into a fabric to be given and named.

And as the shadows of the day lengthened into dusk and you leaned your head against your mother's shoulder, you pondered in your heart a different sense of a woman's life.

If someone had been able to see that you were taking the first tiny baby steps toward feeling your own feelings, of knowing that you saw life differently than those around you. If you had been helped to experience your own uniqueness, to feel the excitement of sensing, for the very first time, your own awareness of life. What if someone had helped you to own all of this...to own your own life.

And the women helped you to go inside yourself and consider all the experiences of your life and to reflect on them...if the women had helped you draw your thoughts and feelings together and to weigh them...so that you could come to a clearer knowing of what your life was about. And if the women had listened as you told them of your whole life and the meaning that it held for you.

And at the end of that process...the oldest women in the lodge had come and sat in a circle and you saw that they had left an empty place....a place for you. And you softly and timidly made your way to the empty space and quietly claimed your wisdom. The wisdom of your soul.........How might your life have been different?"

Please, come. Enter into this sacred circle. Bring yourselves. Bring your sisters and your daughters and your mothers. Bring your hearts and your drums and your light, and your own unique stone, to our circle.

First meeting...on the next New Moon, March 7th.

7pm, Location: TBD

Let me know if you are interested.......Namaste

If I Could Give You Anything

I have been through several "Dark Night of the Soul" experiences in my awakening process. The first one was the darkest and most confusing in that it truly descended upon me without warning and for absolutely no logical reason. A close friend could see the change in me and asked me what was wrong. I told him I had no idea and that was the truth. Thankfully, it came and went within a week, but brought in it's wake a gift to me. I have had to other Dark Nights, and if I ever have another I will welcome it in with loving embrace as I now understand that it is merely a process which brings about a burst of fresh creativity and growth. Just the being in labor, giving birth to more aliveness.....

This first one came just after Christmas 2003. As the holiday approached, I was wrapping the gifts I had bought for my kids and thinking about how superficial they were and the fact that in a few weeks they would have trouble recalling what I had gotten them. In the depths of the darkness that came in the weeks following, I sat down with a pen and only one question in my mind. "If I could give my kids anything, what would I give them?"

That is as much conscious thought as I put into it, but as soon as my pen hit the paper, my hand frantically wrote the following piece, in answer to the question I posed. It was truly the words coming through me, not from me, as I never even had a thought, only allowed the pen to move on the paper.

I share it now, wishing it all to everyone. In hindsight, I also see it as what God was giving me, and what was possible to feel and know within myself is true about me, and all beings.

If I Could Give You Anything

If I could give you anything it would be...
An assurance of how perfect you are RIGHT NOW
That everything you were meant to have, and be, and do is within you now
You don't have to go searching outside yourself
Or look to others to show you or tell you how.
You have come with all you need to have joy, and purpose, and success.
And my love for you is unchanging and ever-present.

I would give you a vision of who you really are
And why God sent you here
To this time and place
To this family and these friends
To the stuggles you came to face and embrace
As well as the gifts that make you so wonderful...so unique...so you...so loved

I would give you a reason to get out of bed every morning in joy.
And the ability to lay down at night recalling the miracles that crossed your path.
That you may be able to close your eyes in gratitude, and sleep in peace
With an absolute knowledge of the hand of Spirit in your life.

I would give you the gift of curiosity
And a desire to seek knowledge and find truth
So that when you find it you may be full.
And trust in yourself, your intelligence and your intuition
Refusing to change your path or defer your truth to the thoughts and opionions of others.

I would give you depth of spirit.
To look within to discover that place and space that exists inside you always
Where God and you unite
Where perfect peace, and perfect knowledge and perfect truth are one.
Then when all else feels lost...for it will
You can return there and find the peace, love and rest that can be found nowhere else.

I would give you the Humility to reach out for help when you need it.
The blessing of good friends to reach to;
Who remind you of the truth about yourself when you forget.
To escort you back home when you wander away from yourself....and us
Your good and true home.

I would give you the dignity to know that your life is a journey.
And the choices you make are but experiments in truth.
So that when you wish you would have chosen differently,
You can stand in pride and call it learning...not a mistake.
Then act from that wisdom when life asks you to choose again..for it will.

I would give you a mirror
In which you see only your beauty and splendor, both inside and out.
That through your reflection, others see only the best in themselves.

I would give you a candle to light your way
And a pocket full of faith to take one step at a time when it is too dark to see any further.

I would give you courage,
So you can cross each bridge before you
And trust that something better is waiting on the other side
Knowing that smooth and familiar are not what bring growth.
So even if you have to close your eyes, or be pulled kicking and screaming
That in the end you will do it....Just JUMP!

