A Bite of Wisdom

"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."
Rilke

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Survival International

A part of me is just waiting to be of service outside of this part of the world, and with many amazing great causes, it's hard to choose. I've learned from experience that this process is not intellectual and that true callings come as what I call a "BONK"....it happens to you and you can't not be changed and do something.

Life has allowed me the freedom to finish up my certification as a CASA in the new year, which will be a small thing I can do locally, then last night I ran into this new CD which is a compilation with profits going to an organization call "Survival International". They raise money to support the rights and costs of allowing indigenous people the right and ability to live on their ancient, sacred land.

If you want to know more about their cause you can go to their website

If, during the holiday season, you feel you want to purchase a gift for me, please donate to Survival International in lieu of buying me something.

Here's a short look at the project from Jason Mraz and Brett Dennen's song for the project.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Are you listening?

"If you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more wonder." Andrew Harvey

I found a new artist....Brett Dennen; at least new to me. I guess he has opened for John Mayer in the past and is being called 'the next John Mayer'. I love his lyrics and message. His new song, "Make You Crazy", is CRAZY GREAT! I can't seem to find a video of it, but if your interested, go to www.playlist.com. It is my personal playlist if you want to groove to some of my favorite music and I put a few of his songs at the top of it so it's an easy way to listen..it's feel good stuff.


I actually just found a copy!
Happy Sunny Portland Friday!




Sunday, October 19, 2008

Words Awakening....

As I emerged from sleep this morning, in that sort of semi-conscious, floaty place these words kept floating through my mind; like some part of me trying to write a piece of prose. I finally forced myself to open my eyes to see what would happen if I went with it. I guess it has to do with that time in my life when I set off to live in the adult world of marriage, career and family. Here it is....Version 1.0. Raw and Rough, for sure....

Sweet, Innocent One
Eyes wide, heart open
Your fragile and growing dream eggs
Gestating
All in one hopeful, well-chosen (or so you thought) basket.

In such a hurry
Born of boredom
And weary of waiting
So much, so long held back
Bursting at the seams of your someday.

What you only see now
Is how many of those dreams
Were lovingly gifted
From well-meaning others.

You filled your plate
Your cup runneth 'ore
You graciously and anxiously accepted
Grateful at last to have found your place
And busied yourself warming eggs
And feeding others hatching baby dreams
Unaware you held inside
Your own embryos of joy
Growing; patiently waiting
Wondering if you'd ever stop long enough to listen

He was raised as a sheep
At least that is what he was always told
But deep inside
The fangs and fur of a wolf were growing
They suited his spirit and fed the feeling of aliveness he craved

Told bedtime stories of lives lived in happily ever afters
Grazing on grass with the guidance and protection of an outside Shepard.
Sometimes his tongue caught the sharp edge of a canine.
Other times he struggled to push down the urge to run free
Faster than he had been told a sheep could go.

It concerned him, but he never quite dared
Untie the string he'd discovered
Holding the cloak of white, soft wool around and over him.


You were raised as a Shepard Girl.
It suited you
Spending your days tending to others
Occupying your mind with their safety and happiness.
It sort of helped, but inside a little girl wanted to abandon the bonnet
And take off running through the pasture
Not caring where it took you.

He picked you as his Shepard
Hoping you could make him happy in the rolling fields of green
When wandering and hunting were slowly boiling in his blood.

In the darkness you shared you basket of eggs
In exchange for a promise of safety and love

Both innocent actors
Playing parts
Wearing costumes
Long ago assigned
And growing tighter by the day

Both awaking confused
At yoke-covered whiskers
Your mysteriously closing heart
At the sight of missing eggs
But afraid to look for explanations
Not wanting, but wanting the play to end
After all, sheep don't eat eggs
And Shepard's don't leave their flock.


Only recently, through Spectacles of hindsight
Have you dared look back and stare at the set
That was your life
And compassionately embrace
The Broken hearts
The deep, mutual disappointments
The missing dream eggs
The dissatisfaction of subsiding on a diet of grass
And living a life in one pasture
With only one basket of dreams
The empty, but now gone basket
Meant to keep it all together.

In the end, the curtain descended
The wolf took the blame
But also deserves the credit
For in inadvertently eating your eggs
And life hiding your basket

You were left
Perfectly poised
To take center stage
In the starring role...
As Yourself

Saturday, October 4, 2008

OUchhhhh

So, in my attempt to simplify my life and invest my time in people, things and ideas that support my deepest values I have managed to give up TV this week, with the exception of a few minutes of the VP debate. In truth I haven't missed it. I've had no cold turkey withdrawl sweats or shakes, so I decided to call Comcast today and downgrade to their lowest package....and what a deal at only $7.82/month!

It's funny how the psyche responds to it's comforts being taken away. I feel like a toddler in a high chair and someone took my cookie. I didn't realize that when I gave up my $55/month package (which is only one teir up from basic), I would have to give up my remote control....damn that hurts. I lost the remote to this dinasaur tv years ago, and had honestly been just waiting for the thing to die..but the thought of having NO REMOTE for my tv is painful....for some reason. In reality it makes no sense. If I'm not going to be watching, who cares? I guess I do. So, I'll dutifully return my digital box and remote today. Maybe I'll take the $50 i'll save and do something kind for myself....any ideas?

