My Own Two Feet

I was so looking forward to our week at the beach last month, and was so disappointed, when my "good knee" started aching unexpectedly. By the end of the week I was quite uncomfortable, not helped by the fact that I had refused to honor the pain or give up my plan to spend as much time as my heart desired walking the beach, in the sand. My Warrior Archetype dies hard...if ever.

An MRI has confirmed a similar diagnosis to the other knee, but with several cysts and some damage to the ACL in addition. It's been a frustrating, slower recovery. Sometimes my mind raced forward way too far to be reliable, trying to imagine what the future holds for me. For me, the most frustrating part of this is before this pain started I was riding my bicycle almost daily to work and for fun and was back into my Yoga practice several times a week and in my mind, healed and building strength. I felt unstoppable.

I couldn't sleep tonight.....so I got up at midnight for some water and wandered to the computer to catch up on some friends blogging while I sipped. I read a friend's beautifully written account of her emotionally and physically painful weekend as her body purged another layer of trauma related to childhood sexual abuse. Something in her words lifted a veil and I suddenly understand an important element if I am to heal this knee.

Tonight, or should I say this morning, I understand. While there are physical reasons it hurts as defined by the MRI, I have come to see that my emotional space can play a role. How else could I have progressed to having 'moderate arthritis' and be completely pain free until recently, when this process obviously started way before this year?

So, I am being asked, and I am not clear of the answer:

Am I ready to STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET?

Do I believe I can STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET?



While much is scheduled to change for me financially in the next 6 months and the bank is once again breathing down my neck for payments that I won't be able to argue with, I have some important choices to make in order to keep a roof over our heads in the year 2009 as we await the repair of our townhome. I've been spending way too much time mulling my options around in my head, and until I get clear, this is going to be a stubborn, slow healing.


Part of me knows that it is not time to worry now, and just as the solutions have always appeared, they will again. But another part of me wants to know how it will all work out, and is trying to reason through whether I jump in faith and land firmly on my own two feet or go for other options. Crazy....the ego.

So.....off to bed I go with the question; Am I ready to stand fully, and firmly in the knowledge that I CAN stand on my own two feet, regardless of unknowns? 5:30am comes too quickly, so a quiet mind is what I desire.