I would give you a surety that God is always there for you.
That there is nothing you could ever do, or think, or be that changes your value.
So that when circumstances feel hopeless,
When those who are supposed to love and support you fall short...for they will
You will know that one thing never changes
God is always there....and so am I

Even when you can't see us with your human eyes,
Or hear our voice in your ear
Stop
Be silent
Be still
And you will feel
Our arms around you
Our LOVE surround you

Your Mother on earth
And your Father in Heaven
God will give you all that you ever need
And YOU are his precious gift to ME!



Commentary:

If I could only have one legacy in this incarnation, I would want it to be that others felt valued and accepted in my presence. I truly believe that a loving universe would not have allowed each human to come here without giving them all the strength, tenacity, support and talents to survive what would inevitably be asked of them.

And yet I see.....so many, content to live lives of quiet desperation, when so much glory and joy awaits them if only they would look INSIDE....

Do you see your shadow?

Yesteday was Groundhog's Day (and my Mom's Birthday). And it got me thinking of my "Shadow". This Western culture does not embrace the Shadow aspect of our personalities. Popular culture and thinking is that it is something to be abolished or at least minimally contained. I believe it is a part of us that, if not embraced, can hold us hostage to the peace that so patiently awaits our coming. It has many names...our ego, our shadow, the dragon, to name a few. Many years ago, I became enthralled with the concepts due to the book by Debbie Ford called "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" as well as the writings of Thomas Moore. I knew in my heart what they spoke was true, and it has changed my life, only for good, and only bringing me closer to myself and God. It's about inviting in the dragon of your fears and self-loathing and looking it all straight in the eye, even sitting down to tea with it and asking it to share it's gifts.....for it has many. So? Do you see yours? What gift does it have for you?

Letting go of the pain...

A torn knee meniscus was the impetus for a deeper listening and forced me to finally listen to a message I had long been ignoring. Finally my body completely rebelled, and I don't blame it, as I truly took it to the 'breaking point'. So, now it has my full attention. I have been asking for performance without changing the oil or putting good gas in the tank.

Those few days in bed following the injury gave me pause to think...and listen. And what I heard was not new. I have been working on bodies in pain, and often, despite my best efforts, taking it into my own body. I have been burning the candle at both ends, working 2 jobs and not taking time for my yoga and exercise since losing my home 2 years ago. I could feel the burn out creeping in, slowly, like a cat, stalking me patiently. This sabbatical will be indefinite. I held it at bay, feeling so afraid to let go without a plan to return. My mind 're-minded' me of the success and joy, the time and money I invested in my education, my equipment and most importantly, my wonderful clients who offer up their bodies to the healing power of touch and count on me to take their pain away. What if...they won't come back and I lose my practice all together. What if after what if. But it feels for now, like I had a door close behind me as I folded up my table. I am trusting us all to be taken care of. I'm not the only, or the best therapist in the world and somehow they will survive and I trusted that they money would come as I moved forward in faith. Amazingly(or not)the day after deciding to extend my sabbatical the dentist I work for offered extra hours. So I'm trusting that ultimately, in this time of discovery and uncertainty, we will ALL be perfectly taken care of. From a body/mind perspective, the knees represent moving forward in the world, and pain or injury there is about fear of moving forward in your life. It was truly relevant. It was an emotional Fall, trying to find my place within a family and church that struggled with the 'new me'. It felt like so much to lose not to see Courtney married, and the emotions coursing through both of us as I felt judged and she felt....disappointed? Angry? Confused? I surely felt 'stuck'; not accepted if I was fully myself and not able to pretend to be something I no longer was. In the end, I learned a lot about myself and many things will be done differently 'next time'. The important things remained intact. My integrity, my love for her, my respect for my history and ancestors. Another chance to walk me talk and learn to be "Loving What Is". I also got relief using the Hawaiin practice of Ho'oponopono. It was also relative to the procrastination i was doing around taking a break from massage.....for many very good reasons, but from what I've seen so far, "All is well".

As I folded up my table, I realized that perhaps the stones in my roaster also needed a rest. In the Shamanic tradition, the stones hold the stories, tell the tales and in this case, surely took in the stories of many pained bodies. So a friend sweetly offered to escort us all down to the coast where I placed them in the running water at Hug Point State Park. The beach was a sea of stones, so they will be right at home, and the water will wash away and cleanse us all. As I take the time to slow down a little and feed myself healthy food and rest and move in healthy ways, I too am letting some old stories wash away. Letting go of stories and beliefs that no longer serve me. Listening more carefully to the messages of this body. My pain is washing away and a new phase of life is being born. For the first time in my life, I'm perfectly at peace with not knowing ANYTHING.....if or when I will return to my bodywork practice, where I will live after May, etc. There are too many wonderful things to watch and do and experience, so I'll just enjoy the ride.