This Windy Fall Morning

I made a decision last Saturday to be finished with this almost 3 yr. rollercoaster ride and tell Wells Fargo that they could have my townhome, giving me the financial, emotional, spiritual and physical freedom to move forward, to stop living in limbo, waiting to progress until 'it' was over. Clarity came after 2 days on the property sorting and clearing the contents left behind. I've sunk further and further into peace, trusting the answer even deeper, reflecting on all the many times Spirit has guided me to do what seems illogical at least and yet ultimately terrifying and recounting to myself how not even once have I been lead wrong and always saw later the perfect wisdom in the direction I was lead. This process allowed my struggling, gasping ego to release it's grasp.

But this morning I awoke with that familiar tightness in my chest and slight swelling in my throat. "Oh, hello", I say to my old friend fear. "I thought I sent you packing." He informs me that I had, but that a new idea, proposed by a well meaning acquaintance had taken up a home in a tiny corner of my mind, inviting what my ego views as a possible last ditch effort to survive in the manner it has become so accustomed.

My ego survives primarily by telling me stories of what my life should look like and each time I buy in, it's like it gets another 'doggie treat' to survive for a few hours. It tells me I need to have a 'plan' for my life, be responsible and careful above all else and most of all own a home. Aferall, isn't that the prime symbol of responsibility, stability and successs? Hmmmm....if I have learned one big lesson in the past few years, it is that home is not ULIMATELY found in a building that a bank lets you live in while they hold all the cards. It's a fair deal, all in all, but in my case whatever could have gone wrong did as every safety net we can put in place fell out from under me. Homeowner's insurance went running for the hills with my 8 years worth of premiums. Builder's warranty spent months searching and ultimately finding a way not to pay the claim and the savings account I worked hard to build for 'rainy days' was gone so fast my head was spinning. The bank understandably heald all the cards and I allowed myself to be pulled around like a bull with a ring in my nose. The icing on the cake was that the county still wants property taxes. I hate paying the additional income taxes without the interest write off. That's one great thing about home ownership. But when fate/mother nature assert their ultimate dominance, that top of the line insurance policy I bought, as well as all the other paperwork I thought would protect 'my investment' held no water and disappeared.

So.. this morning my little troll fear wants me to make a last ditch effort to save my equity. My logical mind totally buys into the concept and yet my soul is standing there staring at me with her palms facing up wondering what's up.

With this 'new last ditch effort' it seems there might be one last shot (if WF decides to cooperate) to someday recoup some of my equity...possibly. My mind says, "What will it hurt to try? It couldn't hurt anything to propose it." There is a point there....

I feel freedom waiting at the back door, wondering if I'm going on that trip with him or not as ego keeps stopping me from walking out the door with nothing more than a backpack. It could feel amazing to just go with him and see what the adventure holds, living day to day. Ego plays the part of a well-meaning parent, ever reiminding me of my responsibilities and the importance of having 'safety nets'...

This should be an interesting drama to watch.......who will she follow? Freedom or ego? Stay tuned......

Friday, October 3, 2008

Dangerous Love...ultimate freedom

"Different degrees of domination and servitude are what you know to be love. But love is different. It arrives complete. Just there, like the moon at the window. Seek only that of which you have no clue. This is not a river or some little creek. This is the shoreless sea. Here swimming ends always in drowning." Rumi

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Thank you...for the wake up call I wasn't ready to answer...until now

Thank you, for being so irreplaceably yourself, so quirky and infectious and a fresh breath of integrity so distinct it took mine away.

Thank you for scaring me so badly. Meeting you felt like someone jumping out of a closet, and catching me completely off gaurd. It made me look at my stuff deeper and with more ownership than before, and yet, it still wasn't enough...at the time.

But now is the time and I realize in hindsight that it wasn't even really you that scared me at all... I scared me. In you, I saw ME, myself staring back at me; loving like I wanted to love; feeling the way I really felt, valuing what I really valued and living the life I really wanted to live...but wasn't..for SO MANY pretty weak, but frozen in time reasons.

TRUTH: I was insanely, unabashadly jealous. Jealous to watch someone else have the courage I didn't have; the courage to stop doing what didn't serve you. To spend your time doing what was truly interesting to you. To (and this is what scared me most of all) allow yourself to live in the lostness of your own heart and mind. To wait patiently (or not) for a new direction. To live a life that others might judge. Others like me.

Thank you for wearing the same worn out jumper and shoes without a care in world. For your simple love of salmon and butter sandwiches and the sacredness of your tea ritual. Not sacred as in religious, but sacred in it's inflexibility and dedication.

What I realize now is that even though I was insanely, unabashedly jealous as you spent your days living in my cabin full time that I wanted to live in full time, sleeping in my bed without me, spending your days doing what I craved almost as much as oxygen, is that ultimately the only person stopping me was ME...and my fears. Fears of becoming indefinetely lazy, fears of not having enough money to buy stuff I really don't need, but wanted at the time. You were my dream come true and my worst nightmare in one. All I ever wanted in another and all I wanted to give myself, but wouldn't.

But...it must have helped on some level because life gave me another chance to learn the lessons and I'm relieved to say that this time I heeded the call. So, thank you, my friend, for being my inadvertant teacher; giving me a living, breathing, loving picture of what it looks like to live a life of your own choosing. I'll always love you for that, N.

So, I'm telling my story...gettting it out of my body, healing....