Stepping on New Ground

I think the phrase 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life' is sort of over-dramatic, yet those were the words that kept floating through my head yesterday. For me, Friday was a day of clarity and acceptance. Many of my friends and family held me in prayer and practice last week as I navigated the ending of the journey of the last 3 years, and struggled with how much to intervene and how much to let go, and what actions to take, if any.

Last fall, after doing all I could to work with the bank holding my mortgage (even though I owned more of it than they did), I was prepared to write a check allowing me to get current on my past due balance from the funds I received to re-imburse me for some of my living expept. I was not sure how I would manage the larger new payment, due to the restucturing, but I was prepared to do whatever it took not to let the bank take away my life savings...even going back to working 2 jobs and finding new homes for my dogs so I could move into an apartment. I had called the law firm to get the exact balance needed and had the pen out and the check book open when I had one of the most profound messages from Spirit to date. It was like an unseen hand grabbed the top of mine as I held the pen over the check and I heard the words..."Not one more day. Not one more dollar. No more energy. Move on." I did not write the check at that time and I spent the next week trying to make sense of that message and come to terms with the likely outcome of following the advice. Thanks to the help of a few close friends who bring years of personal integrity and wisdom to my table, I received the confimation and courage to not get current and walk away completely from the situation that had consumed my life for going on 3 years. While I did not know why this guidance was being given exactly, I had received some pretty illogical guidance in years past, and following it had always proved wise, that place within me knew that I didn't have to know...I just needed to act on it in faith and maybe someday I would know...or not

Several weeks later my ex-neighbor John shared with me that he had heard on NPR of a non-profit, HUD funded agency that had confirmed with him that not only could they help me, but it was their expertise. I wondered if perhaps it was best to open the can of worms again but decided it wouldn't hurt to meet with them only because it was a free service and I wouldn't have to do anything. After taking my information, the HUD counselor told me he would have no problem not only stopping the foreclosure, but also fixing my credit. I walked away with what I thought was an open mind with no attachement to what happened...and besides at that point, we had over 3 months.

I realized during the holidays that the date for foreclosure was now fast approaching so at the new year I began trying to get in touch with the man. No phone calls or emails were returned in the first 2 weeks, so I finally called the man's boss, thinking that perhaps he was no longer working there. I was assured he did and the next day he called but couldn't find my file or remember anything about the case. I was concerned, but remained a squeeky wheel, hoping that would help. In the end, the sheer number of foreclosures in today's market caused my case to fall through the cracks not only at my bank, but in the agency who in less frenetic times would have been able to solve this large misunderstanding. I freely admit to near panic during the last 2 weeks, mostly because of the senslessness of it all.

Thanks to the prayers and wisdom of many, I spent the last week of this experience mostly in quiet peace as I made the final phone calls and emails that my mind and heart felt were necessary so that SOMEDAY I could look back and know I had done all I could. My inner experience last week was one of feeling a colorful, peaceful veil being pulled over my eyes and mind around the situation. It was as though I was not being allowed to see or think in the direction of the past and my heart soared at the thought of no longer having to deal with any of it anymore. I was reminded of the still unspent money I still had and I was lead to look online a little at what was for sale and how much things were costing to buy and rent and I realized that if I ever decided to buy again, prices were significantly lower...good news as well.

My final phone call to Wells Fargo, as well as my attendence at an HOA meeting Thursday only solidified the absolute wisdom of moving on and away in every way. Letting Wells Fargo have the broken home they refused to wait on seemed like ultimate justice rather than a victimization.

As I sat in Circle with many wise women yesterday in meditation I had a glorious teaching from Spirit. I was reminded of a significant shaminic journey I'd had a couple of years ago where I had been shown that I was supposed to go to a new place, which was represented by a far off island. I had inquired what it was and was only told, "That's where you are going." I answered sort of smuggly and sarcastically, "Well, how I am going to get there?" The answer was, Well, the first thing you need to know is that in order to get there, I would first have to leave 'here'. At that time, that was too tall an order for me in every way and I shrunk back from a new life and brushed it off, chosing to cling to what I was so desperately trying to preserve of my old life. But I never forgot the journey and that is the great thing about dreams...they wait for you.

It wasn't until last summer, after letting go of the home, that I finally traveled back to that place with Spirit and willingly volunteered to "Go there". I said that I didn't know where it was, or what it looked like, but I was here now and that I was willing to leave where I was.

What followed was a readiness to pursue some areas of service that had been calling to me and now that I had the energy and time of not dealing with the lawsuit I started in. Those projects and programs are now well in the works and I felt 'on the way'....

With the memory of the journey and the heeding of it's call in my mind I was shown that island (which represents where I'm going) and told that today was a day for letting go and that tomorrow, which I was reminded was the beginning of a whole new month, was the beginning of a new life. An adventure to 'there'. And that before I rose from bed tomorrow I was to journey to that beach and put my foot on the sand and walk up on the beach until I no longer had water at my feet and to just look round. Tears flowed with both sorrow and joy over an ending I thought would never come, and here I was, in this moment, livng my worst fear...and it was all ok. I was still here. I was certainly still breathing and it wasn't nearly as painful as I'd imagined. I heard very distinctly the words, "Where you're going, you don't even need that house. It is simply unnecessary." I was also crying tears of gratitude for my connection to Spirit and it's unwavering guidance.

I did journey to that beach this morning...it was warm and sunny and just being there makes me smile. Just thinking of it now makes me smile...

And that is all I know...and it IS enough. And so it is.